brief overview of state mock trial to get it out of the way:

well, most important thing- yours truly got a starred performance at state. there were awards for outstanding attorneys and witnesses and only 10 people went up there. but i played franklyn (my witness) once last night at our 2nd trial. franklyn's the burn victim and i'd been working on a walk to show the severity of my burns minus the props we're not allowed to lose. i'd also been consentrating on speaking as if i had a surge of pain through my body everytime i moved. and because of that and my life being ruined i'd been trying to cry, genunine tears...i've only done that for one other character and was able to make the tears come from someplace real. last night i executed everything perfectly. its so wonderful to be able to fall into character like that. in fiddler i had to spend 10 minutes talking to myself in statements to get into character and force myself into their feelings. i don't know what it was last night, but it happened so easily. i just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain (physical and emotional). i just existed and let the feeling envelope me. i get on the stand in extreme pain and care at not hurting myself. i speak and my voice wavers, as if i might cry at the drop of the hat and the very idea of talking about this tears me apart. i get to the part about the fire and as i'm describing being trapped, the tears well up in my eyes and fall....i can't stop crying as much as my character doesn't want to. i compose myself, wipe my eyes during the object and try to maintain composure on cross....i'm off the stand, finished....my emotion and energy gone after the ordeal i just went through. i live for moments like that.

more later, at the moment i'm spent.