thought's about A swirling around in my head:

LZ and I shared a hotel room at state....last night we had an extremely long conversation about many things, but it began with A. LZ hasn't really liked A for various reasons, and last night I found out those reasons entailed A taking LK away from her and A's bluntness. But LZ is a person I would trust about judgment on this. And as we were talking about A and the way he was with Lindsey versus how he is with me, I felt very good about my decision. Previously, my time spent with A was separate from my head....I would behave solely with my emotions/heart/soul. When I would talk about it with someone, my head would scream "what the hell did you do?" (that instance about 3 weeks ago when i temporarily took back the i love you). but the difference with talking about A with LZ- my head and my heart agreed....i'm comfortable...this is right.

there are certain things i have to face....there's the whole LK issue...which doesn't affect me directly, but its there. That's something A will sort out on its own, but I have a feeling I'll become involved sometime. and i've been asked this on 2 separate occassions; what are you going to do when you go to college? will it be hard to leave? i do know A will not get in the way of my plans for next year, nor would he want to inhibit me. deep down i know if the relationship lasts that long (which at the moment i forsee happening, unless A does something) I'll be the one to break it off or something...i don't want to think about that now, live for the moment and cross that bridge when i come to it. but i do know that's the way it will happen, whether or not I call if off before I go to college or try to make it work freshman year remains to be seen. I don't know what i want out of it beyond the end of senior year.

at the moment i'm just content- is this the feeling that A described? that roundness? being content with everything because i'm in love? yes.... but monday as we were hanging out at my school after the choir concert, i couldn't help but feel uneasy as people went past while A and I are rather lovey-dovey....not sure why.....because i don't like the publicness of it, or because i know these people one way or another....i hated myself for doing it, but at the same time i couldn't let my guard down. it was better when A and I were alone near my car, and he sensed it...i guess it is good to have a certain amount of tact....that was one of the things LZ disliked about LK's relationship with A, she's extremely public about physical stuff....i agree with LZ....but am i too stiff? possibly, probably i guess i'm stilling getting comfortable with A....odd how this is reversed from my last relationship with J....fast on the emotional/ mental level, very slow on the physical one....something i am happy about

i'm trying to calculate how long we've been together, as if the number further confirms our stability with each passing week.....so if we hooked up valentine's day weekend....13, 15, whatever today's the 10...almost a month....almost as long as i had been with J....and still going strong....looking as if it would be awhile before it would cease. this number seems to ease my mind, agree with my logic...balance my emotions....i can't tip that scale too much for fear i lose my courage....my peace of mind, my crutch...can i function just on my emotions and throw away the logic....not now...not yet