I've slapped around my emotions today, gone full circle and back again.  I've decided I need to spill everything here, no matter how much I feel the need to protect myself.  Or perhaps that's the part of me that has changed, the need to not be vunerable.  I'll start at the beginning.
 
A sent me an e-mail on Friday when in was in Minneapolis all day.  An e-mail expressing doubts about our relationship because I'm going off to college in a month a couple of states away with a 9 hour drive and months between visits home and things will probably never be the same between us.  I understand, its part of moving on and growing up.  Its a stage of life that I have begun to enter and he will still wait two years.  He wants to come with me and I want him to, but we both know this can't be so.  And now maybe reality is starting to creep in for him and hit him in the face a bit.  And maybe he realized he couldn't make that sacrifice for me, no matter how happy we've been together.
 
So with this idea in my head I did what I normally do, I manipulate and exaggerate it until I've worked myself into an emotional frenzy.  I develop ideas about how to cope.  Who to run to and comfort me.  Who I could have a rebound fling with to regain myself esteem and make me feel attractive.  What I can do until college to keep those pangs of sadness from getting to me.  Silly notion, I know, when it hasn't even been confirmed by A yet.  Have him break up with me and then break down emotionally.  But I did realize something, something very important- I do love him.  And for how ever long I've been trying to convince myself that this really is love I now know it is.  A was right, you never truly know until they're gone.
 
I come home and get on the computer hoping to run into him.  We manage to converse long enough to know we're not going to break up before we both have to run off to dinner.  He wants to see me, and for now I'm taking this as a good sign.
 
I wrote in my journal just to get those thoughts out of my head and on paper so they make sense.  Hopefully them making sense will stablize me and not have these emotions swirling around and causing me to be overdramatic.  Typical actress, right?  It made me feel better.  I realized this is happening because I'm leaving.  This wouldn't be happining if I were going to be a senior in high school instead of a freshman in college.  Or rather, the chances of it happening would be less likely.  Or perhaps he realized his attraction for me had diminished to friend status.  It makes a lot of sense, we've often said at time we're more like really good friends.  At any rate it calmed me down and rationalized me.  I could go into the discussion we both agreed to have with points for either side of the arguement and not let my feelings carry me away. 
 
Ironically I ended up watching Under the Tuscan Sun at Mom's request tonight.  This movie deals with the main character coping with a divorce and later trying to move on and failing.  Rejection was prevolent in the movie and for some reason that reassured me.  It reassured me because I know this will not kill me, that I will be able to move on, and that I shouldn't have to define myself by the guy I'm with- no matter how wonderful my particular guy may be.
 
I wrote A a lengthy e-mail about all of this.  Once again this helped sort out my thoughts.  I left whatever this is open to him.  I restated the need for discussion and I told him my feelings on some issues.  There are still questions unanswered in my own mind.  Valid questions that he voiced in his last e-mail: Will we be able to stay in love with one another even though we'll be apart for months?  Will we not cheat on each other and hurt one another?  Do we want to be this commited to the relationship?
 
I have my doubts about these questions.  I thought Maslc was a test for me.  A test to see if our relationship could stand the time and distance from each other.  I thought I was passing it, and in a sense I did.  But about 3 days before I left I realized a friendship with a certain someone suddenly meant something more.  I never did anything about it and I don't know if he felt a certain way (though I could guess).  I couldn't act on it, but the thought was still there.  Besides he reminded me of A.  So that's why I'm doubting myself.  Does that mean if I get to know a guy really well for 3 weeks and it will be a really long time before I see A...does that mean I'll go for it?  I don't know.
 
I know I love him and I know I want to be with him.  But maybe I am second guessing the duration.  I still have a month and I still want to be with him for that month.  He has made me the happiest I've ever been.  I don't want to lose that, not yet.  I just know I need to talk to him about this.  We have to be fair to each other.