Brainstorming

Ideas for reflective paper:

Well, I basically have this figured out to 1 event: my last breakdown....nothing severe, just a collapse of self-confidence. It's not too personal....not scarily personal....besides i want to write something real, not something that protects my indentity. Should I be afraid of revealing too much to people who don't know me that well? Not sure.

So I'm free writing....free writing....and it helps that i have the raw emotions captured in previous blogposts. I understand better what I went through at the time.

Breakdown....starting from audition prep.....monologues, auditions, travelling, potential....the acceptance letter....and then the rejection letters....first one....shook it off, didn't want to go there....mentally preparing myself for the next rejection....knew it, knew it....got it and moved on. i had wizard, i was going to be ugly....besides i wasn't completely rejected. and i had to deal with rejection anyway, better get used to it. but then at dance....i'm told that another girl that i'd been in theatre with...same body type....i thought i was a better singer....she's going to a prestigious school in ny. why did that bother me, it did.....comparing myself to K was ludicrous, we're completely different body types. he's a straight guy....i'm a dime a dozen petite girl. i had no chance with ratio. if i had his body with my talent, no problem. but this is someone exactly like me. so why am i rejected and she accepted? it got to me...suddenly all the rejection emotion came crashing down on me and pulled me to one of my lowest points. it was here my self image gave up and collapsed. i let myself wallow in a pit of despair and self loathing. so many things i could have done....different pieces, more practice...more opinions....more everything....i could have done so much better and why didn't i? could i have done better? would it have mattered? or was i fooling myself into thinking i could make it in the business when i couldn't even get into college?

i cried....drowned in my tears and the fume of nail polish remover.....i had those damned witch fingernails and realized i had to be able to play piano and i couldn't. i had to take them off....what a bitch. what a bitch to bite me in the ass when i had the rest of this personal shit. i try to cope by writing in my blog and can't because i can't type with fingers...only with a pen.... i try to play piano to relieve emotion, doesn't work because of the damned fingernails. so i soak them in nailpolish remover...soak them until my fingers burn and my eyes sting and i start to wonder whether or not the chemicals are effecting my emotions. after an hour and a half of turning over negative thoughts the nails finally come off. i wash the chemicals off and the top layer of my skin. i sit back down at the computer and as the words flow from my fingers to the screen, the tears fall from my eyes.

i'm lost.....for the first time since this college planning thing i have no plan. my original plans are so far out the door i don't know what to do with myself. i'm lost swimming in a sea of wishes that have disappeared out from under me. i'm too depressed to realize the options i still have left. i shed tears wanting what i just lost. m had been in and out to talk to me and realized it was a lost cause. i told her, let me have this....everyone has times where they break down in self pity....let this be mine. after all of the pointless bullshit i went through this year and it didn't completely break me....let me have this. let me question why i'm here and where i'm supposed to be going. let me wonder if there's anything left in my previous plans. let me compare myself to others and let that comparison bring me down. let me look around in the bleakness and make up my mind to not come back here again. let me gather my strength before i turn a corner and shape my life into something better. let me shape myself into someone who's strong. but in becoming strong let me empty all of my weakness into this one moment, this span of hours. as i shed my tears, so to shall i shed my weakness. i rest and rejuvenate and find my strength to go on my path to greatness.

morning comes and i've decided a plan of action. i now have 2 schools....2 different majors....2 different lives. which to chose....i need to ponder this....and in pondering i move on and away from the bleak....into my strength....into my reformed self image. and i've never looked back.