Setting Things Straight

This is a shout out...a shout out to refute all the ill I have done and a chance to redeem myself if at all possible. A change to justify my decisions even if those may not agree with them. I want to move on.

I made mistakes. I know that. I took back promises that I meant to keep. But I wonder if I should have made those promises to begin with. Was it too much to demand at this stage in my life? From what I've been told it was beyond anyone in my situation to make those promises....completely unrealistic. I lied....I cheated....and I understood that I could be forgiven for the cheating. But I didn't want to be forgiven. I wanted it to be a last straw, a reason to leave me behind because I wanted to travel alone for awhile. The lying is by far what has gotten to me the most. The lying is what drew me into guilt that weighed me down for a week or so. The lying and betrayal is what makes me stop and reflect....what almost broke me last week while playing piano. I'm sorry. I can't do that to someone and be forgiven.

As far as what I've done with AW.....the sleeping in his bed has been just that. Laying side by side in the same bed in a state of slumber.....not sex. Besides, he's breaking up with his girlfriend, its just long and drawn out. And that's his issue, not mine. AW is virtuous enough to not cheat if he didn't want to. But the relationship means nothing to him. I don't know his complete take on the situation. I don't know why he's doing this besides the obvious reason of why he's attracted to me. I did ask him why me instead of his girlfriend- intellectual stimulus. Don't have me justify my actions with him. This is our own personal choice. I'm out of my relationship because I didn't want to further lie. And now I have no one to tell lies. Besides, we'd probably end up together under better circumstances...when we're not coming from break ups that are painful. Yes, painful....each time I get an e-mail telling me A's heart is ripped out and confused I ache with the pain of last week. The only way I know of ridding the pain is separation. That's why I don't want to talk, I need to heal. I need to heal so I can go about my life and function. I need to heal so I can eventually forgive myself. And I do need to forgive myself. If I can't, what's left?

I have my reasons. I've spelled them out before. This is not you're fault, A. Its a change of priorities. There is nothing you could have done to stop this....save stopping time, which is not possible. I was meant to move on.....you'll learn that you, too, were meant to move on. I'm so sorry I had to do it under these circumstances. That is what I most regret, the circumstances of the break up. But it was ending, I had been sensing it. I'll never regret what I had with you, none of it. I'll always treasure it in my heart and think back fondly of all the memories we had. I'll always look at you as my first love. But do not confuse these good memories with wanting you back. With each guilty and accusatory e-mail lessens my good memories of you. I don't want that. I want a clean break, because with that clean break is a greater likelihood of a friendship somewhere down the line. Somewhere, being months from now...spring or something. I need to heal....you need to heal. Find yourself friends in which to surround you. Date again if you feel you are able. Don't be afraid to trust and to love. But heal, A.

Please understand me....or at the very least respect my wishes. I have my reasons, please trust them even if you don't agree with them. I will always care about you.