at the moment i'm tired of the analysis of the relationship....it makes me feel like i'm not good enough and the reasons i have don't mean anything. oprah was on when i was at the gym today and the segment was about teens and pre teens being too young for various things....they go on about the bit concerning sex and how its become casual to the point of outrageous, etc etc....and this particular teen girl was 15 and she'd had a bf of 17 for over a year.....her father made a comment to the effect of, i wish she had waited to have this...she doesn't have any friends but him....

so this got me thinking about the whole "too young" aspect for a mature relationship....yes, i'm older and almost on my own....but at the same time i'm young in many ways....it just made me realize i'm tired of the analysis. what i know is i'm happy when i'm with A and i don't need a reason for it because i've been giving the reasons....to myself, to him, to my friends, parents, aunt....this overanalysis is just another problem i have to go with the rest of my life, striving for perfection and depressing myself when i don't see it...but i'm not going to half ass this, i couldn't....i don't want to.....but i just don't want to half to think so much and feel like i should justify everything....i do what i do because that's my instinct at the time....that's what i'm learning from this relationship, instinct.... more often than not, i've thrown away my logical thought process when i'm with A and made my soul happy, something i've been lacking...

and i was reflecting about the e-mail i wrote last night....i can't help feeling that it was cheesy....its how i feel, but something about it seemed fake....i don't know what that means.

mom said there was a letter for me....i'm very afraid it will be my rejection letter from boston....i shall soon see.