i have this feeling i can't explain- like i've been kicked in the stomach for whatever reason....i hope that doesn't mean anything. and i haven't the slightest idea why i should be feeling that way. we won our trial today (perfect score from the presiding judge!) and are going to state competition. very exciting and i actually get to do something more than keep time. i get to try my franklyn walk and our team doesn't have to worry about getting the 40 hours. no watching tapes this year.

but maybe its because when i came online i didn't get an e-mail from A. very unusual...besides there's probably a legit reason, i shouldn't jump to conclusions. i guess i just want to talk to him in general...i used up my phone card last night, so i probably won't make the first move. anyway, i heard some things about him today and that just made me want to make my own judgements. also LK is feeling sorry for herself and there's some bad blood between her and A....i just need to talk to her to confirm i'm not the girl stealing her ex.

moving away from that....had a great convo with A last night on the phone....and eventually it propelled me into a deep train of thought- analysis not triggering by depression/lonliness. things i thought about: why does A love me? think about it, he's sort of like my teacher in many ways...what good am i to him besides a loving possession? something to ask. i likened the situation to the Time Traveller and Weena in Wells' Time Machine. He's the intelligent one and Weena is the ignorant one. I'm very naive.

Experiencing a mental block about that right now. But I feel the need to write multiple e-mails...to A, and L....