At the moment I'm caught between my lack of motivation (I'm not going to going to work today because my brain isn't functioning.) and not knowing what to do. Today was good....memories of past happiness.

Hung out with the old theatre crowd at L's. Its funny how doing ordinary, seemingly mundane things turns out to be so spontaneous and hilarious. I mean all we did was pile in P's van and go to Elbow to drop of L's dad and get a movie. We bring the movie back to L's house, watch it (while making Mystery Science Theatre-like comments) and have a pillow fight before watching Family Guy. But I guess it was the spontaneous nature of the whole thing....I mean we debate about the movie selection for 10 minutes, making me think we won't even get one.....we take pillows from j, he builds a fort with them....we fight with the laser pointer and what not.....Everything is filled with bs that's amusing and not fake....life is good because of the laid back, lazy nature of it.....I've missed the laziness.

So I come home and watch tv to try to keep that feeling....i've lost the ability to be spontaneous without the theatre crowd, but damnit I can be lazy (especially if I've done nothing but work the entire break) now....I don't know what I'm doing....I'm trying to rekindle what I've missed, unsure if I'll be able to find it. I didn't want to leave when I did....I told my parents I'd be home before dinner and it was practically 6:30. I'm home like a good daughter, but what's my expense? I won't see these ppl (with the exception of P) for the longest time....L said she won't be back from Norway until June.

Read The Awakening by Kate Chopin....I identify with the protagonist, Edna. She's unhappy with her life and is constantly faced with contradicting ideals of what ppl think she should be. I don't think I'm faced with contradicting ideals by ppl. I just feel the weight of the obligations placed upon me. My goals have become meaningless...the only thing that makes me carry it out is living out the expectations of past experiences. School makes me extremely unhappy. I hate having to be doing all of this work. I know I brought it on myself, but that doesn't change anything. I know I have to get through this to graduate and still keep up my grades for college, even though I'm accepted on that end.

Things I realized today....I'm 18 in exactly 6 months. I graduate 5 days before that. M told me I'm so young because he's almost 21. Yeah, I know....but not that young compared to where I was.... there is light at the end. I mean, I remember that one night July 2001.....we were sitting on the dock of Barrett lake after wandering around the town. He was about to go to college that fall. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. That was pre-slh....wow, so long ago... Here I am 2 1/2 years later...and i'm "young".

I'm re-examining my goals: Why do I want to be an actress? I'm starting to realize its because I want to escape from my life. That perhaps diving deep and becoming someone else will teach me something about my life. I'll be forced to re-examine my own and want to change it. Or maybe I'll just forget about it for awhile, and be happy in my land of make believe and applause.