I'm not sure where to begin. Today was so weird. It makes me wonder what I would have done had i known what was going to happen today.

that said, i guess i should start from the beginning and tell it like i lived it without just the boring agenda.

today was the 2nd speech meet in the season....i arrive and am immediately greeted by LK's ex bf, A. i don't really recognize him right away because he's cut his extremely long hair. but eventually A and i end up talking to each other....we wander aimlessly around the school until first round. ironically we're both in the same category, but humerous is so large we're not in the same rounds. the talking was odd....it flowed very easily, yet in the back of my mind i kept thinking- this is LK's ex, is this right? (perhaps i knew then something was going to happen)

in between 1st and 2nd round i talked to an attractive boy from Breck about speech, whatever (the only competition i had in that round, actually in both rounds)...he leaves to eat and here comes A....once again we wander before settling in the classroom tacked to the end of the hallway. we sit on a desk side by side and talk about life until 2nd round. it is here that i start letting my guard down (something i don't do easily)....i trust A so much because he generally cares. i tell him things i would only tell S and L and things I've told no one, things in my blog. this is amazing, A is exactly what i've been seeking for the longest time....we have that connection.

2nd round ends....we go back to that spot in the classroom, but i'm tired so we sit on the floor in the corner and i bring my blanket because i'm wearing a dress. we end up cuddling, something i haven't had in such a long time and i've missed so much. oddly enough, A ends up with these groupies, 8th graders who won't leave us alone....to the point where i'm thinking, "maybe if we start making out, they'll leave" i feel so safe in arms....i feel like i can loose my walls and not worry about anything....i'm not afraid of getting hurt with A. because if anything more happened between us and it was taken away, we'd still be friends. we kiss....a sweet, loving kiss....completely unlike J who kept wanting more and taking it...A is so tender and caring, something i hadn't experienced in a long time.

we sat back there in the dark, just enjoying each other's company....kiss a bit, hold each other, talk about life....wonderful...something i've been wanting for a long time....but then the applause started coming from the auditorium. oh shit, awards started early. in the back of my mind i recall all of the speech make out stories and one girl missing awards. we go in and sit in the vicinity of my school, thank god they haven't called humerous yet.....i go up and get 4th again, but this time there are no ties....and my scores were better (1 & 2 ranking).

i don't know what i want to make of this yet....i'm apprehensive about committment for a few reasons

1. he is LK's ex...i know she won't mind, but its something i can't put aside
2. he's a sophomore, although we are the same age- today's his birthday
3. he lives 80 minutes from my house....we are the same distance from his school, just opposite directions
4. i'm not sure, but i don't think he drives

now i'm contemplating about taking him to prom....and he did ask me to a semi-formal dance, which i can't go to because i'll be in Il at my 2nd audition. i would take him, but again i'm wondering how that would fit with my friends...and the distance thing....plus quite a few ppl at school know him because of LK. i think i probably will since i don't have a lot of options and he is the coolest guy i've ever met.