endings and new beginnings

i've somewhat reconciled with A....i'm not sure what it was about this week, why it was this particular week (ha, hell week) that made me bring these feelings to the surface. the irony of his e-mail....and the irony of his reply after i've returned from going out. it's so early...funny, it's one in the morning and i'm tired, but from the girl who goes to sleep at one on a regular basis.....i stayed out until 2:30 last night and probably didn't sleep until 4.

last night...the cast party. the benefit of student directed productions is that the cast party basically consists of getting drunk in the theatre. mostly i didn't partake, except that i had one drink....my parents were coming the next day and i didn't want to be hungover. i'm just speculating that i'm a lightweight. so i had a bit....and enough water so it didn't even get to me.

why am i missing A right now? why am i missing AW? am i just craving the attention? i want arms around me, instead of being on my own. i was sad to leave the social outing so soon tonight. i was telling this to EC today: i want the reassurance that comes with commitment, even though neither of us are going to truly make it right now. i somewhat know what AW feels for me, but i've never been sure verbally. When we've been apart except in going about our lives i sometimes question what he still thinks of this situation. I wonder what feelings are running through his head. But then he makes a gesture: the way he holds me when we wake up in the morning, the way he hugs me and looks at me when i leave, the fact that he doesn't have sex with me because he respects me too much even though he wants it. little things to ease my mind. EC told me she couldn't do what i'm doing. but then i explain what it means to us to not have the commitment and she basically hasn't encountered the pressures and obligations of it. she told me she would want commitment to know true feelings.

i guess i'm used to the way A was with me. he'd tell me all the time that he loved me, and even though it scared me to death initally and he said it all the time....i guess i became acostumed (sp?)....i miss it....i miss knowing exactly how things were. with AW i have to constantly keep guessing because he's much more secretive about how he is. A trusted me enough to tell me. I don't think AW trusts anyone. yes, he vents to me...probably to me more than most....but it isn't the same.

i guess i always had it in my head that i could make AW fall in love with me, just by being myself. i don't know how far it's progressed. and i should think something like that....it's sounds really manipulative, and i really don't intend for it to be that way. i want some answers.