emptying out my soul, cleansing it so i can move on and forget about these things i seemingly have little control over.

A told me last night the extent of the time he spent with LK on wednesday....so he has officially cheated on me. i'm torn about this, because i close to both A and LK and it upset me a bit that LK didn't tell me. i'm not sure how to react, but all i know is it happened and yeah i'm hurt by it, but there's nothing i can do. both of them feel guilty about hurting me. LK told me today if i was angry to direct it at her. i asked the nessessary questions, why did they do it? lonliness, missed him...searching for a need and each happened to be there to fill the void, although both walked away feeling guilty and unsatistifed. so i'm somewhat treating this as a parent, i wished they wouldn't have done it...but there's nothing i can do to change it, so i'm just moving on. but a strange irony kept creeping into my head last night: J, back when we were still together and i was on vacation for 2 weeks, told me somewhere in there a girl wanted to have sex with him and he didn't. why he told me that i'm not sure, guilt, pride perhaps...but i kept comparing A to J and always knew A was better for me....(i know i shouldn't do that) this just threw me....

part of me just wants to shake off the relationship and be on my own again...its a feeling i've had in the back of my head since saturday....for whatever reason i'm not sure....but when i try to justify reasons they don't seem to mean anything logical....like i'm trying to satistfy my own selfish whim of not being tied down. and it doesn't help this feeling, my current situation....but i remember the way i felt when i first met him and i believe that feeling is still there....its like LK told me on the bus back from Wheaton...you get to know one part of A and then another emerges that you have a bit of conflict with, etc etc....i guess this is just another part....but i somewhat feel like A doesn't know me either....what he doesn't know, I'm not sure....i don't want to leave him, i want to dig deeper....and it doesn't help that i saw him for 15 seconds today and didn't even get to talk to him. his choir came in and was ready to perform and poyzer tells us we have to leave right then....but i've decided i want to call him tonight....i want what we had at the beginning of the relationship, but more because hopefully we know each other better....

and i should catch up on homework since i'll actually be in a full day of school tomorrow....damn...