Why does this happen to me? I've pulled away from myself. Does that make sense, separating from myself? Allowing the superficial and unecessary to control my life...what's that get me? Some kind of coping mechanism? But then I realize this about myself and try to reunite with my inner self...and I can't do it. I try to remember what I know and what I want (not the material things), and I can't. Why, I don't know.

So I've focused on school...and getting my endless work load accomplished. I've spent my time getting commitments finished. Christmas is practically over, life will be the same (as if it ever changed besides holiday music and shopping and concerts). Somewhere along the line I've lost myself. I'm so uncertain about my envolvement in life. The only thing that is clear is my materialistic goals. The goals that one is supposed to have at my age, the ones everyone always asks you about. Everyone wants to know what you're going to do next year. I have a plan....yes. Rather ambitious, actually....good for you. But what about the goals for my soul?

That sounds so cheesy. Goals for my soul? I guess I just seek things to fulfill myself. I should focus more on art and creativity. In the process of preparing for my auditions and speech, learn something about what I'm performing....instead of just impressing college admissions and judges. Yes, I do want to get into my first choice school and go to state in speech and get the lead in the school play and go to state in mock trial and one-act ........but i want other things too. I guess I just don't know what they are. And hopefully I'll learn.

Maybe things will get better. Perhaps this isolation and endless homework isn't good for me. L is home. I saw her yesterday. I hadn't seen her since summer before she left for Norway. We'll do things like we used to and maybe I'll feel better about this. L always made me feel better about myself. I'd always feel as if she made my seemingly meaningless life better for that moment. I guess I need to reconnect with people who know the inner me, or at least have glimpses of it.

Its Christmas and I can't bring myself to do work on a holiday. So I'll put it off until tomorrow, hopefully with minimal guilt.