i need this at the moment, this instance of self-loathing and regret. f told me tonight at dance MH was accepted to am elite musical theatre school in NY. why this has sent me spiraling into depression i'm not sure. but for the rest of class, my enthusiasum vanished. i cried on the way home in the car, horrible thoughts filling my head.

"i'm not good enough,i'll never be good enough, no matter how hard i work...i picked the wrong pieces, iwant to go back in time and change my selections and erase all of my auditions. i want to repeat from last fall. i could have done better... i should have done things differently." so i should give up this grandious charade. i'll never make it.....yeah, i know the ones who more often make it are persistent, but what if i don't have the talent to back it up? i don't, so i should give up this foolish dream and find something with stability. resign myself to the american dream, become my parents...make theatre a hobby. yeah, imay be the best in my two bit high school, beyond that i'm nothing.

i had a suicide moment...as i was driving from dance, i came through the wooded area...down the hill and into the curve....i almost didn't turn the wheel and thought about flooring it. my car would go hurling off the road and into the trees..self doubt would be gone. but i'm too weak

i know this is stupid, despite these rejections i still have options for my future. i have wonderful senior achievements...mock trial, musical, one-act, choir...all this meaningless bullshit....but come to think of it isn't my lofty goal meaning less bullshit as well?

typing with a pen is not fun....i have 1 inch long fake witch nails for the weekend of performances