fears keep surrounding me....suddenly i'm panicing about almost missing financial aid deadlines, still worring about college auditions....i'm seeing all of these things i have to do and freezing in fear instead of taking a deep breath and dealing with it. is this what i get for relaxing, for thinking i can coast just a little bit and not drive my physical health into the ground?

i have time for this....4 weeks until my 1st audition...time to prepare and work....1 week until one-act competition. i know my lines and blocking, its just a matter of finalizing...mock trial is currently up in the air...but that has to be 2 weeks away. speech is in a week and the 1st meet doesn't count for anything, but i have it in my head that its a measure of how well i could do in a new category......surprisingly, i'm not worried about wizard of oz auditions-i've either become confident in my abilities or accepted getting something other than Dorothy or the Witch....mom's taking care of the financial aid deadline

but my head is swimming with all these deadlines and wanting to do well and wondering if i can....i can, its somewhere in me....but whether or not i can find it and use it....part of my theory as an actor is to let things happen once i get to a certain point....but i'm thinking i should disregard that theory. i should search for clues in the material to tell me how to behave, how the character feels about the things they're saying....maybe a physical gesture, expression, stance to make it real

maybe i should search my own life to better relate to characters.....going back to Laughing Wild, my speech and college audition monologue.....the character isn't me, but there are so many elements of me in it. hell, i could be in the same position if i had been in similar circumstances. i could be a manic depressive, in and out of mental institutions. i hate people in general sometimes....maybe i could hate a stranger enough to hit them on the head in the supermarket cuz they were blocking my path to the tuna. i'm searching for a soul mate, but always realizing people could not be that....there's a place where she's talking to a random street musician and if he understands her wit, they're soulmates......and he doesn't, so she moves on (me and D?) being completely random about things to do.....go to the metropolitan museum of art vs the movies.....i'm like that.....

but right now, i just want to crawl into a hole somewhere....which i can do at the moment....my parents are leaving....i'm probably not leaving until later this evening....i want to pretend everything will be all right...my fears will just melt away and i can be comforted.....but they won't go away, the only way they will is through work- which i am willing to do, its just it overwhelms me at the moment.

suddenly i'm plagued by failure....but the only difference is this time i care deeply....if failure captures me, it will destroy the very things i've spent the last 2 years of my life and beyond working toward. i can't let this happen. i won't let this happen. but what if it does? what then? i can't even measure whether or not i've achieve what i've set out to achieve....yeah, they may or may not accept me....but how will i know? how will i know if i have done my best? what is my best? will i truly be in character at these auditions?

i need to stop obessing....