I'm so removed from life that I'm buried underneath a combination of panic and not caring (what a strange combination) revolving around homework and various tasks. God, what am I doing? I do nothing but worry about mindless tasks that don't have anything to teach me besides setting standards and meeting deadlines. God I hate deadlines. Ironic, because I was realizing my curriculum load and my time to complete it....anyway, I finally figured out what I should have done...and well, perhaps it would have been better if i had multiple deadlines instead of finish the coursework by the end of the quarter.

fuck....i wish i could sever ties, or somehow be thru all of this without any scars. I have a fear of ending up with a C or worse on my report card, or worse an incomplete. then what the hell do i do? why can't it be summer? i can't even spend christmas break guilt free...i'll end up thinking i should be spending time on my homework. goddammit!

it shouldn't be like this. i'm sick of worring about homework. i'm sick of doing the homework. i'm not learning anything anymore, just bullshitting my way thru the class to get a good enough grade. curses, i've projected a 4.0 all year and i'm deathly afraid of not living up to that. I'm not afraid because of me....i'm afraid because of my parents....because they still have to send my senior year transcripts to college.....

ahhhhh! let me out....let me out now....why can't it be may? why can't i have all of this behind me, nothing in front of my but my future at college (hopefully the one i want)

ok, now that i've gotten that out of my system...... it's amazing how quickly things become habits/ routenes.... today was the 2nd time the same 4 of us hung out in the sound booth and played cds....i guess i can't write about things that went thru my head....i either can't remember or can't describe them....maybe its just because i want to be part of that theatre group and this is a confirmation of my acceptance. p gave me something as we were leaving rehearsal. i think there's something symbolic about it, but i haven't figured it out yet. i don't think the object (a key chain) was the symbol, it was the act.

maybe i over analyze things....maybe that's my entire issue. i should be more spontaneous. life might be happier. well....enough....my head can't produce interesting thoughts