i have reached my breaking point. somehow it all came crashing down on me, everything i've kept bottled up for the past 6 months exploded, leaving me here to drown in nail polish remover and tears. all the repressed feelings about rejection and lack of talent, stress, striving for perfection, trying to do all of it and well, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of happiness that i could call my own, confusing happiness in things going well with happiness in my own life, running myself into the ground, just waiting for me to not be able to take it anymore.

i'm tired of being strong...i'm tired of sucking it up and moving on...i'm tired of working hard and getting results that mean nothing to me...i'm tired of losing sleep and fun and relaxation over stuff that doesn't mean anything in the long run...i want to quit...i want to stop...i want to go away...

i don't want to do this anymore...live for these ideals i have in my head that if i acheive this and that and everything else, that maybe life will be happy and worth living....well i have and its not...and even though this rejection has caught up with me i'm starting to realize that maybe i didn't want it in the first place, that i'm not cut out to be a performer....perhaps i should go with my fall back...go to Concordia and be a vocal music major and be high school choir teacher...a safe life...a stable life...something other than this

i wish i had aspirations of a noble, yet wanted postion....why couldn't i have had the motive to be a doctor or something? it doesn't matter...life is a game of chance and i seemed to be screwed at every turn...if i get what i want, i don't want it....if i don't get what i want i can't say i'm better off for it and have learned something...if i work hard i abuse myself and if i don't work at all i feel guilty..."life's a bitch and then we'll die so fuck the world and lets get high"

even now i'm abusing myself....tomorrow's opening night and here i am typing in my blog to give myself some peace of mind while i should finish taking off these damned nails, shower and braid my hair, and i have to get up early tomorrow to practice my snare duet, etc before school. i hate life....or rather, i hate my life....i just can't seem to win...always something to do and always the guilt that follows it...i'm not that strong of a person...i don't possess the will to not care...i've been held to too many standards and have taken them as my own that i can't back down anymore, not even if i wanted because in the back of my head there'd be a nagging voice saying i could have done better....that voice could be anyone, mom, dad, teachers, directors, coaches, me...what the hell is wrong with me? is this what's become of my life? living upto these standards, fearing to back down because of so many pointless reasons...i need an escape, but can i really escape?

you know what i should do? completely change my field of study....i'm going to be a lawyer, a teacher, a cosmotolgist...anything else but a performer...maybe that would save me, and my sanity

i need this at the moment, this instance of self-loathing and regret. f told me tonight at dance MH was accepted to am elite musical theatre school in NY. why this has sent me spiraling into depression i'm not sure. but for the rest of class, my enthusiasum vanished. i cried on the way home in the car, horrible thoughts filling my head.

"i'm not good enough,i'll never be good enough, no matter how hard i work...i picked the wrong pieces, iwant to go back in time and change my selections and erase all of my auditions. i want to repeat from last fall. i could have done better... i should have done things differently." so i should give up this grandious charade. i'll never make it.....yeah, i know the ones who more often make it are persistent, but what if i don't have the talent to back it up? i don't, so i should give up this foolish dream and find something with stability. resign myself to the american dream, become my parents...make theatre a hobby. yeah, imay be the best in my two bit high school, beyond that i'm nothing.

i had a suicide moment...as i was driving from dance, i came through the wooded area...down the hill and into the curve....i almost didn't turn the wheel and thought about flooring it. my car would go hurling off the road and into the trees..self doubt would be gone. but i'm too weak

i know this is stupid, despite these rejections i still have options for my future. i have wonderful senior achievements...mock trial, musical, one-act, choir...all this meaningless bullshit....but come to think of it isn't my lofty goal meaning less bullshit as well?

typing with a pen is not fun....i have 1 inch long fake witch nails for the weekend of performances

i'm currently in the process of combing my severely teased witch hair do...after 15 minutes and loss of 1/8 of my hair, 3/4s of it is still severely teased...crap....anyway, time to blog and give my arm and scalp a break from extreme pain.

at the moment i have a good amount of energy, which is definetly the highest it's been all day. i've decided in order to get through the rest of this week in some degree of function i must resort to caffiene stimulants....so i'm gonna have coffee from now until tuesday and beyond...i will become an addict yet, and possibly before freshman year of college.

strangely enough i had a superb voice lesson today, despite my fatigue....actually i think the fatigue helped because i wasn't trying to overdo it with my throat muscles and letting my air do all the work, which is how it should be. i had enough air to make it through the first measure of ave maria, score! but i asked C about my potential as an opera major. both of his daughters are opera performers and also teach. he told me the importance of versatility and how i shouldn't close myself off to talents and have other areas to pursue as a back up. i can be an opera singer or any kind of singer i want as long as i have the basic training, the rest is just styling. with that in mind, i'm thinking of combing the 2 professions...going to rockford getting the bfa and dance minor....and then grad school for the opera training. but C also mentioned the importance of teaching credits, which is an appealing fall back...i'd like to teach voice lessons if i wanted stability.

but i need sleep, and before that i have to get off this makeup and get a comb through all of my hair, not to mention run through my speech.

well, i must get the bad out of the way first....i got my rejection letter from boston today. i had been mentally preparing myself for it, but there was still this sliver of hope that i might get in....alas, no. but i've been moving beyond it in ways. basically, i've decided that my talent at this point in my life is not what they're looking for and with time and training i can mold into something great. so right now i'm at a crossroads as to whether pursue my talent strictly singing or musical theatre. either way i have a school for each one....i could go to concordia and be a vocal music major then go to grad school at some elite music conservatory and get a masters in opera performance. i could go to rockford, get a bfa musical theatre degree and possibly a dance minor then go to AMDA and get the certification. i need time to contemplate it, which i don't possess at the moment....i also want to ask certain people which talent i should develop....plus i need to start listening to opera more if i want to possibly do it as a career. so i've moved on and beyond the rejections, because if i want to be in this business i have to get used to them...might as well start now.

but the good part of the day- we had a dress rehearsal with makeup and i had the greatest time making myself hideously ugly....it was almost like painting because i had all these shadows and lines and warts...a lot of fun...i even blackened my front tooth and had someone tease my hair. my goal is to scare small children...and adults, too.

and i need sleep because i have endless amounts of homework due my increasing amount of absences....uggh...band, jazz band, wizard, choir, solo ensemble....

sitting at the computer in my paint-splattered overalls, i contemplate the extremely long, but short, week stretched ahead of me....this time next week i'll never have to worry about Wizard of Oz ever again....what a great feeling of relief. but for the moment i'm quite happy and content to be involved with it....i brought Tibia's costume to the run thru tonight and finished the main body and then ran out of paint. i know my part and it keeps getting better...hehe, i scared the music director tonight, yes...and i'm looking forward to being uglified starting tomorrow....i get green makeup, fake nails, a unibrow, blackened teeth....warts, hopefully a prostetic nose, extremely teased hair that i have to wear in cornrows for the rest of the week with green coloring.

but i had an interesting conversation with AN tonight during practice....she asked me how i felt about A flirting with LK...and i told her it did bother me with the boob thing....but that A is a very affectionate person by nature, and what nerve do i have to interfere with it?....besides, both he and LK still like each other in a way, and it would be dumb to play the jealous gf and forbide them to interact.....and also, how i'm dealing with this is a reflection of myself.....if i was unsure of myself i'd be taking this a lot worse....but i know how A feels about me, and i trust that he won't do anything to hurt me. and he is really good about trying to make me feel like i'm not being short-sighted....paying more attention to me when he's around that group, saying i love you at intervals (and always meaning it) i'm ok with it

i had a good weekend with him....he came over yesterday and helped me start painting tibia's costume....we ate dinner with the parents and saw Under Milk Wood at AAAA....A spent the night and went to church with mom and I because I had to play for her choir. i really liked the comfort of the entire outing....basically, because that's how most of my weekends end up and involving A with it is like fitting him in my life and a confirmation of how well we fit together. he seemed to enjoy myself, whether or not that meant he enjoyed what we did or if he was just content to spend time with me. but i was really happy when i was with him...and spent a bit of time pining over him when i didn't have to focus on other misc wizard stuff.

random thought for today: it occurs to me that i have him wrapped around my finger in some extent. it just reminded me of the position i had with M 2 years ago. but i didn't abuse it then and i don't intend to abuse it now.... and i'm wrapped around his finger as well......(*smiles slightly at her bizarre ring metaphor*, ring equating commitment- hmm)

speech subsections today...surprisingly, i did better than anticipated in the beginning of the week...5th place....not bad, considering i didn't think i was good enough to make it as an alternate.....plus my 1st round judge was out to get my school and gave me a shitty ranking with crappy comments not relating to performance at all. basically, i'm looking forward to sections next week because if i work hard i have a chance of getting farther than i've been....possibly make it to final round and dare i say it, state? basically, i have my comic timing and presence. lucky me, i've been able to keep the speech natural, which is something i've struggled with in past. now i just need to work on character development. i have 2 practices this week...one right away with 2 coaches for 25 minutes....and one with someone to help the interp categories...i know her from theatre. if i just work my ass off....maybe....i can almost taste it.

but today was funny because A keep hanging around LK, which i didn't mind because Lk was hanging around cool ppl like LA and this guy from breck, W? yeah...but A, being the horny i need affection guy that he is kept majorly flirting with LK, also LA, but mostly LK....and honestly it didn't bother me....i just don't know how to respond in those situations...actually, i'm just bad at new social situations in general....hmm?...yeah, i stand there like an idiot trying to look like i belong....how strange is that, the actress feels awkward and doesn't feel like she fits in....so do i come off as such....yes, A's told me i'm weird about ppl....

i want to be removed...just for a little bit, to regain my sanity....everything keeps piling on top of me and i haven't had time to catch my breath...odd, how a few months ago i said i'm too detached....but at the moment i want that feeling of seclusion with no obligations for 2 days or something....but alas, no....and even if i could shut out the world right now i wouldn't be able to do it because the things going on in my life mean too much at the moment....i love the play, i love speech, i love spending time with A...school's passable and i'm always gone anyway, 2 more days next week....i haven't had many classes since thursday morning....damned homework in evil econ...

but i must practice if i'm to accompany LP in 40 minutes...yet another commitment

at the moment i'm tired of the analysis of the relationship....it makes me feel like i'm not good enough and the reasons i have don't mean anything. oprah was on when i was at the gym today and the segment was about teens and pre teens being too young for various things....they go on about the bit concerning sex and how its become casual to the point of outrageous, etc etc....and this particular teen girl was 15 and she'd had a bf of 17 for over a year.....her father made a comment to the effect of, i wish she had waited to have this...she doesn't have any friends but him....

so this got me thinking about the whole "too young" aspect for a mature relationship....yes, i'm older and almost on my own....but at the same time i'm young in many ways....it just made me realize i'm tired of the analysis. what i know is i'm happy when i'm with A and i don't need a reason for it because i've been giving the reasons....to myself, to him, to my friends, parents, aunt....this overanalysis is just another problem i have to go with the rest of my life, striving for perfection and depressing myself when i don't see it...but i'm not going to half ass this, i couldn't....i don't want to.....but i just don't want to half to think so much and feel like i should justify everything....i do what i do because that's my instinct at the time....that's what i'm learning from this relationship, instinct.... more often than not, i've thrown away my logical thought process when i'm with A and made my soul happy, something i've been lacking...

and i was reflecting about the e-mail i wrote last night....i can't help feeling that it was cheesy....its how i feel, but something about it seemed fake....i don't know what that means.

mom said there was a letter for me....i'm very afraid it will be my rejection letter from boston....i shall soon see.

i feel as if i've been surrounded by culture with all of these new things to think about. i spend time with mom before dinner working on comedic timing for speech....that was the best practice I've ever had, thanks to mom and her wonderful directing sense. she gave me so many new ideas to try out...yeah, i did figure out where to pause for emphasis and laughs, but beneath it i now have new principles for where the character is coming from. for instance, I have this bit with a street musician and previously had just played the character as manic....no, she has potentially found her prince charming after her trying day as the damsel in distress....so she flirts with him, giving a second chance....and finally realizes this is not him....an epiphany for me....

i go to dance and F spontaneously decides we should go to this play at UMM called daughters of Africa because we might get ideas for movement for our hip hop dance. we get there about 30 minutes late because we thought it started at 7:30, but the play was more a one-woman show about multiple african-american women historical figures throughout the ages. and the actress was spectacular....the style of the play was similar to the style my speech cutting is taken. the only difference is this actress spent 2 minutes, 5 minutes per character and within that time span was completely emboding their persona. It made me wish I knew more about the historical figures mannerisms and speech patterns to know how well she was portraying them. and she did this with minimal props, a hat, a necklace, glasses....so she inspired me to find a physical aspect for me to completely become the character. I've read somewhere that many actors shouldn't rely on the character to hit them in performance. no, instead they should find a physical aspect to embark an idea to trigger the character....a posture, voice, gestures, perhaps an idea and mindset, a mood to portray?

my mind is whirling with ideas to improve my speech and suddenly my talent is renewed....school is managable, and i won't be in my hardest classes until monday...so i am free to focus on my acting...first speech, then wizard....and perhaps i will be able to do what i've known i'm capable of.

on a side note: i felt the need to express my feelings towards A. i sent him an e-mail and covered a lot of it, but i still feel like i left something out....something that my mind hasn't even put into words....something deeper than the superficial reasons i seemed to list....but i believe that is because perhaps my reasons aren't logical....or the logicallity will come with time....sometimes i forget we've only been together for 1 month, and we've really only known each other for that same duration.....i haven't had the luxury of just knowing him for several years as if we'd been in high school together. but i wish i could do for him as he's done for me, but i fear i don't possess the ability to do so....A has made me feel so wonderful and confident about myself....he's made me see things i didn't know were there.....i wish i could do that for him....and this e-mail was an attempt

well, lost my first post and msn was being strange....the computers are out to get me...

anyway....odd day for me as far as fluctuating moods go....i'm running on very little sleep and the pressure is starting to get to me....i'm nearing that time of year where i threaten to have a mental breakdown...but its funny i've been progressively feeling more and more burnt out and the feeling just caught up with me...i almost fall asleep in photography, spend all of choir moving percussion equipment and tuning the bass drum....i frantically try to read the assignment for pop culture right before lunch....lose my resource because i have to help mom with costumes which runs into pop culture....band is the last rehearsal before the concert, in which i'm looking for yarn mallets because the jr high hoards them...econ makes me feel stupid because i have these stocks mom picked out and i'm not knowledgable to know why they're good. speech practice, and i need to have an overhaul of my speech because i have no comedic timing with dry humor...and i end up practicing with the worse coach....and eventually our exchange of words when i bring this up causes me to almost cry as i'm leaving school...why, i'm not sure...

so this school thing, these extracurriculars and what-not that's getting to me is stupid and superficial...soon it will all be over...til then

ahhh, the never ending monotony of school....new quarter, 3 new classes and i'm spending my precious minutes of free time perusing stock options for econ....damn....then off to speech parents night and really really really really long wizard practice to immediately follow.....no sleep...and tomorrow is basically the same thing with slight modifications. the weather is making me wish i wasn't trapped in this institution called school, but alas i will survive as i always have....only this time i'm a second semester senior just waiting to get out....but the end is near, i can almost feel it.

spend a good portion of the day pining for A....and a good portion of yesterday evening pining for him....yes, went to the cities and spend a lot of time sitting in the car, at the play, in the car, etc....i'm not very good at describing the feeling but the best words i can come up with are a feeling of longing, yet happiness and contentment....just an elation and wishing for his presence because it made me feel as if i could do anything....just an overwhelming confidence, but yet not being selfish (although sometimes i feel as such).

i'm wishing i had the words to describe what i've been wanting to write for the past few days, but my thoughts have elapsed to make way for this seemingly endless array of somewhat bullshit that i feel i must devote myself to.....i got the "you have to live and breathe Wizard of Oz from here on out" speech in choir....and i've had the same for speech....and more than likely i'll hear it soon enough for solo ensemble, jazz band, and the like....and school isn't so mindless, i do have to think coherantly again.... but i shouldn't feel so negative about this, after all it is what i want to do....but I was talking to D about speech and me being not funny....D told me my speech isn't funny, its just full of ironies...but i'm very good at it....but then again, i don't know what to make of the whole situation...he told me he wanted to give up and quit speech too...but my thing is i wouldn't have the guts to do it....i make up my mind in my head, yet i still want to do well....but at the same time i don't do well and curse myself for it because i could have done better and the real reason why i didn't do well in the first place is because i'm trying to do well in the bazillion things i'm doing all at the same time....shit....

why am i going off on this tangent? i had no intentions of going here, it just happened.....so the reason that i let it slip, is it because that's how i feel? maybe A's right, i've been working too hard at my play....and maybe the pressure is getting to me....but i can't half ass it....i couldn't live it down, not when it's my last year, my last attempt ever...something to spoil my perfect record....god, i wish this were over...but it will be soon enough.....first wizard, then speech, then solo ensemble, the prom, then dance, then school, and then i have nothing but a summer completely devoid of commitments, save all state Lutheran choir (which i have no idea about at the moment) maybe i'll be in a play, maybe i'll have to get a real job....maybe i'll laze about and spend my days with A

I'm feeling burnt out and hating school at the moment, which is ironic considering i had the day off and have yet to have a full 5 day week for the past 2 months. Nevertheless, back to academic classes on Monday and I'm feeling ready to give up on my seemingly pointless activities (suddenly not caring about speech, Wizard, solo ensemble and the like, very unlike me).

Good things of the day- the weather is beautiful for mid march in Minnesota, 60 degrees and sunny....so instead of going to the gym and running on a treadmil, i decide to trek the streets of Elbow Lake and i couldn't help noticing what a quaint little town it is....nostalgia sets in and i'm realizing how little time i have left here...etc etc

going to L's house in about an hour, realizing that perhaps i should get off the computer, pack, finish A's cd and possibly eat before i leave the house for 24 hrs.

but anyway, i have this great longing for summer. must be the weather or something, but when i can drive in my car with no coat and the windows open i just can't fathom conforming to school. i only have 9 weeks left....the reality of parting has begun to set in....and i'm happy and sad, tonight will be another reminder of what i'll soon be leaving behind. maybe it will be times like this that I'll look back on high school and think it not so bad...

but must be off

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
"I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't
a poem."
You are a type A personality. You like bright
things, you don't call in sick to work, and you
have devastating opinions about art.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

previously up until 10 minutes ago i was in a state of extreme hyperness brought on by artificial chemicals (glucose, fructose, and the like...chocolate, mwahahaha) meanwhile, my seemingly current being of fatigue has taken its usual place....so here I am, sitting in front of my computer, maintaining an image of artsy/attractive yet dishevelled....short black skirt, black shirt, black boa/scarf-esque thing, black and red flower scarf as belt, hair in a up do with various peices of hair falling out, make up clumpy and running but sexy unkempt (why am i describing this? i have no idea, besides the fact i was told i look good from 4 different people)

various things that happened since i last posted i feel have relevance at present

1. got a rejection letter from stevens point...felt slightly sad about it because i was snubbed instead of the other way around (it was my last choice in the line of auditioned schools) the only downside is i think i have no chance of getting into boston, but i'd be perfectly happy going to rockford...and i was beginning to wonder if the only reasons i wanted to go to boston would be for location and prestige...

2. i was completely crazy and hyper today for speech...took great pleasure in being odd...frolicking about the school, laughing all the time, generally being weird.

3. talked to C, who happens to be K's younger brother at the speech meet....he's like a mini-K....man, if i were a freshman and not taken....

4. figured out my independent study from 2nd quarter, classic novels that i was so fed up with the endless papers and the like....got my grade from the course and the teacher told me i was one of the best students she ever had with extremely bright analytical ability. i got a 97% on my final paper, the only thing deducting me was my somewhat weak conclusion. and my entire grade was a 95 %, A...awesome so I did pull off a 4.0 that quarter

5. got 5th in speech, competing mostly against jr high kids and ppl from my school. got me thinking i probably won't be in sections, and if by some miracle i make it there, i won't be getting to final round/ state....so i'm wondering how much i should make an effort to improve my piece...take advice from A, who says i've been working too hard at my play

6. i have a spectacular weekend ahead of me....a day to myself tomorrow, going to L's house for an old fashioned girls night in, seeing A all day saturday, and going to a professional show with the musical production class sunday...

7. i'm wondering if all the sudden academic work i'll have starting monday will be good for me, on the account i rarely had to use my academic skills this quarter...plus i'm fairly certain i got another 4.0

i've felt pressure to the point of exhaustion. for some reason going the entire day without stopping for so long has worn me down, made me question my place. my life seems perfect on the outside- college auditions finished, one acceptance so far, school going well, excelling in my extracurriculars, starred at mock trial, principle in school play, a good relationship with a wonderful bf, sensible friends, good relationship with parents....so i live from thing to thing, going place to place, accomplishing every task....not getting enough sleep, fearing i'm not eating well enough, the exercise i get just seeming to consume what little energy i have, leaving me to wonder if i can function....but somehow i manage....

funny thing is, i'm happy- or at least under the illusion of happiness. and because i'm happy it feels very fake, as if this happiness is a dream the will burst at any moment. things are balancing, and it is what i want in life, but it doesn't feel real...that i should strive for something greater that these superficial goals i've achieved. is that part of our evolution, genetic makeup, to strive for more even when life is already "perfect"? is perfection attainable? frankly, i don't want perfection....but i long for something more i can't identify. i think i just need to take a step back and relax a bit...i'm too tense...i do need sleep...i just feel stretched too thin at the moment

i have to get these thoughts out of my head if i'll be able to sleep

death has been in my mind all day, and because of events for the past 2 hours it has been in the forefront of my brain. today i found out kids from my school's dad died of a heart attack...which hits me really close to home because he wasn't that old and i saw him yesterday in church....i was singing with his wife....his eldest son is part of the old theatre clique....so then i contemplate death among my own loved ones, including A....thinking about losing A is so severe it almost makes me cry, to the point of i have to stop thinking about it so i don't cry....besides, it wouldn't happen....its as likely as me dying young....

but then he tells me he's been thinking about suicide....god, this scares me because over msn i have no idea how serious he is about this...yeah, sometimes i think about death and on certain days i may be closer to it based on mood....but i have no way to gage the possibility of this...he won't do it....i've been reassured of that now....but that possibility makes me realize how much i really love him....if he were taken away there'd be a part of me that would break...i don't know how well i'd heal because death has never been that close to me

ok, now maybe i can sleep without turning this over and over in my head

I feel reborn...or as if I'm about to be reborn, standing perched on the the brink of flight, waiting in anticipation....but yet exstatic to be there....i take one last look at my surroundings, enjoying the good memories and happy feelings past and present....windows and doors are opening to a world of possibilities....i stand in transitiion between the old world and the new, living solely in the present with my mind slightly turned toward the future. something happens to make my mind dwell on the past, world to be left behind....a person, a word, a feeling....and i do have a moment of regret, of wishing a certain someone would come into my life when i could keep him there for a longer duration. instead, i throw that thought aside and cherish his presence in my life at this very moment. i want to fly....and i am...but yet i want to soar and take him with me, literally and figuratively...spring just makes me feel that way, driving forever with music blasting into the sunshine and the fresh gives me the urge to do something spontaneous. and i wish A was with me and my time uninhibited so i could do as i pleased....but he's and hour away and i have rehearsal and lines to memorize....

things that made me happy today (in no particular order)

1. acceptance letter from rockford, number 2 choice (i have a place to go next year!)
2. throwing away a plan and painting on a whim
3. having pizza for breakfast
4. thoughts of A floating aimlessly in my head, and his sweet e-mail
5. e-mail from S

i've been contemplating the symbolism behind nakedness....exposure...almost a secret or something. and in showing someone else its like baring an unknown part of yourself. nothing to hide from, under, just you- insecurities and all. nothing but truth and honesty. and the acceptance of that, hell just the act itself could be a huge complement to the person you trust. unless one is comfortable and is that open with everyone...but i'm not that way. so i was exposed, by choice, something i'm rather happy about....and told repeatedly i was beautiful. shallow, vain me...but that reality of the complement further confirms A's acceptance of all of me....as if he wants everything about me, not just the superficial accomplishments, surface actions, or mild good looks....everything- fears, insecurities, shallowness, naviete...

i've opened up to him on so many levels...yesterday was yet another level....yes, the physical is important in a relationship and i was contemplating if i was being horribly slow in that area....i feel better now that we have that incredible chemistry. but what makes me happier is that we have this intense mental and emotional connection that is behind the chemistry....with J there was nothing and i guess i feared if it progressed to a point, it would end. but i should stop comparing A to J, no comparison really. and i know A is nothing like him, he's so much better.

one month...i can't forsee it ending for awhile...even so, its been the happiest month of my life.

currently on the actor's high....i just came from our first run thru of act 2 which has my main stuff. and of course i went over the top with it to prove i'm the best actor in that entire cast (with the exception of P, P and C) because no one had seen me do the wicked witch before. memorized my lines in 2 hours...*does an arrogant, stuck up gesture*

anyway, i'm going to see A tomorrow- something i'm really looking forward to....i was contemplating my feelings toward him today. i realized if we were 5 years older or something i'd probably live with him and eventually contemplate marriage. but we are in high school...so... i'm not feeling as weird about the LK thing of last night....i do trust him, even though i wasn't particularily fond of what happened last night. as for J, i'm not stupid enough to go back to him. the only thing i would do- bare minimum- is use him like he used me. and it would be better because we both wouldn't expect anything. but i highly doubt i'd do that...maybe if i was really desperate.

but J did teach me a lot, and for that i'm grateful....i guess i'm still taking a gamble on the love thing, but atleast i know this relationship is better for me than my last. i don't really, truly know i love him....but i think that what this feeling is. but i've thrown away my head...so hopefully i'm not confusing love with lust....but i do have something i never had with J, trust....the relationship (to me) is stable and will most likely stay that way....if something happens on either end, we'll work it out and each will be forgiven...and A makes me feel as if i'm on top of the world with nothing to hold me back.

interesting tidbit for the day: i taught 9th grade choir....spent my 20 minutes or so telling the boys to be quiet and singing various parts....i can sing louder than the guys, altos, and sopranos....but then again i'm a soloist and they are freshmen....so maybe my extreme back up plan of being a high school choir teacher is not looking so good....

irony....and how a lot of my life seems to revolve around creative institute. i talked to J for awhile online. we hadn't spoken since the break up. odd, he seemed somewhat remorseful. he said we could be make out buddies or something. previously i would have taken him up on it, if only i could detach myself and not get involved. if we both knew we were using each other it would have been ok. i did tell him I was with A and he sounded happy for me.

speech was odd for a number of reasons. first off was extremely awkward around A in public yet again...very detached and nonresponsive (mock trial word...funny). but then we ended up talking to LK, at which point A flirts/ is extremely friendly with her...and me as well...its as if we're both his gfs. but he could sense i was kind of weirded out by the circumstance, so he favored me a bit more....which i loved him for. the situation was just a bit weird for me....i know he loves me and won't hurt me....but at the same time he still loves LK. something he'll deal with...meanwhile LK seemed pretty happy with the circumstance...and we were on good terms, before we'd been avoiding each other i think.

and it did annoy me that i didn't place...but this meet didn't count and i knew i didn't do well. on the other hand, i'm extremely happy for A...if he hadn't placed i'd probably been extremely pissed off. instead i'll improve it and i have next meet before subsections....i'd like to make it to final round of sections, but i'll see if i can make it so subsections in humerous.

oddly enough i was in a slightly depressed mood when i got home....then J kind of cheered me up....i think it was the kind of closure i needed, to know that he still liked me even though we wouldn't be a good relationship. maybe that wound was still healing after all this time...

thought's about A swirling around in my head:

LZ and I shared a hotel room at state....last night we had an extremely long conversation about many things, but it began with A. LZ hasn't really liked A for various reasons, and last night I found out those reasons entailed A taking LK away from her and A's bluntness. But LZ is a person I would trust about judgment on this. And as we were talking about A and the way he was with Lindsey versus how he is with me, I felt very good about my decision. Previously, my time spent with A was separate from my head....I would behave solely with my emotions/heart/soul. When I would talk about it with someone, my head would scream "what the hell did you do?" (that instance about 3 weeks ago when i temporarily took back the i love you). but the difference with talking about A with LZ- my head and my heart agreed....i'm comfortable...this is right.

there are certain things i have to face....there's the whole LK issue...which doesn't affect me directly, but its there. That's something A will sort out on its own, but I have a feeling I'll become involved sometime. and i've been asked this on 2 separate occassions; what are you going to do when you go to college? will it be hard to leave? i do know A will not get in the way of my plans for next year, nor would he want to inhibit me. deep down i know if the relationship lasts that long (which at the moment i forsee happening, unless A does something) I'll be the one to break it off or something...i don't want to think about that now, live for the moment and cross that bridge when i come to it. but i do know that's the way it will happen, whether or not I call if off before I go to college or try to make it work freshman year remains to be seen. I don't know what i want out of it beyond the end of senior year.

at the moment i'm just content- is this the feeling that A described? that roundness? being content with everything because i'm in love? yes.... but monday as we were hanging out at my school after the choir concert, i couldn't help but feel uneasy as people went past while A and I are rather lovey-dovey....not sure why.....because i don't like the publicness of it, or because i know these people one way or another....i hated myself for doing it, but at the same time i couldn't let my guard down. it was better when A and I were alone near my car, and he sensed it...i guess it is good to have a certain amount of tact....that was one of the things LZ disliked about LK's relationship with A, she's extremely public about physical stuff....i agree with LZ....but am i too stiff? possibly, probably i guess i'm stilling getting comfortable with A....odd how this is reversed from my last relationship with J....fast on the emotional/ mental level, very slow on the physical one....something i am happy about

i'm trying to calculate how long we've been together, as if the number further confirms our stability with each passing week.....so if we hooked up valentine's day weekend....13, 15, whatever today's the 10...almost a month....almost as long as i had been with J....and still going strong....looking as if it would be awhile before it would cease. this number seems to ease my mind, agree with my logic...balance my emotions....i can't tip that scale too much for fear i lose my courage....my peace of mind, my crutch...can i function just on my emotions and throw away the logic....not now...not yet

brief overview of state mock trial to get it out of the way:

well, most important thing- yours truly got a starred performance at state. there were awards for outstanding attorneys and witnesses and only 10 people went up there. but i played franklyn (my witness) once last night at our 2nd trial. franklyn's the burn victim and i'd been working on a walk to show the severity of my burns minus the props we're not allowed to lose. i'd also been consentrating on speaking as if i had a surge of pain through my body everytime i moved. and because of that and my life being ruined i'd been trying to cry, genunine tears...i've only done that for one other character and was able to make the tears come from someplace real. last night i executed everything perfectly. its so wonderful to be able to fall into character like that. in fiddler i had to spend 10 minutes talking to myself in statements to get into character and force myself into their feelings. i don't know what it was last night, but it happened so easily. i just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain (physical and emotional). i just existed and let the feeling envelope me. i get on the stand in extreme pain and care at not hurting myself. i speak and my voice wavers, as if i might cry at the drop of the hat and the very idea of talking about this tears me apart. i get to the part about the fire and as i'm describing being trapped, the tears well up in my eyes and fall....i can't stop crying as much as my character doesn't want to. i compose myself, wipe my eyes during the object and try to maintain composure on cross....i'm off the stand, finished....my emotion and energy gone after the ordeal i just went through. i live for moments like that.

more later, at the moment i'm spent.

feeling rather manic at the moment...i'm finally home and i have a shitload of things to do...alas....

but i was talking to A last night on msn and he brought up a potentially painful subject. i had given him my blog address and he'd read most of it....the parts where i was puesdo-depressed (although i was probably overdramatizing it) and eventually this evolved into discussing the relationship and our intentions. he told me his intention was not for me to become emotionally dependent on him, which had been what i made it sound like. which got me thinking about myself in the relationship. i was contemplating it on the plane and this is what i came up with.

am i still separate from A? yes, first of all i have all my activities which keep the separation. we're not attached at the hip like some of my friends and their bfs. but deeper than that....ok, my social life outside of my activities is focused primarily on him. but at the moment that is because i've been away and haven't been able to spend time with my other friends. i do regret temporarily losing touch with L and S. i should make a point of fixing that. but i do know my life won't drastically change in the day to day sense if for some reason we weren't together.

am i emotionally dependant on A? no...to the best of my knowledge no. what makes this deceptive is A tells me things I know on the inside, but sometimes don't fully believe. he tells me my talents, good qualities that aren't on the surface (or implies them as best he can). that confirmation is something i haven't heard in awhile and i needed to hear it. does that make me emotionally dependent? no...i'm sure of those things now, and yes I may have needed A to remind me of them but now that he has i don't need the constant reasurrance from him specifically. and i do tell him a lot of things and i have given him a lot of my secrets (or the key to them), but that goes beyond being emotionally dependant, which i'll get to later

is A making me a stronger person? yes, i have broken my walls and chased away my fears. the things that were holding me back i no longer care about. the meaningless anxieties don't mean anything. i know now that if things don't go as i planned i shouldn't stress over it as much as i did. i still have control over my life, but i'm not going to freak out if it doesn't go according to plan. i have learned to live more, or not worry as much about trivial things.

but mom also brought up the subject of A on the way home from the airport and asked me to describe my evolvement. she feared that things were moving too quickly on the emotional level and it was increased because we're apart so much. i told her how underneath the bf thing A is a like a best friend to me...or rather i put him in the same category as those who have come the closest to being my best friends. and that's how i justified my emotional attachment....he's like my best friend but we've taken it beyond that for the moment. and i know even if we aren't together anymore, we'd still be friends. but she also expressed concern about what i'd do when i had to go to college, that by having A fill the void of confidant/ best friend/ and bf would make it harder for me to leave. in which i replied, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it...right now i'm living for the moment and even if we did have to lose the bf/gf relationship, i'd still try to keep in touch as my best friend...i would probably try to make the bf/gf thing work, but i don't want either of us to worry about it at the moment.

all in all, i decided that in many ways A is healing me. i'm a much happier person than i've been in a long time. and i realized that even if the relationship doesn't work out i will heal and i will still maintain this happiness i currently embody. although i would hurt, i don't deny that....but i'm not afraid of the hurt anymore....and i was so bound by the possibility of hurt before after J. its as if i feel free and uninhibited.

funny story that happened yesterday i didn't post yet: entitled "lost in suburbia"

friday morning when i'm still on vacation, I decide to go running in the neighboorhood around my aunt and uncle's house. i ask my cousin for a sweatshirt and she tells me a story of a friend of her's who got lost while running... so friday at about 10 to 11 i start running and normally go for about 20 minutes....my aunt and uncle's house is in a neighborhood with nice houses, not mansion-like things....eventually i get into this neighborhood with huge houses and in the midst of the winding streets, completely loose my sense of direction. my 20 minutes is up and i'm trying to work my way back to the direction i think the house should be.....still stuck in this really rich neighborhood....so i do a jog/ walk thing trying to find my way back for about 15 minutes....eventually i end up on this road on the edge of the neighborhood that i think will lead me to the house....so i'm on it for about 15 minutes when it becomes apparent this isn't working.....I'm like, oh shit, i can't call mom because she won't know how to find me, etc. so after standing dumbfounded for about 30 seconds, i decide to ask for directions (i am smart enough to know the address) i pick a house with 2 cars because there's a greater probability someone will be home, and sure enough a 20 something mom answers the door and gives me directions. So I end up on the highway about a 20 minute walk/ run from where i originally started....oops....but i was resourceful!

but anyway, i have this odd premonition (no idea if its true) that i will have acceptances from all 3 schools. i feel like i could end up in boston next year, which would be kick ass. but on the plus side, i have adapted to my surroundings in this house and i feel like i could function if i came here for holidays or whatever...going home tomorrow, then mock trial state on tues and wednesday.....then i'll actually be home (or atleast sleeping there) so goes life

everything is out of my hands now. all i can do now is wait, hope, and pray. today, basically i did my best and if they want me i'll be accepted. on the plus side, they go for a diverse group of applicants so being different is to my advantage. and i heard a lot of broadway belters to contrast my sweet classically trained voice. so best case scenario i'm hoping for 3 for 3....but i'm being realistic and the school that i'll probably get into is my 2nd choice. but i have a good feeling about all of them. atleast they're all finished...and i got thru it without any scars.

its the waiting that'll get to me...

things are better at the moment....i had an interesting day visiting the conservatory in boston....meandering downtown amidst the brownstone architecture and the hodge podge of different eras...quite picturesque. I could easily adapt to living there, if i get the opportunity. but i was having "hick like" feelings. aw well, but i feel like i could navigate the subway system without too much trouble. Not bad for a girl who lives near a town with no stoplights.

i'm getting along better with my cousins, it seems. for some reason when I was practicing my singing and monologues i seemed to gain a kind of respect or interest. good, of course....or maybe i was getting the wrong vibes yesterday and that minute dislike never existed....i don't know.

but I've been here since 4 and for some reason i've gone stir crazy....its not even 10 and i feel like i could be awake for hours. mom and i have things to do, so atleast i'm not sitting around the entire day. my thoughts keep drifting to if i were home....i would have been at the speech meet with A.....but i'll hopefully have monday....

re-reading old posts last night and these have progressively gotten sappier since A entered my life....good or bad, i'm not sure.....but my analytical nature has all but disappeared, something i regret. yeah, i'm happy....but this isn't interesting....i'm not sure what to make of it. idea: those awful forward survey things...

THE BASICS
1.Name: Emily
2.Birthday: June 2, 1986
3.Age: 17
4.Zodiac Sign: Gemini
5.Where you live: Elbow Lake
WHAT
6.If all of a sudden you had the ability to do one thing better than everyone else, have one amazing talent, what would it be? To be realistic, be a better actor/singer/dancer....or I'd like to have the ability to transport myself wherever I wanted to go
7.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change (personality and looks)- personality- be more willing to take risks looks- i wouldn't mind my boobs being proportionate to the rest of my body
8. What is your dream career? – Tony award-winning actress
9.What is the one thing you just have to do before you die? Travel
10.If you could be a member of any band that has ever existed, what band would that be? Renaissance
11.What is the thing you care about most in your life? – the people who are closest to me
WHICH ONE
12.winter or summer? actually, I prefer autumn or spring
13.the beach or the mountains? mountains, I burn easily
14.pop or punk? punk
15.rock or rap? rock
16.New York or L.A.? considering I've never been to either....but NYC is the broadway capitial
17.milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Dark
18.dogs or cats? Both, but i have a soft spot for cats
19.Britney or Christina? neither
20.leno or letterman? i don't really watch late night talk shows, but i enjoy letterman's top ten lists
21.mtv or vh1? i don't watch either but vh1 because they play more videos
22.country or classical? classical
23.day or night? i'm very nocturnal
24.lake or ocean? ocean...but mostly for looks, not swimming
25.waffles or pancakes? Waffles
26.soccer or football? Soccer
27.baseball or swimming? Swimming, though neither appeal to me
28.chocolate or vanilla? vanilla
29.sugar or spice? Sugar
30.grisham or canyon vista? wtf?
31.eminem-please stand up or please shut up? Please shut up
RANDOM
32.If you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be? – i have a movie version of into the woods, does that count?
33.If you could design your perfect mate what would he/she look like and be like? – hmm...artistic type, intelligent, philosophical, a good friend in all the important ways, i tend to be attracted to boys with longer dark hair
34.If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars? – invest it so i could have more money...no, i wouldn't have the patience....i'd probably go shopping or travel
35.What is the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? – single? i couldn't pin point anything
HAVE YOU EVER
35.fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking? – yes
37.run into a wall? all the time in jr high when i ran the shuttle run
38.sleep walked? - mom says i have
39.gone skinny-dipping? No, but i should
40.kissed someone of the same sex? don't think so
41.snuck out of the house at night? house, no? dorm room at camp, yes
42.gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver? nothing life threatening
43.laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out your nose? - almost
44.started laughing really hard so you just spit out what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow? maybe
45.swallow a bug? Yes
46. have you ever actually kept a new year's resolution? if so what was it? see archive written around the 1st....i think i've kept most of them

here in boston, and i'm not sure what to make of my surroundings. my aunt and my cousin K met us at the airport and took us to dinner....and throughout dinner i kept getting this attitude-like vibe from k.....it's odd really, i know all of this bragging-like info about her extracurriculars and grades. it seems as if my mom and her brother are playing up the "my kid is better" thing. but there's something about her and i can't put my finger on it. i'm hoping it will get better once we get to know each other again. i haven't seen her for 4 years. i just hope i lose this edgy, intimidated feeling. but at the moment i'm feeling very out of place in the house....and also very hick-like...something i'd like to avoid, but feel i can't.

and then there's my other cousin, J who is a 7th grader and the rebel child in the house....into very bad things....and difficult....i sensed it the 10 minutes i was around her just now...yeah, just not getting a very positive interaction vibe from either of them....i'm just not sure what to make of being here. and this isn't a good sign if by some miracle i end up at boston conservatory and come here for long weekends.

i just feel very tense and uneasy....not sure about this....things will be better when mom and i go off on our own for the campus visit tomorrow.

Time to throughly devote myself to a decent posting, not because I feel I have to but because I need to.

Leaving for the airport in about a half an hour or so....

Last night A ended up calling me and we talked until his phone card ran out around midnight. We didn't really talk about anything in particular. In fact, it was all meaningless in the grander scheme of things. I guess intelligent thought was beyond either one of us last night. But to hear his voice was all the comfort I needed. I've debated about giving him my blog link. I think I'm going to now....but I wonder if that will make my posts more guarded, and that's the last thing I need. Maybe I'd feel the need to protect him and myself by holding some things back. Obviously my blog has focused on A ever since we hooked up....but on the other hand, A would want to know about everything in my life- including the negatives about him. And I'm ok with him knowing everything....so I'll give it to him.

But my mind is currently filled with thoughts preparing for travel. It is hard to analyze/ ponder whilst trying to get my life in order so I can leave. Plenty of time for mindless thinking in the airport....

Multi-tasking while blogging is not an enjoyable feat, yet I'm doing so tonight. Today is Friday because I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow. So I've spent my last 2 days taking care of things so I can leave home again. I'm very drained- physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Intersesting things to write about:

Currently my mind is too fatigued to make my life seem interesting. It is, actually. To use a horrible clique (phonetically; clee-shay, i don't know if i'm spelling it right), I feel as if I am on top of the world. My auditions are going well and I feel very confident in my abilities. I had a wonderful practice with K on my monologues and a great voice lesson. I'm beginning to feel that I may be able to be choosy about college next year. School is manageable. I'm getting assignments done despite my poor attendence. Things with A are progressing well. I feel stable in the relationship. And shallow me, I feel content that I have prom figured out....superficial, damn. Plus I'm looking forward to my mini vacation in Boston.

Meaningless dribble...nothing worthwhile i've written so far...perhaps i should stop