ok-lets face some facts....i'm a very private person by nature. and because i've been hurt from my vunerablities I've tried to remedy this by swinging to the extreme opposite (i've talked about my walls that shut people out). so this past weekend when i was caught up in swirls of passion from A, my walls started to crumble until they disappeared entirely...at first it scared me as it was happening, but then i trusted him completely and was blissfully happy.

then monday came, i told LK like a good friend....she was telling me A makes a good friend but there were many flaws in the relationship that she didn't see until after they spilt up....it was this that reminded of what i had done...i'd taken down my walls and felt naked and couldn't take that. so i begin to rebuild them. I tell A that we're moving too fast....i took back the "i love you" for now. Its probably there, but i'm too scared to admit it because we've been together for not even a week. he is hurt and we talk about this....but that night right before i got off the phone he started surmizing about various negativities which sounded a lot like how J broke it off with me. i went to bed with that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that i had after J dumped me.

tuesday...he's actually ok with this....admitted he thought about forgetting it...but we both decided to stick it out....

so we were analyzing the relationship last night....basically the flaw we both see is my insecurities....
see, A's has had a really hard life, harder than i can imagine....and because of that certain things that scare me he's learned to cope with very easily and isn't afraid of them....

and then there's the whole love thing...he was able to tell me how he knows he loves me....and the reasons sound similar to what i feel for him....being content when i'm not around him with that smile on my face, that knowing that everything will be ok...and being with him is utter bliss, or something to that effect.

so while i'm in my whirl of auditions, he'll be in the back of my head...i'll be wondering about this and trying to talk to him whenever possible. but my parents are afraid he'll effect my auditions because suddenly my focus is shifted....not so, i've worked too hard to drop it at the last minute. he doesn't want to get in my way, either. so i see him tomorrow at speech and then i'm gone for 3 weekends. i leave for wisconsin on friday.

i guess i'm still trying to protect myself, but i'm trying to rid my self of my fears gradually. and he understands. maybe this will last a long time.