i am so shaken....i decided it would be better to blog than to try to sleep, even though i've been home only a half and hour since i left for school this morning.

today i auditioned for wizard of oz......after one-act rehearsal (which lasted until almost 6) i had to go to work and eat dinner and come back at 7 because of taking measurements for musical production......on my way to work i realized my fatigue and how the last 2 days have felt like and entire week. so i decide to eat and come back at 7, but while i'm eating mom calls to tell me she can be there to take measurements (she's the costumer). Previously, I had been eyeing my front tire because it looked low. So I eat, work, primp, reslove to do vocal warm ups in the car and proclaim my tire good enough to get to school and home.

Singing in the car, humming along with ppl's audition songs.....i get up and do ok....i sound good, projection, tone....but various things are slightly weaker than i would have liked....but i moved (no one moved beyond having an interesting look on their face)....the music director tells me that's the best i've done it from practice during accapella....ok.....i read Dorothy, Gloria...then the wicked witch (best part).....i'm still anxious from the singing whatever (i drank half a bottle of water in 5 minutes....nerves) then comes the dance audition, i'm ok...taken dance a little....typically a quick study....for some reason this didn't come as easily to me as i'd hoped....i froze....made it through, did better on the free style ballet thing.....ahh.

mom and i leave at the same time...i need gas, she looks at my tire, tries to take the tire pressure....now it's flat.....oh shit....left it in town....went home.....dad's pissed...."i told you how long ago you needed new tires....i can't keep track of your schedule. " actually said bitch, not a common occurance.....me cowering in fear....i have trial tomorrow and a voice lesson and dance and i wanted to go to the gym....ahhh

so then mom and i are talking and i'm still scared of dad's wrath....i'm saying "what's he think of me next year? what if this happens to her next year, what is she going to do? she's not having a car....so i better get into boston." previously had been discussing the auditions with mom (classic stage mother) and i'd been trying to maintain an unsure attitude so as to not get my hopes up and not be a prima donna.....i sound very not confident.....mom tells me i better be sure of being the best at school, cuz what am i going to do at auditions against kids with the same abilities or better?

totally freaks me out....sends me spiraling back into self doubt....i'm trying to explain why i was behaving this way and projecting confidence to her.....but in reality, what if she's right....i think ppl in school could beat me out for Dorothy or whatever, but i think its based on body type and physical, etc....i think i blew everyone away (put some jr high kids in awe...good)

but i'm so afraid, so afraid....and the tire and dad thing only make it worse.....fear...fear....i want to cry because everything is too overwhelming right now....i've had little sleep, i've hardly been home....i've hardly had any down time by myself for the last 2 days.....i feel like i'm running my health into the ground....too much, too much.....

but they're laughing downstairs...my parents....dad isn't stewing....mom isn't annoyed.....maybe it will be ok? this fear will subside and i'll work harder....i don't have any homework right now....i get a guilt-free day at trial tomorrow complete with breakfast with the team...

i feel slightly better....maybe now i can sleep.