okay?

i had an interesting conversation with A. it was strange to be able to rehash the breakup and be able to listen to it. i felt detached, i guess is the best way to describe it. i heard everything and i emphathized...but i'm removed. my pain has subsided. i'm not sure of a good way to say this. it certainly sounds like i've completely disreguarded his feelings. maybe i have. maybe that's why i dumped him. because i'm a selfish little bitch who feels the need to strike out on my own away from home. maybe i want leave behind high school boyfriends so i don't have that tie to something in the past. maybe i have no heart and maybe i can through away someone's love for me. i don't know. everyone is selfish and egotistical. maybe i'm just more so. but oddly enough, i don't care. i don't want to be manipulated and feel guilty because of making the right decision for myself. everyone i've talked to from either here or back home says i made the right decision and it was unrealistic to stay together.

AW was telling me it was unrealitisic and A wouldn't understand why i needed to be apart because he wasn't in college. i think there's a certain degree of truth to it. i see the holes in our former relationship. i see the good, but i see what was bad. i see the bad that stemmed from me and the bad that stemmed from him. but for me it is a good memory. and that's all i want it to be, a memory. i think we have different emotional maturity levels and perhaps that's why i can't justify my actions for him.

AW is currenly on the phone with his ex who just called him. sounds very deja vu. i had a 45 minute conversation today with A. i'm just dumping this here to get it out of my head. maybe i'll go back to my much needed reading. i'm such a slacker, but it is the weekend...and halloween weekend at that.