rethinking and taking time to myself

my perspective has changed yet again...with the passage of time and no more performances for the rest of the semester I suddenly have all of this (free?) time which I plan to spend on myself. I plan to spend it on homework and exercise and music. let's see if it happens. but i've decided to withdraw for the betterment of my self esteem. I find myself wanting to reach out to AW, but every time I attempt he shows me a sign of his personality to tell me I shouldn't.

last night we had a conversation.....a conversation in which he was playing video games while i sat beside him. he told me how he lives life- separate and focusly on what he needs to do. the only things that make him depressed are running out of time. but his fulfillment is the personal accomplishments. this sounds like me to a certain extent. that's how i live my life, yes, but am i happy when i live it like that- no. i always find myself yearning for something more.

i asked him what he thought about relationships with people. he told me yes he cares about people, but if forced to make a decision concerning something he's commited to and a loved one in his life.....he'll always choose that something.

so with AW drifting away by going to rehearsals, i speculate very little personal one on one time with him. gone are the days at the beginning of the year when things seemed optimistic. i think it's best that i distance myself from him. i'll used him for stress relever just as he seems to use me. i'll have my priorities match his. we have similar goals, just a different idea in stressing their importance. i still like the company of his friendship, but the idea of that something more seems even farther away after the proper passage of time. i've given up on it. i will not wait for something that will not happen. i will not find myself making time for him, unconciously or no. i need to be on my own.

how i wish i could play the field a bit more. i have possibilities, actually. but i fear i've been labeled as AW's. certainly he's been deemed "hands off" in the department because of me, so i assume it goes the other way.

i should swear off boys. use them for fun, keep it casual and don't worry about commitment. don't let yourself get to deep for fear your goals or your guilt in achieving them should arise. i must devote my college years to preparing for grad school and then working in the acting field. i'll socialize and have fun, of course....but maybe a boyfriend is not a good idea. i know the seriousness of it scares me....which may have been yet another reason why i wanted out. relationships scare the shit out of me. i'm too afraid of being hurt, too afraid of feeling guilt, too afraid of not doing or saying or being the right thing.

emily's list of tasks:
1. compare/contrast paper
2. reading for freshman sem
3. beginning research for intro to theatre paper
4. vocal practice/ piano if i have time