I'm not sure what to make of my life. Went to Mock Trial practice this morning. M was there, haven't seen him since end of school last year....I guess it must have been after the variety show, where we raced to Alex to watch a movie that was only sold out. Then back to L's house to watch some cult flick....but I spent a lot of time with M alone in the car or whatever he was driving. So yes, I was happy to see him...but it made me realize something. I separate myself (I already know this) but this time I did it with homework. I'd feel so guilt about making plans because I feel like I'd be unproducive, when in reality I didn't start work until 4....of course I got home at 2, but whatever.

But about the separation thing. Why do I build myself these walls? Even now, I'm finshed with what I wanted to do today....I'm here writing on the computer. Of course only my family is here....and really I'm bidding my time online to see if D come on and maybe something will happen better than last night. But anyway, I do build walls....unknowingly, yet on purpose. I retreat to my work, to my activities....and I guess people know enough about me that they let it happen. I'm overlooked because they're never used to having me there. So I've made them, and after awhile people are used to them....because that's the way I am.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so separated. College will be good in some sense, because when I want to be around people, I can go around searching for them. When I want to be alone, I can go away from crowds....or even just separate myself in a room of people. I do that all the time in school.

I started pondering about getting back into art. For some reason I kept imagining myself doing these wonderful paintings. I haven't painted for the longest time. I haven't taken my annual painting lessons since 10th grade. The most I've done was that style of printmaking last summer...and those were cool-looking. So I'm fantasizing about myself in acryllic painting next quarter. I'm given free reign and my paintings are wonderful and praised.

Anyway, I'm trying to make my blog semi-better or at least more personalized. Work-in-progress...I've made some weird stuff happen.....must fix it.