I find myself caught in a strange position of wanting to cling to what I have but at the same time I want to push it away.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps its the realization of what I have with A.  And what I have is that fairy tale, make believe, hollywood dramatization of happy endings and things that are meant to be....happily ever after.  Only this time it isn't, it has every possibility of becoming so....yet for a few years those possibilities are hanging in the balance.  I'm not resentful or depressed about this....no, I'm realistic and in some ways I'm thankful.

Ironic, no.  I've spent all of this time figuring out societal patterns and disliking having to follow the natural order of things.  Only this time I find that perhaps I wanted to be conforming to this all the time.  High school, college, work, marriage, kids, retirement, death......maybe that's what I want.....maybe I want that godforsaken house in the suburbs with the well paying job, a husband, 2.5 kids, and 2 suvs/ mini vans....   no, i will not stoop to that level- my life will be a loft apartment in downtown somewhere; chicago, ny, minneapolis....husband doing whatever the hell he pleases, 1 kid (maybe), car optional depending on living circumstances....job- i have no idea, but it'll be what i want and not just for money.

how did i go off on that tangent, i didn't mean to.  i'm looking around at everything in my life and i'm pondering how its shaped me.  i'm looking at everything and realizing how much i have.  i'm wondering how that made me....what i've learned and am i that much the better for it.  i keep finding in other people small parts of what i used to be.  listening to F's troubles the other night: how she finds those around her immature and her coping with that....basically disliking what she's surrounded by: at least in high school.  i spent nearly the last 2 years of high school like that.  it somewhat evaporated with my senior year, returned 2nd quarter when i started this blog and was throughly miserable.  i don't know what made it go away....just a string of good things; college audition prep, one-act, mock trial, A, musical....graduation, maslc, moving on.  i like to think A was a large part of it. 

for some reason i find myself very adult now...that will get slapped in the face, soon enough...but i feel tolerant, acceptant, yet strong, independent and determined....ambitious, but not to the point of being cold....loving, open, but not too vunerable, appreciative....i'm trying to enjoy everything i have left....every moment i have with people i won't see for long periods of time.  it seems to be working. 

but i feel lost right now....its just i mood i'm in.....still its funny when i have time to stop and catch my breath, this is what happens to me.  i'm tired- mentally, physically, and somewhat emotionally.  this past week has changed my life in some way.  i've suddenly realized what an amazing relationship i have and have renewed my determination even more than i ever have.  i will not let it go.  i've tried endlessly to think about it and analyze it, but perhaps that's not what i need to do.  the experience was wonderful, maybe instead i'll let it wash over me and bury itself deep within my senses.  the entire thing was an experience of emotion, why should i share it with my thoughts beyond simple recollection.  i think the effort is beyond me.  at least for the moment.

how does life shape a person?