I'm so weird about things. Christmas seems distant to me.....not distance as in far away by days...but far away by worlds. I'm not sure if that makes any sense....even to me. ButThere are so many aspects that make it seem not real, that these Christmas-like traditions are happening for a different occasion. I've bought presents, I've recieved presents....I've sung endless Christmas music in choirs and whatever....I've heard awful Christmas carol remakes from pop artists (one of my pet peeves, i realize). But all of these things...and it still doesn't feel like Christmas.

The irony is that Christmas probably won't be much anyway. This afternoon is the extended family festivites with food and presents...and then that's it. Christmas Eve will be like any other day, except Mom and I will go to church that night to sing with the choir. Christmas Day we'll go to church and sing our duet, come home and open presents just the three of us....and then life will go on as usual. The tree didn't even go up until yesterday, due to everyone's hectic life. I didn't even help because I was writing my essays for classic novels. It just appeared.

I've hardly played piano. I haven't played my Christmas music more than twice, very unusual for me.

I'm starting to realize how much I want to leave and be at college. Last night I kept hearing about K...and everyone was asking me what I was going to do next year, etc etc. They all wished me well and told me I would get in and they can say they knew me when and all that. But all I need in life is my space. I need a place to retreat and various small comforts that I can get anywhere. I need a room, a piano, music, a computer, books, plays, a theatre....life will be fine. I need people, too...but not so much. Sometimes I wish I lived in a place where I could go out and be among crowds of people, yet be completely anonymous. The price I pay for living in the country. My hometown shuts down at 6, and it doesn't matter because everybody knows everybody.