I've determined I've just gotten out of a hormonally-induced mood swing. The entire bout of sadness didn't really seem to have a reason to stem from, just suddenly sad.... but A has pulled me out of it by wanting to listen and trying to help me. I've been wanting to reach out to people all day without knowing why, just something was wrong (which is why i think its hormonally induced). i examine the reasons with A's help and determine what's going through my head doesn't have to be an issue. i told him i have moments of wanting to be independent, yet i still want him in my life. and he told me i'm not used to being tied down (which i'm not, its seems as if i was always grappling with perpetual singledom and i had been accustomed to it). besides, i have the best of both worlds. i have a wonderful bf who is always willing to listen to me and help me and become my dearest and closest friend, yet i still have my own life that is separate from him. i'm still maintaining my own identity, which is imporant. i still have friends separate from him, and i still spend time with them.

and yes i do feel badly about almost wanting to give up on him yesterday because of my selfishness and will to be on my own. i would have bailed on him in a time of need and would have failed him as a friend more than as a gf. but i didn't quit, i stayed because a deep part of me knew it was a mistake for both of us. so we've both betrayed each other, each in our own ways so i don't know if that makes us even but it makes us human. so we move on and try to reform ourselves, hopefully for the better. he's trying, and so should i...instead of sitting and wallowing in my depressed analytical personal shit. yeah, i made a mistake, albeit a potentially bad one....that doesn't make my entire character bad. rather, it gives me motivation....i almost shrunk away from something difficult. but i remembered what i saw in A and clung to it...i'm not going to abandon him. i'm not going to shy away from things i should face.

so was i wearing a mask? no...i don't think so....i am selfish and independent, i know that. i just let my flaws get the best of me. almost...but i've planted an idea in his head that will not go away, something i regret. and i hate the fact that people that know A keep telling me i shouldn't be with him...are they telling me this because they think i'll get hurt, or because they don't like him. how A is with me could be better than how he was with LK...but LZ's comment about finally seeing the light irked me. i love LZ, but God why does she hate him so much? she warned me about him being manipulative. because he took LK away from her and she resented that?

but i have a killer econ test and since i have a B in that class and I can't function last hour of the day perhaps i had better find some motivation to study....damn....what am i going to do in college, i don't know how to study....i just cram and pass tests