Fecked Up

Tomorrow is Friday, thank God. I'm not certain why this week quickly flew by and why I seemed to not get anymore sleep than last week. I'm not certain why I'm eating less when I have an abundance of food in my room. I'm not certain what I'm craving or why I'm craving it.

I've been fighting between wanting to retreat to my room or the library and study or go out with friends. I feel the need to escape and focus on these things that are important to me. I need to write a kick ass paper, and to do so have to finish a 500 pg biography. I need to play piano and sing for hours because I feel like my abilities are falling.

I also think I've been craving affection. Those instances when attention from AW brightens my mood for that split second. I never see him because of schedules. But tonight during that godforsaken Gallagher show he noticed me falling asleep and offered his shoulder. i want attention, attention stemming from something that is stable. but lucky me, i had that and i fucked up. why do i realize this shit now? i didn't know how good i had it. damn me. i'll be fine. besides, it's not like we're "broken up" as speculated by this week's rumors- absolute crap
i'll be fine.

why do i feel like i've made a mess of my life (perhaps i have, but there is only one aspect i can link that to)? i probably haven't. school is fine, my social life is fine, work is fine, i closed a show in which i did a convincing job of a character completely unlike me, my schedule for next semester is practically taken care of. everything is fine, dammit!...or is it?

i don't know anymore....i really don't know