feeling rather manic at the moment...i'm finally home and i have a shitload of things to do...alas....

but i was talking to A last night on msn and he brought up a potentially painful subject. i had given him my blog address and he'd read most of it....the parts where i was puesdo-depressed (although i was probably overdramatizing it) and eventually this evolved into discussing the relationship and our intentions. he told me his intention was not for me to become emotionally dependent on him, which had been what i made it sound like. which got me thinking about myself in the relationship. i was contemplating it on the plane and this is what i came up with.

am i still separate from A? yes, first of all i have all my activities which keep the separation. we're not attached at the hip like some of my friends and their bfs. but deeper than that....ok, my social life outside of my activities is focused primarily on him. but at the moment that is because i've been away and haven't been able to spend time with my other friends. i do regret temporarily losing touch with L and S. i should make a point of fixing that. but i do know my life won't drastically change in the day to day sense if for some reason we weren't together.

am i emotionally dependant on A? no...to the best of my knowledge no. what makes this deceptive is A tells me things I know on the inside, but sometimes don't fully believe. he tells me my talents, good qualities that aren't on the surface (or implies them as best he can). that confirmation is something i haven't heard in awhile and i needed to hear it. does that make me emotionally dependent? no...i'm sure of those things now, and yes I may have needed A to remind me of them but now that he has i don't need the constant reasurrance from him specifically. and i do tell him a lot of things and i have given him a lot of my secrets (or the key to them), but that goes beyond being emotionally dependant, which i'll get to later

is A making me a stronger person? yes, i have broken my walls and chased away my fears. the things that were holding me back i no longer care about. the meaningless anxieties don't mean anything. i know now that if things don't go as i planned i shouldn't stress over it as much as i did. i still have control over my life, but i'm not going to freak out if it doesn't go according to plan. i have learned to live more, or not worry as much about trivial things.

but mom also brought up the subject of A on the way home from the airport and asked me to describe my evolvement. she feared that things were moving too quickly on the emotional level and it was increased because we're apart so much. i told her how underneath the bf thing A is a like a best friend to me...or rather i put him in the same category as those who have come the closest to being my best friends. and that's how i justified my emotional attachment....he's like my best friend but we've taken it beyond that for the moment. and i know even if we aren't together anymore, we'd still be friends. but she also expressed concern about what i'd do when i had to go to college, that by having A fill the void of confidant/ best friend/ and bf would make it harder for me to leave. in which i replied, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it...right now i'm living for the moment and even if we did have to lose the bf/gf relationship, i'd still try to keep in touch as my best friend...i would probably try to make the bf/gf thing work, but i don't want either of us to worry about it at the moment.

all in all, i decided that in many ways A is healing me. i'm a much happier person than i've been in a long time. and i realized that even if the relationship doesn't work out i will heal and i will still maintain this happiness i currently embody. although i would hurt, i don't deny that....but i'm not afraid of the hurt anymore....and i was so bound by the possibility of hurt before after J. its as if i feel free and uninhibited.