God, I'm so tired I've developed a headache and my eyes keep unfocusing.  Well, that's what I get for going to Perkins/ bowling/ Perkins (again) after the concert.  Eh, but there are things I have to get down on paper (whatever) before the details become less sharp.

Wednesday night was amazing.  It all started out ordinary, just hanging out with A and doing random things.  We were so carefree that day....just floating from one place to another having no agenda and just kept coming up with good ideas.  We were full of good conversation....sat in the hfa building in the cushy lounge chairs just having one of those conversations about everything.  I love conversations like that.  I live my life just so I can find them. 

But we go back to his house after stopping at D's for an hour or so....we watch a movie and when its over we sit on the futon in the darkness with only the blue glow from the television screen casting light.  We sit and suddenly our conversation drifts...it drifts to A telling me all of these painful things from his childhood.  Things he has hinted at, but has never come to telling me the details.  Things that I wonder if he's told many people.  And I'm amazed, amazed that'd he would open up to me in this way.  After how I so badly treated him when he dumped on me back in April....i can't believe he's doing this.  And I hold him and try to comfort him by just letting him know I'm there for him.  We weep, and exchange secrets.  Weep for what we have lost, for what we have, for our struggles of life.  Emotion and secrets whirl around us, wrapping us up in their feeling...they bind us together and make us feel as if we're connected....as if we're supposed to be with one another for a very long time.  Making us think that maybe we are an example of soulmates.....something neither of us really believed in until that moment.  We stop.  Both of us are in shock....wow, holy shit what just happened.  we marvel at it all..... and after much discussion because of what just happened, i make a decision....i don't regret it.

now....now.....i feel so secure in this, surprised, but secure.  i guess its because i'm used to being single.  being in a relationship is so odd for me and i've never expected any to last long because of precedence.  but my 3rd...and honestly the first one that ever meant something.  there was only one other that could compare and i never loved him.  i feel all of those sappy things lovers feel, but at the same time i have this feeling of stability between us.  i have this notion that maybe we will last forever in one way or another.  i feel like we're meant to get married...not for awhile, of course....but maybe in 5, 10 years.  that even if we somehow lose touch fate will give us a hand and push us back into each other's lives. 

god, i feel like this is terrible...that i'm not recording it right....i feel like i'm missing something and i'm just writing down facts.....ah, give me a break its almost 2:30 in the morning.