i have reached my breaking point. somehow it all came crashing down on me, everything i've kept bottled up for the past 6 months exploded, leaving me here to drown in nail polish remover and tears. all the repressed feelings about rejection and lack of talent, stress, striving for perfection, trying to do all of it and well, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of happiness that i could call my own, confusing happiness in things going well with happiness in my own life, running myself into the ground, just waiting for me to not be able to take it anymore.

i'm tired of being strong...i'm tired of sucking it up and moving on...i'm tired of working hard and getting results that mean nothing to me...i'm tired of losing sleep and fun and relaxation over stuff that doesn't mean anything in the long run...i want to quit...i want to stop...i want to go away...

i don't want to do this anymore...live for these ideals i have in my head that if i acheive this and that and everything else, that maybe life will be happy and worth living....well i have and its not...and even though this rejection has caught up with me i'm starting to realize that maybe i didn't want it in the first place, that i'm not cut out to be a performer....perhaps i should go with my fall back...go to Concordia and be a vocal music major and be high school choir teacher...a safe life...a stable life...something other than this

i wish i had aspirations of a noble, yet wanted postion....why couldn't i have had the motive to be a doctor or something? it doesn't matter...life is a game of chance and i seemed to be screwed at every turn...if i get what i want, i don't want it....if i don't get what i want i can't say i'm better off for it and have learned something...if i work hard i abuse myself and if i don't work at all i feel guilty..."life's a bitch and then we'll die so fuck the world and lets get high"

even now i'm abusing myself....tomorrow's opening night and here i am typing in my blog to give myself some peace of mind while i should finish taking off these damned nails, shower and braid my hair, and i have to get up early tomorrow to practice my snare duet, etc before school. i hate life....or rather, i hate my life....i just can't seem to win...always something to do and always the guilt that follows it...i'm not that strong of a person...i don't possess the will to not care...i've been held to too many standards and have taken them as my own that i can't back down anymore, not even if i wanted because in the back of my head there'd be a nagging voice saying i could have done better....that voice could be anyone, mom, dad, teachers, directors, coaches, me...what the hell is wrong with me? is this what's become of my life? living upto these standards, fearing to back down because of so many pointless reasons...i need an escape, but can i really escape?

you know what i should do? completely change my field of study....i'm going to be a lawyer, a teacher, a cosmotolgist...anything else but a performer...maybe that would save me, and my sanity