The last day of a good and bad vacation.....good because i could sleep, because i could somewhat choose to do things whenever I wanted to do them. bad because i did nothing but work. bad because I could have had so much more fun, but was afraid to. even so, the thought of waking up at 7 to trudge off to school displeases me. yet, starting school in january is a symbol of how quickly life will move between now and mid-april....life will spin by me, so fast i don't even realize what i missed. only to have life come to a dead stand still in may....my senioritis, which was dormant, will only flare up in the worst case i've had.

how i would have loved to devote my last day of no commitments to lazing about the afternoon and seeing L before she leaves for Norway. instead i feel obligated to write a paper, because it will make my life easier later. and yet again, my brain won't comply. so instead i write my complaints to my blog, and still hope that by writing even this will motivate/ inspire me to form coherant and analytical thoughts worthy of this paper.

i'm so scared. i'm so scared i don't even realize it. what happened to life? i'm scared not to finish something....i'm scared to finish it below my standards. i hate standards...they are a blessing and a curse. but why do we bring this shit upon ourselves because we feel obligated to do it? sometimes i wish i had the courage to not do something, to fail an assignment, a class....because i'm tired of this meaningless bullshit. but i couldn't, i know that....i'm too afraid

i'm scared to get out...d is right, and i hate him for it....that damned conversation on new years before i left....i hate everything about what he said....i hate him because he's right...i do want to be different....to get out more....do something besides work and lazing about at home....but making that first move, why is that something i don't want to face. i fill myself with excuses and resign myself to a quiet evening.

sometimes i'm tired of my inexperiences....sometimes i want to throw all of my ignorance away, just to take away that not knowing...we're told about the bad things that will happen to you in hs....things that never happened to me, because my friends are sensible, they don't party....there is something that i could have done, that i probably would have done....but i am glad i didn't, and yet sometimes i wish i had

but now i must search for motivation...and endless search, because as soon as i find it and finish something, i must begin the search again.