okay?

i had an interesting conversation with A. it was strange to be able to rehash the breakup and be able to listen to it. i felt detached, i guess is the best way to describe it. i heard everything and i emphathized...but i'm removed. my pain has subsided. i'm not sure of a good way to say this. it certainly sounds like i've completely disreguarded his feelings. maybe i have. maybe that's why i dumped him. because i'm a selfish little bitch who feels the need to strike out on my own away from home. maybe i want leave behind high school boyfriends so i don't have that tie to something in the past. maybe i have no heart and maybe i can through away someone's love for me. i don't know. everyone is selfish and egotistical. maybe i'm just more so. but oddly enough, i don't care. i don't want to be manipulated and feel guilty because of making the right decision for myself. everyone i've talked to from either here or back home says i made the right decision and it was unrealistic to stay together.

AW was telling me it was unrealitisic and A wouldn't understand why i needed to be apart because he wasn't in college. i think there's a certain degree of truth to it. i see the holes in our former relationship. i see the good, but i see what was bad. i see the bad that stemmed from me and the bad that stemmed from him. but for me it is a good memory. and that's all i want it to be, a memory. i think we have different emotional maturity levels and perhaps that's why i can't justify my actions for him.

AW is currenly on the phone with his ex who just called him. sounds very deja vu. i had a 45 minute conversation today with A. i'm just dumping this here to get it out of my head. maybe i'll go back to my much needed reading. i'm such a slacker, but it is the weekend...and halloween weekend at that.

Fecked Up

Tomorrow is Friday, thank God. I'm not certain why this week quickly flew by and why I seemed to not get anymore sleep than last week. I'm not certain why I'm eating less when I have an abundance of food in my room. I'm not certain what I'm craving or why I'm craving it.

I've been fighting between wanting to retreat to my room or the library and study or go out with friends. I feel the need to escape and focus on these things that are important to me. I need to write a kick ass paper, and to do so have to finish a 500 pg biography. I need to play piano and sing for hours because I feel like my abilities are falling.

I also think I've been craving affection. Those instances when attention from AW brightens my mood for that split second. I never see him because of schedules. But tonight during that godforsaken Gallagher show he noticed me falling asleep and offered his shoulder. i want attention, attention stemming from something that is stable. but lucky me, i had that and i fucked up. why do i realize this shit now? i didn't know how good i had it. damn me. i'll be fine. besides, it's not like we're "broken up" as speculated by this week's rumors- absolute crap
i'll be fine.

why do i feel like i've made a mess of my life (perhaps i have, but there is only one aspect i can link that to)? i probably haven't. school is fine, my social life is fine, work is fine, i closed a show in which i did a convincing job of a character completely unlike me, my schedule for next semester is practically taken care of. everything is fine, dammit!...or is it?

i don't know anymore....i really don't know

rethinking and taking time to myself

my perspective has changed yet again...with the passage of time and no more performances for the rest of the semester I suddenly have all of this (free?) time which I plan to spend on myself. I plan to spend it on homework and exercise and music. let's see if it happens. but i've decided to withdraw for the betterment of my self esteem. I find myself wanting to reach out to AW, but every time I attempt he shows me a sign of his personality to tell me I shouldn't.

last night we had a conversation.....a conversation in which he was playing video games while i sat beside him. he told me how he lives life- separate and focusly on what he needs to do. the only things that make him depressed are running out of time. but his fulfillment is the personal accomplishments. this sounds like me to a certain extent. that's how i live my life, yes, but am i happy when i live it like that- no. i always find myself yearning for something more.

i asked him what he thought about relationships with people. he told me yes he cares about people, but if forced to make a decision concerning something he's commited to and a loved one in his life.....he'll always choose that something.

so with AW drifting away by going to rehearsals, i speculate very little personal one on one time with him. gone are the days at the beginning of the year when things seemed optimistic. i think it's best that i distance myself from him. i'll used him for stress relever just as he seems to use me. i'll have my priorities match his. we have similar goals, just a different idea in stressing their importance. i still like the company of his friendship, but the idea of that something more seems even farther away after the proper passage of time. i've given up on it. i will not wait for something that will not happen. i will not find myself making time for him, unconciously or no. i need to be on my own.

how i wish i could play the field a bit more. i have possibilities, actually. but i fear i've been labeled as AW's. certainly he's been deemed "hands off" in the department because of me, so i assume it goes the other way.

i should swear off boys. use them for fun, keep it casual and don't worry about commitment. don't let yourself get to deep for fear your goals or your guilt in achieving them should arise. i must devote my college years to preparing for grad school and then working in the acting field. i'll socialize and have fun, of course....but maybe a boyfriend is not a good idea. i know the seriousness of it scares me....which may have been yet another reason why i wanted out. relationships scare the shit out of me. i'm too afraid of being hurt, too afraid of feeling guilt, too afraid of not doing or saying or being the right thing.

emily's list of tasks:
1. compare/contrast paper
2. reading for freshman sem
3. beginning research for intro to theatre paper
4. vocal practice/ piano if i have time

endings and new beginnings

i've somewhat reconciled with A....i'm not sure what it was about this week, why it was this particular week (ha, hell week) that made me bring these feelings to the surface. the irony of his e-mail....and the irony of his reply after i've returned from going out. it's so early...funny, it's one in the morning and i'm tired, but from the girl who goes to sleep at one on a regular basis.....i stayed out until 2:30 last night and probably didn't sleep until 4.

last night...the cast party. the benefit of student directed productions is that the cast party basically consists of getting drunk in the theatre. mostly i didn't partake, except that i had one drink....my parents were coming the next day and i didn't want to be hungover. i'm just speculating that i'm a lightweight. so i had a bit....and enough water so it didn't even get to me.

why am i missing A right now? why am i missing AW? am i just craving the attention? i want arms around me, instead of being on my own. i was sad to leave the social outing so soon tonight. i was telling this to EC today: i want the reassurance that comes with commitment, even though neither of us are going to truly make it right now. i somewhat know what AW feels for me, but i've never been sure verbally. When we've been apart except in going about our lives i sometimes question what he still thinks of this situation. I wonder what feelings are running through his head. But then he makes a gesture: the way he holds me when we wake up in the morning, the way he hugs me and looks at me when i leave, the fact that he doesn't have sex with me because he respects me too much even though he wants it. little things to ease my mind. EC told me she couldn't do what i'm doing. but then i explain what it means to us to not have the commitment and she basically hasn't encountered the pressures and obligations of it. she told me she would want commitment to know true feelings.

i guess i'm used to the way A was with me. he'd tell me all the time that he loved me, and even though it scared me to death initally and he said it all the time....i guess i became acostumed (sp?)....i miss it....i miss knowing exactly how things were. with AW i have to constantly keep guessing because he's much more secretive about how he is. A trusted me enough to tell me. I don't think AW trusts anyone. yes, he vents to me...probably to me more than most....but it isn't the same.

i guess i always had it in my head that i could make AW fall in love with me, just by being myself. i don't know how far it's progressed. and i should think something like that....it's sounds really manipulative, and i really don't intend for it to be that way. i want some answers.

found it

i came across a topic for my paper...one that is quite a bit personal, but i'm going to go through the feelings i've been supressing. i'm going to talk about how A impacted my life....cause and effect.

i'm prodding a wound...opening this up will not be easy, but it is something i want to do...going back to old posts...how i felt firsthand....remembering it all: the beginning, the good, the bad, the renewal, the emotions that ran through my head.....and why i ran away from it

why did i run? i know why....and nothing would change me from doing it....but even so, i wish things had happened differently. he meant so much to me, and now that i reflect on it a part of it is still there....i don't think this part will ever go away, just because of the history we have. i gave him my soul and everything that was running through my head for half a year. i called him my best friend....what happens now that i took it all back and cut him off?

maybe i've cut myself off in the process....i've felt like that lately....that a part of me is missing and i can't seem to get beyond the darkness of the cave (plato reference...yeah!) i'm taking down my protective walls that helped me move on....well, it's time to truely move on.

brainstorming, yet again

in dire need of ideas for a paper......hmmmm

cause and effect

or compare and contrast (ugg)

cause and effect of what in my personal life? (because i have to keep my sanity- no research papers during hell week)

personal life- i haven't written about theatre yet, or relationships (tmi-i always thought), home, perspective, searching....

i run about my life searching for something meaningful. it seems to be a universal search, only the ways about searching differ.....we look for outlets and may or may not be satisfied once we've found them. and even if we've found outlets we may need more. what are outlets? are they art forms....activities....are they people, relationships, love....searching for that soulmate or searching for one who has the same perspective on that endless search.

i've found 2 who share that perspective- the 2 who i call my best friends....i had found another who shared my perspective for a time, but i ran away from him...my choice, not his. i strayed from his path only to find my own after stumbling through the woods....i brushed the twigs out of my hair and wipped the dirt off of my face and hands....i stopped the bleeding and let the cuts heal. have they healed? i'm not sure. i'm afraid to take off the band aid for fear of not seeing the wound diminish at all. i ignore it and as long as the band aid is covering i don't think.

its now that i dare to slowly peel the corner of the band aid and peak. i quickly replace it and fight the urge to rip up the band aid. why does one want to poke a wound? to make sure it doesn't hurt. does it hurt? i don't know....i'm afraid to touch it. the wound was so gapping....i'm afraid of it not healing....i'm afraid of letting go of my ignorance.

i thought of a cool idea for my paper. take random thoughts running through my head....write short paragraphs about them, like a blog entry.....disappear and not think about them for a day or so and come back to the same subject to see their effects. hmm, could i do that? i'd like to try.

can that work? i don't know how to make it into something that is cause and effect.

too much, but manageable

yet another hell week....another show this weekend, my last as a performer this semester. i feel its coming upon me too quickly....my lines aren't completely learned and my character far from found. i need to do some searching and i need to search for the time in which to do so. homework creeps in and i find myself trying to schedule out everything in my head....spare time-do this.....instead i find myself getting distracted ala last night staying up until 2:30 talking with AM and EC. nothing i regretted except for the bodily abuse that later set in....lack of sleep which led to getting up late, which led to skipping breakfast, which led to a working lunch, which led to only a sandwich and a pickle to have eaten for the entire day until dinner at 5.

so i'm in the mood to write...mostly because i haven't written in awhile....and because i still have to find a topic for a paper i'm to workshop on wednesday.....ah, i love homework....

i find myself stumbling upon life and being surrounded by all the things i have to accomplish. i hardly have the time to look beyond my bubble of self to the outside world. what little i've been able to see has not stretched much beyond the theatre department. i know nothing about the current events. i'm not an educated voter, except that i still have to register to vote. i'm not even sure i can do that now, since the deadline is past and i don't know if one can register the day of in illinois as they can in minnesota.

multi tasking: running lines as i'm writing in my blog. i don't think i can do it.

Gimpie...haha

So hell of an irony...playing a cripple in a week and a half and i sprain my ankle. i've been forbidden from my director to do no more method acting....i feel like an idiot. i hate the special treatment, if i want to be babied let me do it on my own terms. this cripple stuff stifles my independence. but on the other hand my ankle is quickly getting better.

I'm so tired...thank god this week has only 3 days. Next week will certainly take on all personifcation of hell week. my mom is coming next weekend, something i will prefer instead of last weekend. but i have a few hours before rehearsal and i think i'm going to use a portion of it to sleep.

home?

back in minnesota...in the house where i've spent most of my life...with 2 of the people I call my friends....and it all seems like an odd dream....i'm yearning to get back already...i just got here today and am leaving tomorrow...that couldn't come soon enough. yes, i'm happy to see my parents but i guess i miss college. i keep thinking of the people there, granted a lot left for fall break, but 2 of my good friends are there and i miss them.

i suppose this is how it will be from now on. everytime i go home it will seem more and more like a familiar memory. i didn't feel distant from my parents, perhaps because we've been talking once a week and e-mailing. but i hung out with 2 friends from high school...it just felt odd after awhile. i felt like we live in completely different worlds, which we do...but wow. but that's to be expected i guess. i just want to go back. i needed a change of scenery and i got it. i came back, looked around, and realized it was enough. i want to go home...home, is that what i call college now? i suppose...it is my home

Midterms are wearing me down

Caught in between homework assignments with 2 and half hours before play practice.

This weekend is fall break and yesterday I was toying with the idea of coming home to see my parent's show. I'm not sure about this because of the added travel hassle, not to mention I was liking the idea of hanging out here and getting rest. Plus I'm planning some much needed character development. Mom last night mentions the idea of me being homesick- I'm not, I haven't been at all, actually. Still this morning she sends me flight information. I'm not going home this weekend. I'm not going back to Minnesota until Thanksgiving and even then I'm not going all the way home until Christmas break.

I'm tired...that's the best way to describe me now. My weekends have been robbed because of Ruthless! It's finished and I'm happy, but it was a fun show. It's nice to be a little more known on campus, even though I had a small part. I need sleep and I'm in no mood to reread 2 plays in preparation for my Intro to Theater midterm tomorrow. At least I finished my paper.

Ah, but I should find motivation....crap