A Cold Day in Rockford

It's beginning to feel like September. Or at least the September I'm used to. I love days like these, sunny yet cool. The breeze blowing while you walk about in deception that its warm. Instead you step outside to feel the brisk breath of autumn. You wrap up in a sweatshirt or a blanket if you have the luxury of an hour or two before the next class. My motivation escaped me in the wee hours of the morning. Instead I come back from lunch and fight the temptation of a cup of coffee and argue in my head about what I should be doing.

Last night is a blur of conversation and sleep. The mood was wrapped in light heartedness slightly twinged in pain and regret. We were both wishing. Wishing things hadn't turned out like they had in our lives away from here. I think both of us are deeper in this than we're willing to admit. I'm afraid to admit it....afraid on so many levels. And from what I gather that feeling of protection and vunerablity is reciprocated. I stayed in his room until midnight, my unofficial curfew....looked at the clock only to be held back, by him and by myself. So I stayed in his bed and slept beside him, which seems to have become our tradition. Only this time I had a 9 o clock class in the morning.

I wonder what goes on in his head. I wonder how he thinks of me beside the obvious surface stuff. We're really close and really comfortable with each other. I wonder what happens between that pause in the silence when we stopped talking and are about to kiss. What is he thinking in that 30 seconds? Should I or shouldn't I? Or is it something more? I've begun to wonder if it is something more. His relationship is almost over. It pains him to think about it. And he thinks of me as more than just the mistress.....