i experienced the moment of age and reality of leaving....my last block class overlaps with the junior high choir, and i've been the accompianist for the past 2 days....talk about age span. i observe the way these kids act and realize how far beyond them i am because i'm 4-5 years older. its odd how age hits you (and i'm still so young) when surrounded by immaturity. but i suppose that happens to you when on the verge of leaving. i'm allowed to use the profanity in my speech because i'm a senior, as opposed to a sevie.

on top of that, my college audition travel plans are almost finalized. its all coming so quickly and i'm excited and terrified at the same time. i have so much riding on these auditions....i feel like i need more time and even though i have 2 weeks or more, i won't be able to work as much as i need to. i know i shouldn't make these such a big deal...i'm acting like if i don't get into any of these schools that i should give up my ambition of being an actor, which shouldn't be the case. but i wonder who i'm competing against for these spots and what their level is....i'm probably going against kids who are the same level or better- who would be doing this if they were at a lower level.....can i cut it? am i good enough? these thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but with my auditions looming ahead of me- i might start to panic. yeah, its one thing to try to get the lead in the high school play competing against near amitures. but its a completely different thing to be going against people who are mostly likely more talented than i. so i console myself with, if k can get in (currently at school in NY) then so can I.....but can I? suddenly i'm not so sure.

self doubt plagues me....it will all turn out like its supposed to....but i'm afraid of the consequences.