ok...accomplished about half of what i intended....oddly enough, i feel liberated. I do have the entire first block tomorrow to devote to whatever I wish. utilizing class time? apparently that never occured to me before. So tomorrow I have the option of writing a paper or reading a book...hmmm.

thoughts in my head that i should have written down days ago: i decided somewhere in that convo with D that I don't particularily like him. the strange thing is, the dislike is nothing against him personally....i held him up to a standard that he can't meet. and when i realized that...amongst everything else i realized during that conversation....i had mixed emotions. i wanted him to be my bf....eventually....funny, me the one afraid of commitment wanted him as a bf. so i went the logical way, a date, a fling, something....couldn't get it...even though i thought i could (and how i hate him for leading me on like that- although to have made in awkward towards the end of the run would have been bad) so later when he talks to me as if i'm an old friend, i think ok....maybe it wasn't meant to happen then, maybe it can happen later.....(i must be tainted with images of prom and not being able to find a date, this shouldn't trouble me...but it does) so i'm still trying to impress him...in my own foolish way...and indirectly i'm trying to get him to take me wherever he's going that night....but after that and telling him i shouldn't impress him.....somehow we get on the subject of relationships....i talk about my bad ass ex...and how i just want a fling right now (hint, hint towards him) then later i ask him about finding a deeper connection with ppl, how i've hardly found it and those i've found it with are far away.....he can't really fathom an idea like that and separating it into a friendship relationship as opposed to bf/gf...

i realize he can't understand....and as much as i want him to, he isn't....and i hate myself for telling him things i shouldn't have to make him understand...i revealed too much to the wrong person