So perhaps now that I've been back for a few days I find myself settling into old, familiar patterns. I spent Sunday afternoon/evening and Monday morning at A's. I find it amazing that all I need to be happy with him is just A. I love the way he makes me feel, that sense of empowerment, self confidence, and love. When I can drive home and that feeling of elation he gave me carries through the rest of my day and then some.

But for some reason I just thought of a something that was in my head before I left: my issue with stagnant happiness. Familiar? Well, ironically I was guided back into place at Maslc. My mind drifted to a memory early in the experience. Last night at Mt. Carmel as J, B and I sat on the couch in the very front, racking our brains for a problem when in fact we didn't think very hard at all. J somewhat shocked me with his deep problem...and then it was my turn. "I feel the need to strive for more, even when I look around and think that I should be happy but in reality I'm not. So I ask myself why I have to keep going for more when my life is really good as it is." And B's response, "It's natural to keep wanting more. You always want to make yourself the best person possible and to do that you have to keep striving for more. That's the beauty of you, your persistance...." etc etc. So I'm reassured. And now I'm wondering if that feeling will creep back into my life...but it hasn't at the moment.

I live day to day, with no commitments that seem to lay beyond the week and even those are flexible. I haven't had time to question anything, which is good. I'm just living I guess. I'm learning to listen to myself and to others and compromise, but not....because in this "compromise" it really wasn't compromising at all....instead it was something that made both of us happy without losing anything. My time here is short, but instead of waiting for it to close I'm embracing it. Spending quality time with people, making plans.

I'm inspired...I'm not sure how, creatively perhaps? artistic endevors pursue me...so what should i do for that? mediums? I'm somewhat in the frame of mind to reform myself so much for the better. It fits, I'm between 2 different eras of my life with a life-changing experience under my belt. So I'm using it to shape my character. I'm taking everything good from everyone I love and putting into myself.....lessons learned, ideals experienced, emotions flowed What an odd, yet interesting predicament (?), I'm anxious to fly...and making preparation for it....even so, I'm content and happy and better yet I'm not questioning it. I'm striving, but the striving is unconcious...or its not plaguing my "happiness". Anyway, I'm rambling and being very vague.