24 hours. My mind, body, and soul have gone full circle in the past 24 hours.

Prom: Wonderful, good, lame, medicore, sucky, ok, good, better, utter bliss...in about that order. I'm disliking the elaboration aspect, so I'm going to sum it up. Basically I start out with prom in its glory. I looked amazing and made my bf and his dad exchange looks. I loved my dress, I loved how A looked...i loved the attention. Dinner was amusing. Grand March was lame but still fun. The dance was kinda crappy but we made our own fun. Then A told me what was going through his head, the same suicidal thoughts of last week. I was annoyed because I was selfish. This was my night and this was the last thing i needed. Things got progressively worse, until post prom where he apologized and suddenly broke out of his depressed mood. We had a wonderful time at post prom, which seemed to evaporate the bad feeling earlier that evening.

Today: All thoughts of breaking up with A completely vanished (which had been running through my head). We woke up at noon, watched a movie, and then A brought up the subject of why i had wanted to break up with him that we had started on the bus ride to post prom. it ended up escalading into me almost breaking up with him. The truth poured out and i wanted to be rid of it. It was really hard on me, my emotions kept surging and I was crying and annoyed/angry. I was fed up with the way things were working out and i was tired of it. But i was still envolved and part of me wanted to stay. And A asked me if there was anything he could do to make me stay with him. I hesitate for a very long time. I'm not sure what happened....but there was an exchange of words, a promise to vent to other people and of self betterment, how i'm helping him get out of this rough period in his life and how it will get better. and then were together, the relationship renewed. I feel like we're starting over. And then until A had to leave we lay there in exchange of words and enjoy being wrapped up in each other's arms. I love him, i truly do.

i'm confused about me at the moment. the reason why i was pushed so close to breaking it off was of me and my reaction to A needing someone and venting to me. i kept telling him i wasn't strong enough to take it and i didn't know how to help him. he told me just being around him helps. i'm so selfish. i want to be wrapped up in my own life and not have to work at fixing relationships. or at least that's how the breakup would have seemed. i'm too selfish to be there for a good friend who happens to be my bf. irony; i was at a recognition banquet for my volunteer work and i kept pondering this. do i put myself before things? i determined i put myself before people. not necessarily activities/whatever, i've proven that by running myself into the ground, but people-those who are close to me. i spend my life trying to succeed at every activity i'm in. i'm trying to get the lead and do well in speech, mock trial, solo/ensemble, whatever. i do what i have to do to function, to make it through and succeed. do i ever help anyone? i'm starting to think no. i close myself off. and i wonder why i'm so removed from people? is this part of the only child syndrome? or is this just my choice on how to live my life? that more often than not i chose to relax at home instead of calling a friend and doing something.

i feel like i have to re-evaluate myself. what am i doing? i'm going to college, everything seems to be pushing towards that. i'm trying to graduate and finish up my senior year on a high note. yeah, my activities. so people? well, there's A who i'm currently trying to improve our relationship, which i'm very optimistic about. my friends, i'm trying to spend time with them before our inevitable parting. my parents, i know i'll always be able to come back to them, but i'm trying to realize and let them know their importance in my life. i feel the need to ask everyone who knows me well their opinion of me...their entire opinion. i feel like i'm living for the wrong reasons. am i?