ahhh, the never ending monotony of school....new quarter, 3 new classes and i'm spending my precious minutes of free time perusing stock options for econ....damn....then off to speech parents night and really really really really long wizard practice to immediately follow.....no sleep...and tomorrow is basically the same thing with slight modifications. the weather is making me wish i wasn't trapped in this institution called school, but alas i will survive as i always have....only this time i'm a second semester senior just waiting to get out....but the end is near, i can almost feel it.

spend a good portion of the day pining for A....and a good portion of yesterday evening pining for him....yes, went to the cities and spend a lot of time sitting in the car, at the play, in the car, etc....i'm not very good at describing the feeling but the best words i can come up with are a feeling of longing, yet happiness and contentment....just an elation and wishing for his presence because it made me feel as if i could do anything....just an overwhelming confidence, but yet not being selfish (although sometimes i feel as such).

i'm wishing i had the words to describe what i've been wanting to write for the past few days, but my thoughts have elapsed to make way for this seemingly endless array of somewhat bullshit that i feel i must devote myself to.....i got the "you have to live and breathe Wizard of Oz from here on out" speech in choir....and i've had the same for speech....and more than likely i'll hear it soon enough for solo ensemble, jazz band, and the like....and school isn't so mindless, i do have to think coherantly again.... but i shouldn't feel so negative about this, after all it is what i want to do....but I was talking to D about speech and me being not funny....D told me my speech isn't funny, its just full of ironies...but i'm very good at it....but then again, i don't know what to make of the whole situation...he told me he wanted to give up and quit speech too...but my thing is i wouldn't have the guts to do it....i make up my mind in my head, yet i still want to do well....but at the same time i don't do well and curse myself for it because i could have done better and the real reason why i didn't do well in the first place is because i'm trying to do well in the bazillion things i'm doing all at the same time....shit....

why am i going off on this tangent? i had no intentions of going here, it just happened.....so the reason that i let it slip, is it because that's how i feel? maybe A's right, i've been working too hard at my play....and maybe the pressure is getting to me....but i can't half ass it....i couldn't live it down, not when it's my last year, my last attempt ever...something to spoil my perfect record....god, i wish this were over...but it will be soon enough.....first wizard, then speech, then solo ensemble, the prom, then dance, then school, and then i have nothing but a summer completely devoid of commitments, save all state Lutheran choir (which i have no idea about at the moment) maybe i'll be in a play, maybe i'll have to get a real job....maybe i'll laze about and spend my days with A