Closing this chapter

It's comes to my attention I can't speak freely here anymore. Granted, my thoughts aren't completely pure and nice, but they're mine non-the-less and I need to express them. I need to move them to a more private place. And so I close this blog, leaving behind my feelings of a past life and a past era. I'll begin anew and hopefully take with me a different and better prospective. May this lead me on a better path to understanding myself and my place in this world. Good bye.

caught...and it caught me off guard

why? why do i have these random urges to read A's blog? at least now I feel better about it. i can read them with an objective eye and not be hurt by the way he sees me. not that i blame him rather....it's just that he doesn't even view me as a person, just as someone horribly fake. but AW's been telling me time and time again how immature he is....i believe it, and i knew it, too. but its just odd how i can sit there and almost laugh at the things he's written. yes, it hurts, but i don't want it. i haven't wanted it for a long time. i like my life how it is. i like my current romantic situation. i have AW on the side to amuse me and i do the same for him. we're on the same page, yet both of us know we aren't using each other. at least i hope i've got that clarified. well, i trust him because he's a nice guy and has this good repore with me...as opposed to a number of people in the department that he rants about.

i'm so worn down....i'm wondering why i'm not sick. if i can only make it to the end of the semester. i have to think too much about work and just making it through the rest of the semester. i need sleep, i don't know how much i will get. and i still need to worry about a ride home for thanksgiving. ahh. oh well, i'm taking care of it tonight.

Preparation for writing

Sunday. Day of rest? Yes, but more often it is a day of homework and tieing up loose ends. Commitments at 4:30 and 8:00. Me, I'm needing to revise a paper by 4:30 so I can rest for the remainder of the day. Perhaps I can begin the reading or the writing of the next assignment tonight if the spirit moves me. I'm planning my life around my homework and the things to be completed. Man this week and next week will be a lot of fun. My finals week is practically non-existant. 2 things on Wednesday, 1 a speech, the other a speech and a paper. My other papers are due Friday.

Well, I best get to my revisions.....homework, groan.

Writer's block, ahhhhhh!

Save me from this paralyzing headache that inhibits all ability to create a sound arguement. Help! I've spent 2 hours in the library....after reading a play which I completely spaced on. Eh, I start to revise....add to my arguement because it's all research and very little arguement. Blank...blank, blank....blankety-blank. I'm going a bit loopy. I bit crazy confined within this small room in the 2nd level of the library. sitting at a table across from LU, who I'm trying not to disturb with my writer's block frustration. he is intently studying chemistry and appears to be having better luck than I. I'm going out with people after The Pickup tonight, but that will not happen until about 10. I have an hour. I want to finish this paper tonight so I all I have to do is show it to people and have them comb through it editorily. AHHHHHH!

Writer's block, how I loathe thee. A plague. A plague on both my papers....gahhhh!

How does one rid themselves of writer's block? Right now I'm tempted to walk away and finish this during the weekend. I have a very good start. Besides, it's not like I completely waisted time here tonight. I read the play for Dr. C's class. I went over the editorial notes my prof made on Wednesday. I found another potential source. Maybe I should just sleep on it. I'm hungry and that appears to not help this process at all. Grr. I hate this.

Okay, timeline for homework....Arguementative paper due Monday. Pickup reflection due Monday in e-mail form. Freshman sem paper due Tuesday. Readings for Freshman sem to be done by Tuesday. Rehearsals- Monday at 9:30 or 8:30 or something. Today is Thursday. Freshman Sem reading to be done Monday. Pickup reflection to be done Sunday. Arguementative paper to be revised Saturday. Freshman Sem paper to be revised on Sunday. I'll do laundry and dishes on Friday or something. Okay, yes...I'm done with this. No use trying to beat myself up for it if I've made the effort and can't work. I have a few days for a cushion. I'm done.

left behind

why is this upsetting me? it shouldn't. AW is going home in a few minutes. he hinted about taking me with him, only to not have me go. for some reason i feel really let down. i guess its that i want to get out, get away, and preferably get away with him. or it's that status when meeting the guy you're "dating"'s family. i don't know. nevertheless i feel as if i have days ahead of me with nothing to do....which is a lie, i have plenty to do. but homework and being alone in my room, unless i sought out people is not a great prospect. i'm clinging to this one last straw that he'll reconsider as he's getting laundry and take me with him. but....its probably not going to happen. instead, i'll phone home or sleep because my morning was robbed from me. i'll do my homework and actually be on top of things. but he's not going to call, i know that. time to change into lounging clothes and put away my things.

where is my life?

i go about my day...today was my first realization that nearly everyday i'm in class/working until 5. how i love my life....that's why i don't have any free time. but i've begun to question motivation. yes, i must get homework done. yes, i must be prepared for my lessons. yes, i must participate in cabaret...in shows, etc. i've lost myself. somewhere, i've lost my identity. but i think i've lost my identity long ago and i haven't had time to think about it.

life has become running from one thing to the next. i absorb, i learn, i read, i write, i analyze, i produce intelligent thoughts and fool myself into thinking i function. i improve, i get good grades, i get compliments, i get the nice stereotypes-theatre chick, intelligent/ adult one, different from the other freshman in a good way.... but on the inside i'm leaving behind what i need in order to finish. there goes sleep....there goes food....there goes time to myself...there goes my list of housekeeping chores....

what is inside? what is me? what happens when i strip the surface? is there anything there? or perhaps that charade that i have it all together and do it well. i have friends...i have a, what do i call him? a lover? someone who seems to have more affection for me with each passing day. i have good relationships with my professors, i seem to be well-liked in the way that i want to be liked. but i'm confused. the only thing i know about myself is my goals. that seems to be my entire focus. but isn't that what college is all about?

i don't know anymore. i really don't know.

surprise, surprise....fatigue

hello. today is tuesday. why does it feel like i've been running all week when it's only tuesday. oh, i know...perhaps because there's only 3 weeks until finals week. therefore, all papers, etc must be finished by thanksgiving break. hmm...on top of which i'm rehearsing for another show late at night and trying to audition for something next semester. i took a 30 minute nap after dinner, only to be awakened by my paper needing to be revised, music to be learned for auditions, and music to be memorized by my next piano lesson.

i need to sleep for 12 hours. not going to happen. i have rehearsal at 10:30....class at 9:00 tomorrow....

i also realized i'll be spending the bulk of thanksgiving break on homework writing a massive paper and preparing for multiple speeches to be given as finals. i like the fact that i have no exams, but i have all of this other preperatory work. my parents will love spending time with me, as i lock myself in a room with my laptop.

literary fatigue

For the past two days I have discovered the library. I've picked myself a spot, a caral (sp?) on the 2nd floor on the north side by a window. It's a bit drafty, given to me frequenting it in the evening hours when the temp outside is near freezing. I like the feeling of peace and quiet and the underlying atmosphere of intellect I seem to more easily find. Yet another reason to not do homework in my room. I haven't been in my room for more than an hour or so in several days. I've hardly slept in my own bed.

I have papers looming ahead of me. Not too threatening yet, I just wrote one last night to be handed in this morning. But I have drafts due at the beginning of the week and a 1-5 page play to be written over the weekend. I've chosen topics that need reseach, first about the life of Tennessee Williams and now about Marx's theories....yet another book for me to reading over the weekend because i feel i must. But i love how the papers are somewhat spaced out. Or atleast they aren't due for another 2-3 weeks- right before Thanksgiving.

avoiding homework...but...

today in intro to theatre Dr. C has an assignment on the board about playwrighting....ah..um...i can write papers, i can interpret and analyze plays....would i be so lucky as to write one? but its not too long and i already have an idea formulated. it's funny how i've been getting so many ideas via blogs so far this semester. my idea:

this has to have conflict, climax, resolution, sex and violence are a plus- this is all according to class discussion today, so i should put most if not all of that in there to get a good grade.

i sat there thinking and friendships came into my mind....my mind drifts to L, but i wonder how well i know her to feel i could go into her character and expand. but then i think of S. i wonder about conflict, i couldn't think of any concerning L....but i thought of S and how, especially initially, our blogs seemed to feed off of each other. how we're still slightly connected by our computers so many miles and so many years away.

i can see it...the set up....the stage divided in two with each a side for their computers and their worlds. what would make it interesting is if the computers were facing each other, as if the two of us can look up and talk to one another. we begin with the opening of the blogs and the passage of time. going through the same issues, finding ourselves and trying to make everything fit. one idea launches into another as the dialogue overlaps. but it isn't dialogue, it's journalling. no one's listening...but everyone's reading out in cyberspace. but we don't know...we want to be annoymously heard. and the instance of sending an e-mail to make sure we're still listening to one another.

but i think of this which isn't due until monday when i have a paper and a speech due for that class this week. paper, which i'm trying to write and failing to get started. i could do more with it tomorrow. eh, i should make a dent tonight.