Came across this random list last night when I wrote in my journal. Thought I'd post it.

Random List dated January 25th, 2004

1. sleep
2. blanket
3. coffee
4. throat lozenges
5. slippers
6. downloading songs
7. black felt tip pens
8. poetry
9. photographs
10. funky glasses
11. scarves
12. dangly earrings
13. bowling shoes
14. hanging out in the sound booth
15. socialism
16. marxism
17. communes
18. equality
19. perfection destroyed
20. denial
21. ignorance
22. sex hair
23. incense
24. charcoal
25. skin
26. comics
27. red
28. tears
29. emptiness
30. mystery science theatre
31. Ray van
32. purple
33. saxophones
34. jazz
35. tea
36. Norweign music
37. blue hair
38. ming pai
39. accapella singing
40. campfires
41. monologues
42. ice cream
43. chopsticks
44. blogs
45. deeper connection

Strange where my train of thought takes me....i begin with random objects, then describe my pre-show idosyncracies....move into my industrial revolution discussions....but then I think of my ex and numbers 22-29 hurt like a death...then L and the theatre group...which brings me to S...suddenly the list is happy instead of painful.

But my ex has been in the front of my mind lately. I can't think of any explaination for it, save how we joked about seeing each other at certain speech meets. Well, one of those is in 2 weeks. What am I going to do if I see him? The oddity is I've been wishing for a boy solely for the physical, which is something I can get from him. If only I could separate my heart from the rest of me and not become attached. So if I was presented with the same opportunity to have what we had in Morris, I'd probably take it with slight hesitation. Of course, I have no idea if he'd comply. But I'd hate the thought of failing back into that trap. I'm not strong/ heartless enough not to become attached and just use him (even though it'd probably be mutual). Oh, but I mustn't worry about things that may not happen. Its probably better for me that it won't happen.

This sudden shift of thought to him makes me question whether or not I did love him. I thought no...but suddenly I'm not so sure. I still care about him after all this time...i'd never admit it, though. God...I need to move on and at least have a fling with someone else to get past this.