France. Wow! That is awesome! You love the culture,
food, and the sites. Even if you wont live
there long term, you should definetly go there
on vacation. Bon voyage!


Where in the world should you live?
brought to you by Quizilla


Greatly amused by the accurate Chinese. Whoever wrote this quiz is at the same level as me.
Disregard that I should live in France...although I probably would.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


As if I didn't know this already. But it is nice to have it confirmed.

I'm not sure what to make of my life. Went to Mock Trial practice this morning. M was there, haven't seen him since end of school last year....I guess it must have been after the variety show, where we raced to Alex to watch a movie that was only sold out. Then back to L's house to watch some cult flick....but I spent a lot of time with M alone in the car or whatever he was driving. So yes, I was happy to see him...but it made me realize something. I separate myself (I already know this) but this time I did it with homework. I'd feel so guilt about making plans because I feel like I'd be unproducive, when in reality I didn't start work until 4....of course I got home at 2, but whatever.

But about the separation thing. Why do I build myself these walls? Even now, I'm finshed with what I wanted to do today....I'm here writing on the computer. Of course only my family is here....and really I'm bidding my time online to see if D come on and maybe something will happen better than last night. But anyway, I do build walls....unknowingly, yet on purpose. I retreat to my work, to my activities....and I guess people know enough about me that they let it happen. I'm overlooked because they're never used to having me there. So I've made them, and after awhile people are used to them....because that's the way I am.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so separated. College will be good in some sense, because when I want to be around people, I can go around searching for them. When I want to be alone, I can go away from crowds....or even just separate myself in a room of people. I do that all the time in school.

I started pondering about getting back into art. For some reason I kept imagining myself doing these wonderful paintings. I haven't painted for the longest time. I haven't taken my annual painting lessons since 10th grade. The most I've done was that style of printmaking last summer...and those were cool-looking. So I'm fantasizing about myself in acryllic painting next quarter. I'm given free reign and my paintings are wonderful and praised.

Anyway, I'm trying to make my blog semi-better or at least more personalized. Work-in-progress...I've made some weird stuff happen.....must fix it.

New turn of events. Strange occurrance, for some reason D decided to strike up a conversation with me just now on msn. Very general and nothing too interesting, but he wants to be friends (or at least not ignore each other). Good sign. I shouldn't get my hopes up or anything. Just someone to talk to is nice. This makes me realize how much I've missed the human contact under 40 thing during vacation. Better call L now that she's home tomorrow and figure out some plans. I've been buried under homework for far too long.

Extremely pissed off because the site I have to do all of my class work is malfunctioning, or perhaps just generally slow because every other procrastinating idiot has my idea. Fuck. So instead of getting much needed work done, I'm venting on a site that is currently working. Christmas vacation is almost half over and I still have to complete 4 and 1/2 lessons, 2 projects, read 2 books, and do my Islam presentation for World Religions (which I haven't even started), memorize mock trial testimony for tuesday, memorize lines for one-act, and memorize both monologues for college auditions. Things I've done so far: completed 3 1/2 lessons, read 2 books, ordered my research material and 4th book from library.

Dammit, I hate school.

It occurs to me that I get upset at any little thing that doesn't matter. I constantly curse at other drivers or whatever when I'm driving.....old people who pull out in front of my and creep slowly. Technology continually seeks ways to make my life miserable. Work piles up, deadlines loom, my laziness triumphs over all. Motivation suddenly exists in my life for a period longer than a few hours...hell, i can manage motivation for a few hours every day of vacation....and then something else goes wrong.

Another weirdness: Mom was talking to me about these things we should do. I'm not sure why I felt so odd about it. I've practically locked myself in the house and have made no attempts to do things with friends. But she wants to see Return of the King with me and go to a concert which are things I was thinking of doing with L or some other friends. I should just go anyway. Its just odd that this bout of junior high attitude towards my mother suddenly hits when I've been rather mature about our relationship for the longest time. Or maybe its just the idea that I have no social life, save my parents. That's probably it....the social activities I've done over vacation: gone to party with Alex theatre crowd (mainly adults) with my parents, family christmas in which i listened to the adults get more intoxicated and make awful comments, church about 3 times this week, spent time at my grandparents house with my parents and visiting uncle from oregon....youngest person in the room. Yeah, the life of the only child. I've hardly spent time with anyone under the age of 40. Ok....

I should make this blog more interesting. I was contemplating this today. I need to make this more than text. Unfortunately, my html skills are lacking so I'm not sure how this is going to work. Something has to take my mind off of the guilt/ anger that I can't work right now.

I'm writing mini-essays about the best book I've read so far in Classic Novels (Time Machine by Wells), and my last essay deals with explaining a quote made by Wells.

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." ~Wells

I absolutely love this- my interpretation with evidence supporting what I know of Wells. So I'm searching my brain for something particularily brillant to write. Ideas flow- with mankind gaining knowledge, he also steps closer to something he can't deal with; damage earth's resources= damage mankind's survival; etc etc.... but it doesn't quite fit with what i know about wells.

background info: major communist promotion book. I've become rather fond of them, having read so many in the summer of 2002 (brave new world by huxley, vonnegut, something else i can't remember) i'm a bit of marxism idealist myself, even though i couldn't possibly live in that society. i rely too much on ambition and rewards. but i've been bias about anti-communist people (mainly my civics teacher who shoved "Red China" [too offensive] and Fidel Castro stories down our throats in 8th and 9th grade. He thinks communism is evil and anyone who is a dictator of a communist nation should be shot and rot in hell [well, probably based on his bias])

established facts: my marxist idealism and hatred of my 9th grade civics teacher's anti commie opinions....moving on to my point before the tangent: in time machine the capitalists and the workers play role- reversal, which greatly amuses me. for some reason i identify the capitalists with the rich/obnoxious/popular preps and the workers with people such as myself....not sure how that came about. I also love the ideas well's brings into my head concerning society and evolution. hmm...mankind can sabatoge their future? yes!

Going back to my initial point (i tend to think in tangents) the quote: so how do i link the communism support to the downfall of mankind through education. Eventually the working class will figure out they support the capitalists of society. They demand recognition/ status/ etc.....and what do the capitalists do? Don't give it to them....strikes result, the economy shuts down....capitalism fails....oooo, that's it...THAT'S IT!

The entire point to the quote. If the workers knew the power they had over the capitalists (education) it will only lead to catastrophe. The novel is that supposition of the realization. It is the quote come to life in fiction form.

Wow, fantastic. Now I can write that essay. what a wonderful way to brainstorm ideas. and be able to save them. brillance.

Why does this happen to me? I've pulled away from myself. Does that make sense, separating from myself? Allowing the superficial and unecessary to control my life...what's that get me? Some kind of coping mechanism? But then I realize this about myself and try to reunite with my inner self...and I can't do it. I try to remember what I know and what I want (not the material things), and I can't. Why, I don't know.

So I've focused on school...and getting my endless work load accomplished. I've spent my time getting commitments finished. Christmas is practically over, life will be the same (as if it ever changed besides holiday music and shopping and concerts). Somewhere along the line I've lost myself. I'm so uncertain about my envolvement in life. The only thing that is clear is my materialistic goals. The goals that one is supposed to have at my age, the ones everyone always asks you about. Everyone wants to know what you're going to do next year. I have a plan....yes. Rather ambitious, actually....good for you. But what about the goals for my soul?

That sounds so cheesy. Goals for my soul? I guess I just seek things to fulfill myself. I should focus more on art and creativity. In the process of preparing for my auditions and speech, learn something about what I'm performing....instead of just impressing college admissions and judges. Yes, I do want to get into my first choice school and go to state in speech and get the lead in the school play and go to state in mock trial and one-act ........but i want other things too. I guess I just don't know what they are. And hopefully I'll learn.

Maybe things will get better. Perhaps this isolation and endless homework isn't good for me. L is home. I saw her yesterday. I hadn't seen her since summer before she left for Norway. We'll do things like we used to and maybe I'll feel better about this. L always made me feel better about myself. I'd always feel as if she made my seemingly meaningless life better for that moment. I guess I need to reconnect with people who know the inner me, or at least have glimpses of it.

Its Christmas and I can't bring myself to do work on a holiday. So I'll put it off until tomorrow, hopefully with minimal guilt.

I'm so weird about things. Christmas seems distant to me.....not distance as in far away by days...but far away by worlds. I'm not sure if that makes any sense....even to me. ButThere are so many aspects that make it seem not real, that these Christmas-like traditions are happening for a different occasion. I've bought presents, I've recieved presents....I've sung endless Christmas music in choirs and whatever....I've heard awful Christmas carol remakes from pop artists (one of my pet peeves, i realize). But all of these things...and it still doesn't feel like Christmas.

The irony is that Christmas probably won't be much anyway. This afternoon is the extended family festivites with food and presents...and then that's it. Christmas Eve will be like any other day, except Mom and I will go to church that night to sing with the choir. Christmas Day we'll go to church and sing our duet, come home and open presents just the three of us....and then life will go on as usual. The tree didn't even go up until yesterday, due to everyone's hectic life. I didn't even help because I was writing my essays for classic novels. It just appeared.

I've hardly played piano. I haven't played my Christmas music more than twice, very unusual for me.

I'm starting to realize how much I want to leave and be at college. Last night I kept hearing about K...and everyone was asking me what I was going to do next year, etc etc. They all wished me well and told me I would get in and they can say they knew me when and all that. But all I need in life is my space. I need a place to retreat and various small comforts that I can get anywhere. I need a room, a piano, music, a computer, books, plays, a theatre....life will be fine. I need people, too...but not so much. Sometimes I wish I lived in a place where I could go out and be among crowds of people, yet be completely anonymous. The price I pay for living in the country. My hometown shuts down at 6, and it doesn't matter because everybody knows everybody.

Life is better at the moment. Two weeks of vacation stretch ahead of me. Maybe if I can manage to relax and sleeping plus get work done, it will make next year much happier.

I'm going to J's going away party tonight. It will be nice to hang out with the Alex theatre crowd, since I won't be doing a show there before I leave for college....and probably will mean I won't be doing a show there for quite a long time, if ever. But I was thinking about this today and realized I might see K. Not outside the rhelm of possibility....I mean, he has to be home on break right now. I would hope he wouldn't stay in NY for Christmas. He'd come, he's known J much longer than I have and I'm sure his family would be there, like mine.

L is coming home Monday. I hope I get to see her besides church....actually, probably not even in church....I just hope I see her. I have no idea what she'd even be doing or how long she's staying. I should e-mail her....I tend to be forgotten when I'm not around. Typical L, mind is always in the present and not thinking of those not around her.....with exceptions (J!, probably W) How I envy her for her spontaneous lifestyle. I wish I could have that. Its funny whenever I'm with L, cool stuff just happens. I think that's just part of the way she is.

More weirdness with me.....I'm starting to flirt with D (different guy, a soph) I think he might have a thing for me, but even if he didn't I wouldn't care. I'm just being a horrible flirt because I can. I kind of do the same thing with P, though not with P (different guy). The odd thing is, I don't want anything to happen....save maybe making out or whatever....its just something fun. In a way I'm being like L, she would tell me how she was like this around her group of theatre guy friends. The irony here is I'm doing this with her sister L's group of theatre guy friends. Hmmm....

But the dumb part about me flirting is we were hanging out in the booth before one-act practice yesterday....D was sitting on the ralling and for some reason I was going to sit next to him....I don't remember what we were talking about. So I hop up to sit on the railing and slipped, but instead of going back over the railing off the ramp behind me (thank god)....I do some odd acrobatic stunt, and end up with my hips on the bottom railing and my hands still hanging on to the top one. K, P and D....are all concerned....I'm sure it must have been funny/cool/scary to see....I'm laughing...thinking, what the hell did I do?.....yeah, yeah, I'm fine....start checking to make sure nothing hurts too bad.... Except today I have this scrape on my left hip, and sore muscle in that same area... Wow, I'm talented....but it was funny. And I kind of wonder how that looked.

I'm so removed from life that I'm buried underneath a combination of panic and not caring (what a strange combination) revolving around homework and various tasks. God, what am I doing? I do nothing but worry about mindless tasks that don't have anything to teach me besides setting standards and meeting deadlines. God I hate deadlines. Ironic, because I was realizing my curriculum load and my time to complete it....anyway, I finally figured out what I should have done...and well, perhaps it would have been better if i had multiple deadlines instead of finish the coursework by the end of the quarter.

fuck....i wish i could sever ties, or somehow be thru all of this without any scars. I have a fear of ending up with a C or worse on my report card, or worse an incomplete. then what the hell do i do? why can't it be summer? i can't even spend christmas break guilt free...i'll end up thinking i should be spending time on my homework. goddammit!

it shouldn't be like this. i'm sick of worring about homework. i'm sick of doing the homework. i'm not learning anything anymore, just bullshitting my way thru the class to get a good enough grade. curses, i've projected a 4.0 all year and i'm deathly afraid of not living up to that. I'm not afraid because of me....i'm afraid because of my parents....because they still have to send my senior year transcripts to college.....

ahhhhh! let me out....let me out now....why can't it be may? why can't i have all of this behind me, nothing in front of my but my future at college (hopefully the one i want)

ok, now that i've gotten that out of my system...... it's amazing how quickly things become habits/ routenes.... today was the 2nd time the same 4 of us hung out in the sound booth and played cds....i guess i can't write about things that went thru my head....i either can't remember or can't describe them....maybe its just because i want to be part of that theatre group and this is a confirmation of my acceptance. p gave me something as we were leaving rehearsal. i think there's something symbolic about it, but i haven't figured it out yet. i don't think the object (a key chain) was the symbol, it was the act.

maybe i over analyze things....maybe that's my entire issue. i should be more spontaneous. life might be happier. well....enough....my head can't produce interesting thoughts

Oh the irony, I complain that I hate writing [papers, homework, etc] and here I am....typing away. Things will be better. Its just that I'd like to accomplish a mindless task once in a while. I thought I could do something easy- print out all the materials needed so I can send my audition application tomorrow. I go to read the documents needed list and I thought I had to submit an essay, which I had written 2 months ago....no its a letter....dammit! An essay is not a letter, I have to re-write this....shit. Plus I still have to finish my paper because I'm hopelessly behind in that class. I have the main stuff written, but now I have to find quotes to support my ideas. This royally sucks since I have to wade through a novel I haven't read in 3 weeks and I really didn't comphrend all of it the first time I read it.

Damned homework....I'm complaining to Mom that all I do is write. Essays, papers, notes, worksheets, etc....Or I'm reading and doing research....god, i hate homework. Gone are the days I can do some easy worksheet where the answers are so obvious you don't have to read the chapter.

Once again its Sunday night and I've been procrastinating all weekend....hmm, this seems awfully familiar....maybe its because I do this every weekend.....now there's a concept. Its times like this that I just might cheat because I don't want to do this bullshit. I've learned what I need to know from this....I just don't want to take the time to organize my thoughts.

God I'm so superficial, I'm complaining about homework. Wow, what a horrible problem. I can put this off....I just shouldn't. Yes, let me complain about homework because that's all I have to focus on. Its not even a serious problem. Its not like I can't turn it in next week or in January. Maybe I'd fare better if I had enforced due dates.

ok, obviously this is stupid.....stupid me....stewing about nothing.....a fucking paper....and some letter that wouldn't be too hard to adapt from my essay.

Maybe I can work now that i've lost my temper....at least I'm not tired anymore.

I've been sleeping for the past two hours. Now that I'm shedding the coils of fatigue, I'm managed to find motivation to write my paper. I've done nothing except find sources and contruct a thesis. But I have motivation...that's all that I need.

Maybe I shouldn't even be doing this. I'll distract myself and spend the next hour doing things that have no value and curse myself later about not doing homework. I have 3 weeks left of 2nd quarter. I'm 1/4 of the way thru my classic novels work.....god, I'm screwed. But I hope to work during vacation (lets see if that's gonna happen).

Ok, must write....must think I'm an intelligent and analytical matter....must put thoughts in an organzied and logical sequence. I have the right setting. I'm listening to mpr...classical music...I'm at the computer, preparing my fingers to type coherant thoughts. Enough of this, I must write.

Once again I've been swept up into life with no time to catch my breath. So today as I laze about the house, all of my fatigue from the week has accumlulated into the weekend. One more week until Christmas vacation. 2 weeks of the nothingness, procrastination, fatigue I always inhabit on the weekends. I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. I have goals for vacation. I have to get work done to make my life easier after Christmas. I need to be at a certain point for my auditions.

School is so strange. I spent so little time in classes this week. Made me wonder. To be able to leave so freely. Teachers don't question it at all. So I guess I've established trust, reputation of someone who won't screw things up. I can say I have to go somewhere and not come back for the rest of the hour, no questions asked. Come late to class, its ok. Good, obviously. But for some reason it made me stop and think. I guess I wonder if I could leave and then what would happen. Or rather, just go somewhere else in the building....as a sanctuary. I wish our high school was set up more like a college. The best places in the building are the unoccupied choir and band rooms, the auditorium, sometimes the media center. I want something like the hfa building in morris. dark basements with overstuffed chair- couch- things.

I've been studing a lot about the duality of man's nature. All of these books, ect in classic novels....Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde.....question the duality of my nature. Does one really know themselves? Can I? Can anyone? On one hand I'm completely removed from everyone....I need space and seculsion. But then I go to one-act practice or mock trial or something....and suddenly I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I realized I'm happiest around the theatre crowd. Odd, considering they're not my "close" group of friends. But maybe they should be. I spend nearly all of one-act laughing hysterically, discussing mock trial, taking pat's shoes, rubbing his brillo head, calling Lindsey a drunk......and then i've got this great part.

Ah life....a burden and a blessing.

Ok here I am again....its Sunday and I have awful work that I don't want to do. I've procrastinated all week, can I procrastinate into next week, too? Probably not.... So instead I'm going to post on here. I have thoughts I need to get out of my head.

I've already buried this in my head and moved on- but repression isn't good. Surprise, surpise, things with D didn't work out. How ironic, it seemed like whenever I had to make a decision about him I'd tell L and she'd call me on it. And things happened exactly the way she predicted. Does this tell me something? "Be the girl" she says. Yeah, I get it now. So no more chasing boys for awhile. I've decided to let fate make the move, however long that might take. Besides, I'm too busy with life in general.

So now I've reverted back to my activites. Odd, I have that whole realization of not having deep relationships with people and caring only about my activities. I get the slightest bit hurt and revert back to my old ways. This thing with D didn't really hurt that much. Or is it that I don't want to focus? I'm very happy my acceptances came the same time this happened. Now I'm focusing on my auditions. Which is how it should be, it is my future.

Ahh, lists....L always tells me to do this for peace of mind and clarity
Things In My Life I Can Control
1. my effort
2. grades (even though I hate school right now)
3. audition prep
4. my mood/ disposition/ outlook
5. my side of friendships
6. surrounding myself with things that make me happy
7. doing things that make me happy

There's gotta be more, but nothing jumps out at me.

I hope this doesn't me I completely shut myself out from people. I keep retreating into superficial things. As if success in these seemingly meaningless activities can justify my self-worth. I worry about stupid things like whether I'll get the lead in the school musical. Its so selfish. "In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?" Quote from somewhere.

I went to the community theatre in Alex on Friday night. I love going there. Its not my hometown theatre, its better...because its like they've adopted me. Everyone I talked to wished me well with my auditions. They knew I would get it with the faith that only honest family possess. Another reason to hate high school theatre. God, Cinderella soured me so much. I'm afraid Wizard of Oz will be just like Cinderella....and I despise that.

Anyway, now that I've ranted and raved....and still homework to be done. I hate world religions. Damned presentations that never end.

Extreme happiness! I am accepted to my first choice college. Of course I still have to auditon, but the point is I get to....yes! So now I'm going to Boston the first weekend of February. Its all falling into place, lucky me I get to audition at 3 schools back to back to back. 3 weekends in 3 different states. And I get to miss some school.

Accepted to all of my choices. Makes me one step closer to next year, hopefully where I want to be. Now I just have to get past the audition part. But that will be the most fun, if not the most stressful.

Ok....slightly more calm now.....just had to share that....oh what a good day.