feeling very stupid and self centered right now

my anger expressed in the blog before i went to school this morning kept building as the day went on....i mellowed a bit in acryllic painting because i was left alone to create with little interuption from teacher or student. i go to choir and that brings my feelings to an at times overwhelming climax...i almost teared for some dumb reason. but the best thing i did, i never told anyone save one person who completely understood.

at the end of choir, poyzer calls me into his office and closes the door...."oh shit, here it comes. why i'm nothing but chorus." instead he tells me i'm the witch....."good" and they're writing me a song because they can't bear to let my vocal talent go to waste...."oh my god, thank you so much"

so now i'm kicking myself for having such a prima donna moment....i have a better part than dorothy....i thought somewhere that the witch would be the perfect part if she sang....and now she does....plus i have less rehearsal time, but equal limelight and a way better character.....the only reason i like the lead is because they're the lead. there usually isn't anything extremely interesting about them. and dorothy is so cheesy.

plus i found out they had the most trouble finding someone good to cast in the character roles....witch, scarecrow, tinman, lion....so i was probably cast before dorothy because i can cackle, maintain and project the witch's voice, and sing extremely well (why i'm given the song). i'm extremely happy....i needed confirmation in this audition to help me understand how i'll do at college auditions. if i can do well in my own high school, i can go in with that much confidence knowing i'm the best out of my school....because if i'm not the best in my own high school, how am i going to get into these competitive theatre programs?

i know i'm being extremely selfish right now.....but i can overlook it....i've been selfish about my goals and the things that are the most important to me.

something that really irked me today. after poyzer told me my role, i left to start my car because its still -20 with a -40 wind chill....the girl who spilled the dorothy news was in the hallway and asked, so i told her.....i also made the mistake of telling her briefly without making myself look too bad my annoyance that morning. i told her it annoyed me because i'm going to school for musical theatre and have all this experience and turned down a part in AAAA. her reply was some people need the experience, implying i'd had my chance...give the beginners their's. of course she's the one who annoyed me the most by getting the part i wanted in cinderella with no theatre experience. but then again, i don't like her at all beneath the civil relationship i should maintain with her. but yeah, cast your ppl with no experience in the lead roles to give them the opportunity.....which also explains why cinderella was the worst musical we'd ever had. i can't even exaggerate that, because we'd only had 3 musicals in that school since it was built. haha....hopefully wizard will be better.

I'm preparing to face another blow to my ego and my self confidence....i predict i'm going to get screwed over yet again by my fucking high school, so i'm trying to cope before it happens. ironic, i was so anxious so see that damn cast list....now i want to avoid it....i'll know today and still probably before the general public, but i don't want to know anymore.

i should have known this was going to happen.....did you really think you would get your glory in school? after all, high school is nothing but a popularity contest...did you think you could win? hell, no. surprise, surprise, got my hopes up for nothing......and of course the director at AAAA kept asking me to audition for Under Milkwood, he had a part for me....did i take him up on it? no....cuz i'm gonna be dorothy in wizard of oz...how wrong i was.

i hate this now....i have a feeling i'm going to end up in the chor....and now i don't want to be in it....i don't want to be promoting it....i want nothing to do with it, and i'm stuck with that fucking class doing nothing but wizard of oz until march 18....stupid me

this is complete bullshit....i was the best goddamn audition in the entire school.....i'll admit my singing wasn't as good as i wanted it, but it was still better than everyone else....i had the best stage presence....my cold read was kick ass awesome.....i've done more theatre in a year than practically everyone who tried out has done in their entire lifetime.....25 + productions, 6 principles.....choir, voice lessons.....complements from every adjudicator at MACT fest on my voice (the only one to hear that)

yet another reason to add to my list of why high school theatre (with the exception of this year's one-act) is a complete waste of my time....obviously they don't want a strong show if they can't cast their best asset in the lead role.....instead it goes to Poyzer's favorite.....a popularity contest....fuck

Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
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deathly, deathly cold....good and bad, i guess.....school was 2 hours late today and will be 2 hours late tomorrow....but we curse- 5 years ago the governor cancelled school all over the state due to temperatures at -20 with a -40 wind chill.....it was that bad yesterday and today and will be that bad tomorrow....dammit, Pawlenty. odd though, besides bundling up more than usual, and getting up eariler to plug in my car and running it for 20 minutes before i left school today, i feel like i can battle the cold......god, i'm such a minnesotan. its not that bad...life can still go on, even though if you're outside for more than 5 minutes you're subject to frostbite.

i freeze and thaw with my body......yesterday was odd....we kicked ass at trial (40 power points!), so mom picks me up from school because i don't have a car due to the tire thing the night before.....we talk about dad, later this brings me to tears i don't want to deal with....i'm feeling extremely selfish, but selfish in a good way.....because i don't want to deal with anyone because that would only complicate things.....i don't want to go home and face dad, i just want to crawl into a corner and cry since i can't go to the gym and out run my frustrations on the treadmil....so i go to work and play on the computer until my voice lesson, which makes things a lot better....

good news: went to the ortho today and i get these god awful braces off on the 26th of feb....which means i have them off for 2 of my 3 auditions....i get them off the day i fly to chicago...it will be really odd, because i started taking voice lessons right before i got them, i have no idea how it will be to sing with out them

and yet again i was sent into my self doubt trip....the cast list for wizard of oz won't be posted until 3;00 tomorrow, even though its already cast....but the choir teacher/ music director is horrible at keeping secrets....so i know i'm not dorothy and i know who is....

of course the person who's playing dorothy i never thought to be competition because in my opinion she's the wrong body type and not an extremely strong actress...this is somewhat disappointing, but it got me thinking- maybe my schedule was too demanding (i filled up the entire space with conflicts), maybe they had plenty of girls to play dorothy and no one could cackle- versus i had a damn good read for the wicked witch....so i hope i get the witch or i'll probably go on an ego trip.

and now to the moment of present.....the title of the blog is now true....i am typing in my stage makeup back from the one-act public performance....it was good, but we need to tighten up enterances for competition, i need to slow down and lower my pitch....and sometimes i'm too intense? is what mom told me. i'm too lazy to take off the makeup at the moment, even though i can feel it seeping into my pores

ok, my life as of now...still somewhat superficial, since i haven't been analyzing a whole lot...mainly to save myself

i am so shaken....i decided it would be better to blog than to try to sleep, even though i've been home only a half and hour since i left for school this morning.

today i auditioned for wizard of oz......after one-act rehearsal (which lasted until almost 6) i had to go to work and eat dinner and come back at 7 because of taking measurements for musical production......on my way to work i realized my fatigue and how the last 2 days have felt like and entire week. so i decide to eat and come back at 7, but while i'm eating mom calls to tell me she can be there to take measurements (she's the costumer). Previously, I had been eyeing my front tire because it looked low. So I eat, work, primp, reslove to do vocal warm ups in the car and proclaim my tire good enough to get to school and home.

Singing in the car, humming along with ppl's audition songs.....i get up and do ok....i sound good, projection, tone....but various things are slightly weaker than i would have liked....but i moved (no one moved beyond having an interesting look on their face)....the music director tells me that's the best i've done it from practice during accapella....ok.....i read Dorothy, Gloria...then the wicked witch (best part).....i'm still anxious from the singing whatever (i drank half a bottle of water in 5 minutes....nerves) then comes the dance audition, i'm ok...taken dance a little....typically a quick study....for some reason this didn't come as easily to me as i'd hoped....i froze....made it through, did better on the free style ballet thing.....ahh.

mom and i leave at the same time...i need gas, she looks at my tire, tries to take the tire pressure....now it's flat.....oh shit....left it in town....went home.....dad's pissed...."i told you how long ago you needed new tires....i can't keep track of your schedule. " actually said bitch, not a common occurance.....me cowering in fear....i have trial tomorrow and a voice lesson and dance and i wanted to go to the gym....ahhh

so then mom and i are talking and i'm still scared of dad's wrath....i'm saying "what's he think of me next year? what if this happens to her next year, what is she going to do? she's not having a car....so i better get into boston." previously had been discussing the auditions with mom (classic stage mother) and i'd been trying to maintain an unsure attitude so as to not get my hopes up and not be a prima donna.....i sound very not confident.....mom tells me i better be sure of being the best at school, cuz what am i going to do at auditions against kids with the same abilities or better?

totally freaks me out....sends me spiraling back into self doubt....i'm trying to explain why i was behaving this way and projecting confidence to her.....but in reality, what if she's right....i think ppl in school could beat me out for Dorothy or whatever, but i think its based on body type and physical, etc....i think i blew everyone away (put some jr high kids in awe...good)

but i'm so afraid, so afraid....and the tire and dad thing only make it worse.....fear...fear....i want to cry because everything is too overwhelming right now....i've had little sleep, i've hardly been home....i've hardly had any down time by myself for the last 2 days.....i feel like i'm running my health into the ground....too much, too much.....

but they're laughing downstairs...my parents....dad isn't stewing....mom isn't annoyed.....maybe it will be ok? this fear will subside and i'll work harder....i don't have any homework right now....i get a guilt-free day at trial tomorrow complete with breakfast with the team...

i feel slightly better....maybe now i can sleep.

things that motivate me (good and bad)

1. standards, mine and those set by other influential people
2. my own ambitions and goals
3. fear created by not attaining them
4. failure
5. self doubt and trying not to let it conquer me
6. a weight that will be lifted from my being
7. success
8. complements (i am an egotistical person)
9. pride
10. i hate to say it, but people's opinions

can't explain this mood

been alone all afternoon....downloading songs, listening to semi-depressing music, creating notebook covers- trying to make it a reflection of the me that is real....searching for meaningful poetry to copy on to them.....i know not what i feel, perhaps something between lonliness and depression....but this is what i wanted, so i brood...create and brood. this creativity makes me happy, finally a way to express myself that isn't in words, but in pictures.....my life is too envolved with words........

can't think, can't exist.....can't function.....i'm living from moment to moment.....debated about calling J (a friend, not the ex) and hanging out before we go to L's house at 7.......pushed the thought aside....because for some reason i want to keep this feeling of mystery, sadness.....

should get off the computer....tied up the phone line since 1.........parents will be home soon....people to deal with...sigh

fears keep surrounding me....suddenly i'm panicing about almost missing financial aid deadlines, still worring about college auditions....i'm seeing all of these things i have to do and freezing in fear instead of taking a deep breath and dealing with it. is this what i get for relaxing, for thinking i can coast just a little bit and not drive my physical health into the ground?

i have time for this....4 weeks until my 1st audition...time to prepare and work....1 week until one-act competition. i know my lines and blocking, its just a matter of finalizing...mock trial is currently up in the air...but that has to be 2 weeks away. speech is in a week and the 1st meet doesn't count for anything, but i have it in my head that its a measure of how well i could do in a new category......surprisingly, i'm not worried about wizard of oz auditions-i've either become confident in my abilities or accepted getting something other than Dorothy or the Witch....mom's taking care of the financial aid deadline

but my head is swimming with all these deadlines and wanting to do well and wondering if i can....i can, its somewhere in me....but whether or not i can find it and use it....part of my theory as an actor is to let things happen once i get to a certain point....but i'm thinking i should disregard that theory. i should search for clues in the material to tell me how to behave, how the character feels about the things they're saying....maybe a physical gesture, expression, stance to make it real

maybe i should search my own life to better relate to characters.....going back to Laughing Wild, my speech and college audition monologue.....the character isn't me, but there are so many elements of me in it. hell, i could be in the same position if i had been in similar circumstances. i could be a manic depressive, in and out of mental institutions. i hate people in general sometimes....maybe i could hate a stranger enough to hit them on the head in the supermarket cuz they were blocking my path to the tuna. i'm searching for a soul mate, but always realizing people could not be that....there's a place where she's talking to a random street musician and if he understands her wit, they're soulmates......and he doesn't, so she moves on (me and D?) being completely random about things to do.....go to the metropolitan museum of art vs the movies.....i'm like that.....

but right now, i just want to crawl into a hole somewhere....which i can do at the moment....my parents are leaving....i'm probably not leaving until later this evening....i want to pretend everything will be all right...my fears will just melt away and i can be comforted.....but they won't go away, the only way they will is through work- which i am willing to do, its just it overwhelms me at the moment.

suddenly i'm plagued by failure....but the only difference is this time i care deeply....if failure captures me, it will destroy the very things i've spent the last 2 years of my life and beyond working toward. i can't let this happen. i won't let this happen. but what if it does? what then? i can't even measure whether or not i've achieve what i've set out to achieve....yeah, they may or may not accept me....but how will i know? how will i know if i have done my best? what is my best? will i truly be in character at these auditions?

i need to stop obessing....

i experienced the moment of age and reality of leaving....my last block class overlaps with the junior high choir, and i've been the accompianist for the past 2 days....talk about age span. i observe the way these kids act and realize how far beyond them i am because i'm 4-5 years older. its odd how age hits you (and i'm still so young) when surrounded by immaturity. but i suppose that happens to you when on the verge of leaving. i'm allowed to use the profanity in my speech because i'm a senior, as opposed to a sevie.

on top of that, my college audition travel plans are almost finalized. its all coming so quickly and i'm excited and terrified at the same time. i have so much riding on these auditions....i feel like i need more time and even though i have 2 weeks or more, i won't be able to work as much as i need to. i know i shouldn't make these such a big deal...i'm acting like if i don't get into any of these schools that i should give up my ambition of being an actor, which shouldn't be the case. but i wonder who i'm competing against for these spots and what their level is....i'm probably going against kids who are the same level or better- who would be doing this if they were at a lower level.....can i cut it? am i good enough? these thoughts were always in the back of my mind, but with my auditions looming ahead of me- i might start to panic. yeah, its one thing to try to get the lead in the high school play competing against near amitures. but its a completely different thing to be going against people who are mostly likely more talented than i. so i console myself with, if k can get in (currently at school in NY) then so can I.....but can I? suddenly i'm not so sure.

self doubt plagues me....it will all turn out like its supposed to....but i'm afraid of the consequences.

i realized why i like driving (at least around home where traffic is nonexistent) something to do with going somewhere and doing something, but losing myself at the same time....i hear nothing but the radio, see nothing but the blur of lights and reflectors....it all blends together and i get some sort of contentment from it....i don't have to talk, i don't have to justify...i just exist.

stupid person just im-ed me....i don't want to talk to anyone

is analysis bad? over analysis? sometimes i think it is....but then again, my analysis (pertaining to self, but could be anything) tends to lessen ignorance. but sometimes it seems better to live in ignorance. to think that i'm happy, only to find that i'm really not....instances like that where ignorance would be better to be kept. so i question ignorance...ignorance means surrounding yourself in a false aura of happiness and contentment....the knowledge slowly disintegrates that aura, leaving the bleak reality....and yes, you know more...but did you really want to- knowing what your life was like before and after the fact?

it seems like a constant battle- ignorance....i hate ignorance, in myself, in other people....so i try to rid myself of not knowing....but i dig too deeply, push too far...only to realize, i didn't want it....which only leaves me with a new set of problems...what to do about the conclusions my ignorance has revealed

its so strange, my fears are the most odd things....and the things i don't fear should be scary...i'm not afraid of jumping into a completely different situation, in fact that 's what i want right now.....no, instead i'm afraid of change within my environment.....its like i only welcome change if everything is changed. to change an element in school beyond the institution is too much for me....i've had the same friends since forever...and i'm tired of them....but do i do anything? no
instead i retreat within myself, depress myself, and gripe within blogs and journals change is too scary, i can't take that leap.

need sleep....must type speech....must stop

Odd how so many things happen to me in a single day....i catalogue them, thinking i should write about them later- then i get home and try to remember those things....memory

spent the day at trial...and we went 2nd, so our team ate breakfast first. trial was so bizarre. i'd been trying to make my character cry (she is a burn victim- life ruined, etc etc) and i have to do it so its real, or else its cheesy and out of place. i'm the first witness in the entire trial....needless to say, my crying was not as good as i'd hoped....i had the convulsions and speech right, but no genuine tears plus our judges (especially the presiding judge) were complete assholes and their comments had practically no merit. but we still beat the other team by 25 points (ouch, they're not gonna make it past regions) meanwhile, i'm inspired to work on my character and develop that need for tears. my problem was i forced it....i can't do that.

go to one-act practice after trial....i had brought my cds with me for the bus....so i played my new Smile Empty Soul cd in the sound booth and hung out with LK... side note: throughout my analysis of self i've thought of people i could potentially open up to, LK is one of them.....so i take advantage of the opportunity and propose questions to her that have been floating around in my head....about friends and identity and spilling your soul. what i learned: being a private person isn't that bad....yeah, you don't really want to burden people with your problems. and at the same time, you may not have anything in common with your friends....but you do have this bond that goes beneath that. you can come to them in any mood and don't have to tell them why and they will be there for you. exactly the same relationship that i have with my friends. i don't have anything in common with them besides that bond and past. i know i can come to them and get that same support. so why do i keep searching for something and being depressed about not having it, when it reality what i do have shouldn't be overlooked?

something else i realized: she recently split from her bf of 1 1/2 years and told me that being away from him makes her realize what she had....but she doesn't want/need it because of those memories.....made me question why i pursue guys.....i think i'm searching for love and affection, i'm terrified of finding it....but i still want it.

odd weirdness: C was flirting with me again....somewhat confused/ content with this....he goes after quite a few girls, and i just happen to be the object of his affection at one-act.....its been awhile since i had flirting like that....basically a little more than what i had with D at Bus Stop....but i decided to let him make the move....and if anything happened at all, that i would leave it with a fling, make out session, whatever.....because for some reason i crave the physical....and i haven't had it....since J....it just stands out because i'm not the type to be in that position....

I've alluded exhaustion for almost 5 days. For some reason, this past week brought back habits I haven't had since 2nd year slh.....late night work, early rising....endless work all day....must finish, must do well....only one week, it will all be over soon.

my massive 7+ final paper is finished....i've taken my world religions final and got a good grade, i finished my poster and tc wants to keep it...i did my assignment for tuesday in a class i haven't even started because i'll be in trial all day.

life is good, my guilt and obligations are freed.....and fatigue finally envelopes me.

in the midst of my work, i haven't been writing as frequently, despite being on the computer for 4 or more hours every night this week.

My paper involved historical research pertaining to the Industrial Revolution in the last 20 year of the nineteenth century. my mom, the history major, was a good discussion about general ideas. i like discussing subjects with people much better than reading it in a textbook. i get interesting conversation with helpful info. so i decide to inquire to my favorite social studies teacher, tc....i spend the last 20 minutes of his prep discussing industry, socialism, and various ways of living and understanding life in a capitalist society. we ended up on a very interesting point- the denial behind capitalism, by this i mean the labor in third world conditions with workers hardly being paid, etc. so many people know about these things due to the media and what not, but still choose to not question how a product they bought in a store go there. denial is so much easier because we don't want to make life any more guilty for ourselves.

i'm going to branch off of that- denial - how much does that influence our lives? denial and ignorance....the not knowing and not wanting to know just because we don't want to make life any more complicated. we don't want to make ourselves feel guilty about the things we have, because damnit, we worked hard to get them.

My parents are beckoning for me to join them in the hot tub....i've been so stiff from awkward working positions....this is basically the gist of what i was pondering.

Well, its been 2 days and I've finished today's academic homework early. The only other thing I wanted to finish tonight is my Islam poster, which is fun (god, I'm a geek- but it's not a paper!). Dance was awesome as usual. I love the fact that I feel somewhat stretched within 5 minutes. My form is getting better- atleast now I can turn out....and i feel so much stronger, more stable.

wasn't i pondering something worthy of posting here? can't seem to recall, so here are some general musings:

academia is over in 2 days! my 7 page paper is manageable, i'm going to write it all day tomorrow, i've been researching for the last 2 days. World Religions and Mock Trial finals are tomorrow. World Religions is going to suck, because its mostly memorization since i didn't pay attention during the presentations. But anyway, i'm so excited- no papers for a whole quarter!

oh...researching socialism/marxism/early communisum/ etc for part of my paper....inspired me to read the Communist Manifesto by Marx. I've always had a strange respect for marxism in its ideals (have i talked about this before?) i'm suddenly greatly interested in Marx's opinions concerning what will happen after capitalism fails and the middle/upper classes are abolished. what will the proletariats do? plus for some reason i seem to feel very cool or intelligent when i read impressive-looking books in public...

started to really work on character development for my audition monologues. i'm feeling like i'm really going somewhere and learning a lot....maybe getting into my top choice is attainable. i always hoped so, but now i'm starting to be sure....i just hope i don't jinx it. anyway, i love diving into a character's persona and finding out what makes them react and say things the way they do. i like examining their relationships and learning their life or making it up in the best way to suit them. my favorite monologue is about this manic depressive woman just spouting off about life....i really need to figure out what makes her say such odd things- i mean how many ppl physically beat a total stranger because they were standing in front of the tuna fish, blocking your way so you couldn't reach?

enough now, life is better- which is evident by my boring entry...i only seem to write well (or about less trivial things) when i'm stressed/ depressed/ whatever, but not happy/content

this seems to be a habit of mine....
killing time before i need to work, the only difference is this isn't a paper- but a wksh (manageable- I will finish it tonight)
surprisingly, i have a fun assignment in Mock Trial (bio for the witness I'm playing and the ability to do a character development exercise for a final) the attorneys have to deliver an opening/closing- sucks to be them....i also have to do a bulletin board sort of thing for world relgions- finally something that isn't a paper....1 more paper to write in the worst class i've ever taken...and its 30 % of my grade, but i have until friday to finish it (or that's my deadline because i don't want homework this weekend)

god, my life is so boring if i just write about school- must find something more interesting....ummm, not possible at the moment...besides, i should work.

for some reason i want to record my thoughts at this unusually late hour...

...i've been working on my islam presentation since i returned home at 9....3 hours later, i decide to stop and finish the 2nd insignifcant half tomorrow first block or whatever...

for some reason i seem to feed off of this beyond fatigue mood....my eyelids are heavy and i'm tired, but i have the urge to keep going... possibly i will continue late-night homework throughout the week in order to finish everything- i can crash on the weekend, and possibly skip a day in the middle of the week to catch up.

maybe this wasn't such a good idea, my thoughts aren't particularily interesting- actually, they haven't been particularily interesting in awhile....is it because my life is filled with insignifcant things- the focus of my life is my tasks and activities...i always write about my homework load and how i'm going to manage it (and my procrastination) where is the fun?

inpromptue poem-thing

fatigue closes in,
surrounding my very being
somehow i resist
my brain moves with ease

sleep beckons
i know i will have to give in
yet insomnia plagues me
willing me to stay awake

but if i give in to sleep,
will i wake up tomorrow?
yes, but i will repeat the cycle
only to be in this same position tomorrow
faced again with insomnia

so here i am.....

i finished both of my papers....

trying to work on my islam presentation....and getting sidetracked

will have to leave in 45 minutes....

won't be back until 9 or so...

do i work then?

more importantly, will i be able to?

procrastination is possible, but do i risk it?



had a close mental breakdown this afternoon while trying to summon the want/ intellect to write my paper.....for some reason it made me really emotional. i am tired of all this shit....started speculating about the what if- what if i didn't do this paper? what if i didn't finish the class? of course i make the mistake of doing this in front of mom, who's tired of my griping and i start swearing a little more than she'd like to hear....

i am trying my damndest to finish all this shit so i can put it behind me next week....its bearable if i keep thinking next week it will all be over.

in the meantime, its still this week and my brain is easily distracted...especially when it wants to be easily distracted...

....is it ever possible to outwit your obligations?....

listening to a tape my friend from Germany sent me for Christmas....she left a message after the end of the music

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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This should maybe be an obvious clue to what has already been pointed out to me....by D (new years), my last relationship w/ J....and I have figured this out on my own, yet been too afraid to change it. So in my search to find more meaningful relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, is it all in vain? I know one shouldn't let their live be ruled by meaningless things like quizzes....but there must be some degree of truth in it. I'll admit this is depressing, but I'm still awed by the accurate nature of it. That's why I posted the results. Can one change situations like this? I suppose that as difficult a question such as, "Can one change themselves?" Or is the change merely the will and motivation to change. And even if one possesses those things, will the change happen? Or do we resign ourselves to our current lifestyle and try to find contentment in it? Or are we submitting to something beyond our control? Too many questions, yet no time to ponder the answers. That is what makes me most unhappy. Yet, at the same time it is this that saves me from my melancholy dwellings. Maybe what I felt last summer was love, even though it seemed so bizzarre. Maybe it was love, and that's why the pain took forever to go away....and maybe it's still there. I wonder what it would be like if I saw J again....and I might at a speech meet or two. What will that be like?

feeling guilty....its been a week and even though I've been in school, i've accomplished nothing completely in my classes. So this weekend I have to edit a paper, write a paper completely from scratch, finish my novel (which i'm half-way thru) and complete the wksh. not to mention my world religions final presentation and find time to work on the bulletin board thing....and i want to finish my class before the end of the week, because i'll be damned if i'm going to work beyond 2nd quarter. ahhh, i hate school!

on the upside, all of my extracurriculars and starting/ getting close to performance. i'm very excited about speech because i have a kick ass piece. Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang....hilarious and crazy play. I'm slighly unsure about changing from Drama to Humorous, since i've only been in drama since 8th grade. But drama was getting so boring with the same ppl and the same pieces. At least with humorous i'll hear new things by different ppl....P (who's been in humorous for awhile and went to state last year) is slightly intimidated- of course he has nothing to worry about, but its nice to be slightly feared in that regard

another slightly bizarre (but good) circumstance: i've been talking more to D (different guy, a soph from school)....he always asks me about mock trial, because he's a first year attorney and is extremely motivated to do well. yesterday we were discussing the quality of the witnesses on second team. i feel bad for him to be on a different level than his team. D is good enough to be on varsity with the seniors and P (same guy from humorous)- but there just aren't enough slots. I mean, D's coming up with these legal angles for strategy that hasn't crossed anyone's mind. My team is taking them and playing with it....just emphasizes the fact that he should be with us. And yesterday is study hall we were talking about speech and a particularily horrible teacher/coach who shouldn't be a teacher....i've talked to D about the benefits of a Marxist society and corruption between marxism and communism

but he somewhat reminds me of my very good friend from slh, bsm (2nd year, 2002). probably because he's 2 years younger and our relationship is similar. sometimes i get the impression that D is interested in me, because we've been spending a lot of time together lately in one-act and mock trial, etc. i can't deny i've thought about him in the same way, but i don't know what i'd want out of it...and stupid me this is probably because he is 2 years younger and we go to the same hs. and i've always been against dating someone from hs....plus dating a soph would be weird....i should get over this and probably put the romantic attachment out of my head. Besides, i've been thinking i should have more guy friends, and D's a good friend.

but anyway...should start working....damn...damn.

ok...accomplished about half of what i intended....oddly enough, i feel liberated. I do have the entire first block tomorrow to devote to whatever I wish. utilizing class time? apparently that never occured to me before. So tomorrow I have the option of writing a paper or reading a book...hmmm.

thoughts in my head that i should have written down days ago: i decided somewhere in that convo with D that I don't particularily like him. the strange thing is, the dislike is nothing against him personally....i held him up to a standard that he can't meet. and when i realized that...amongst everything else i realized during that conversation....i had mixed emotions. i wanted him to be my bf....eventually....funny, me the one afraid of commitment wanted him as a bf. so i went the logical way, a date, a fling, something....couldn't get it...even though i thought i could (and how i hate him for leading me on like that- although to have made in awkward towards the end of the run would have been bad) so later when he talks to me as if i'm an old friend, i think ok....maybe it wasn't meant to happen then, maybe it can happen later.....(i must be tainted with images of prom and not being able to find a date, this shouldn't trouble me...but it does) so i'm still trying to impress him...in my own foolish way...and indirectly i'm trying to get him to take me wherever he's going that night....but after that and telling him i shouldn't impress him.....somehow we get on the subject of relationships....i talk about my bad ass ex...and how i just want a fling right now (hint, hint towards him) then later i ask him about finding a deeper connection with ppl, how i've hardly found it and those i've found it with are far away.....he can't really fathom an idea like that and separating it into a friendship relationship as opposed to bf/gf...

i realize he can't understand....and as much as i want him to, he isn't....and i hate myself for telling him things i shouldn't have to make him understand...i revealed too much to the wrong person

The last day of a good and bad vacation.....good because i could sleep, because i could somewhat choose to do things whenever I wanted to do them. bad because i did nothing but work. bad because I could have had so much more fun, but was afraid to. even so, the thought of waking up at 7 to trudge off to school displeases me. yet, starting school in january is a symbol of how quickly life will move between now and mid-april....life will spin by me, so fast i don't even realize what i missed. only to have life come to a dead stand still in may....my senioritis, which was dormant, will only flare up in the worst case i've had.

how i would have loved to devote my last day of no commitments to lazing about the afternoon and seeing L before she leaves for Norway. instead i feel obligated to write a paper, because it will make my life easier later. and yet again, my brain won't comply. so instead i write my complaints to my blog, and still hope that by writing even this will motivate/ inspire me to form coherant and analytical thoughts worthy of this paper.

i'm so scared. i'm so scared i don't even realize it. what happened to life? i'm scared not to finish something....i'm scared to finish it below my standards. i hate standards...they are a blessing and a curse. but why do we bring this shit upon ourselves because we feel obligated to do it? sometimes i wish i had the courage to not do something, to fail an assignment, a class....because i'm tired of this meaningless bullshit. but i couldn't, i know that....i'm too afraid

i'm scared to get out...d is right, and i hate him for it....that damned conversation on new years before i left....i hate everything about what he said....i hate him because he's right...i do want to be different....to get out more....do something besides work and lazing about at home....but making that first move, why is that something i don't want to face. i fill myself with excuses and resign myself to a quiet evening.

sometimes i'm tired of my inexperiences....sometimes i want to throw all of my ignorance away, just to take away that not knowing...we're told about the bad things that will happen to you in hs....things that never happened to me, because my friends are sensible, they don't party....there is something that i could have done, that i probably would have done....but i am glad i didn't, and yet sometimes i wish i had

but now i must search for motivation...and endless search, because as soon as i find it and finish something, i must begin the search again.

So as my work ethic is wanning I'm looking to see how much I have to complete by the end of the quarter in 2 weeks. Half of lesson 13 (2 essays, one with MLA citations, crap) project 3, and project 2....still need 1 source to come for that one....plus i hate papers. read novel of my choice from the list and complete lesson 14. final project- big massive final paper that i decided to devote all of the last week of the quarter to complete.

so if i organize this correctly.....finish lesson 13 today (shit, no work ethic) project 3 tomorrow...pick and read my novel monday (school, dammit) plus send all of the assignments i did over break, wksh tuesday- maybe wed, project 2 finished by next monday. leaving me the last week to devote to big ass final paper.

extremely happy this meaningless bullshit is almost over. of course that still means i have to write today and all day tomorrow, which royally bites....ah well....

At the moment I'm caught between my lack of motivation (I'm not going to going to work today because my brain isn't functioning.) and not knowing what to do. Today was good....memories of past happiness.

Hung out with the old theatre crowd at L's. Its funny how doing ordinary, seemingly mundane things turns out to be so spontaneous and hilarious. I mean all we did was pile in P's van and go to Elbow to drop of L's dad and get a movie. We bring the movie back to L's house, watch it (while making Mystery Science Theatre-like comments) and have a pillow fight before watching Family Guy. But I guess it was the spontaneous nature of the whole thing....I mean we debate about the movie selection for 10 minutes, making me think we won't even get one.....we take pillows from j, he builds a fort with them....we fight with the laser pointer and what not.....Everything is filled with bs that's amusing and not fake....life is good because of the laid back, lazy nature of it.....I've missed the laziness.

So I come home and watch tv to try to keep that feeling....i've lost the ability to be spontaneous without the theatre crowd, but damnit I can be lazy (especially if I've done nothing but work the entire break) now....I don't know what I'm doing....I'm trying to rekindle what I've missed, unsure if I'll be able to find it. I didn't want to leave when I did....I told my parents I'd be home before dinner and it was practically 6:30. I'm home like a good daughter, but what's my expense? I won't see these ppl (with the exception of P) for the longest time....L said she won't be back from Norway until June.

Read The Awakening by Kate Chopin....I identify with the protagonist, Edna. She's unhappy with her life and is constantly faced with contradicting ideals of what ppl think she should be. I don't think I'm faced with contradicting ideals by ppl. I just feel the weight of the obligations placed upon me. My goals have become meaningless...the only thing that makes me carry it out is living out the expectations of past experiences. School makes me extremely unhappy. I hate having to be doing all of this work. I know I brought it on myself, but that doesn't change anything. I know I have to get through this to graduate and still keep up my grades for college, even though I'm accepted on that end.

Things I realized today....I'm 18 in exactly 6 months. I graduate 5 days before that. M told me I'm so young because he's almost 21. Yeah, I know....but not that young compared to where I was.... there is light at the end. I mean, I remember that one night July 2001.....we were sitting on the dock of Barrett lake after wandering around the town. He was about to go to college that fall. I was going to be a sophomore in high school. That was pre-slh....wow, so long ago... Here I am 2 1/2 years later...and i'm "young".

I'm re-examining my goals: Why do I want to be an actress? I'm starting to realize its because I want to escape from my life. That perhaps diving deep and becoming someone else will teach me something about my life. I'll be forced to re-examine my own and want to change it. Or maybe I'll just forget about it for awhile, and be happy in my land of make believe and applause.

These e-mail survey/questionaires are another addiction of mine. I like to fill them out for lack of anything better to do and sometimes for my thought provoking insight. At the moment I'm trying to write essays and have completed 2 of the 4. I'm going to waste time and attempt to want to write again.

First Name: Emily

Were you named after anyone?: Possibly some soap-opera character from the mid-80s

Do you wish on stars?: I've been known to wish on them in a moment of fantasy, but I don't believe the wishes will come true.

Which finger is your favorite?: My index finger because it is the most useful.

When did you last cry?: I was rereading my journal and remembered it was November 30. Strange epiphany moment because I cried while I was in the shower and washed away my troubles, clothed myself, and was ready to face the world.

Do you like your handwriting?: Very much. My handwriting has character, it is usually somewhat messy and cursive-like. Felt tip pens make it look cooler.

What is your favorite lunch meat?: Like on a sandwich? Turkey.

Any bad habits?: Hiding behind my walls, spilling personal info to ppl I don't know that well in attempt to find a deeper connection.

What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf?: My incriminating CD's from elementary are in the attic or whatever. But way back when I was a fan of Hanson and Spice Girls.

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: Probably. I think I'm rather amusing at times. If anything I would be friends with me because of discussions on life.

Are you a daredevil?: In a sense. I'm the type that is a daredevil when it comes to things like rollarcoasters and things like that. In matters of my personal life, not so much.

Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: Umm, can't recall.

Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: Yes...one occassion condone vs condemn

Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: No its like the grass being greener on the other side. Society thinks someones life is better than their own, when in reality there is something worse we couldn't fathom before.

Do fish have feelings?: Fish probably feel pain and possibly their natural urges....not sure about feelings like happiness and anger. Probably not.

Are you trendy?: I prefer to call it eclectic bohemianism. That seems to suit my style of dress better.

How do you release anger?: I vent to ppl, mainly mom....I write often. In matters of boys I complain to friends who would understand.

Where are your second homes?: The theatres I constantly inhabit....AAAA, PWP, and the school auditiorium

What was your favorite toy as a child?: Barbies

What subject are u useless at?: Math...the more simple it is, the more likely I am to screw it up. I make way too many errors to screw up a problem. I can do math by process but never by getting the correct answer.

Have you ever been on radio or television?: Both rather recently. The local telethon for band and choir. The radio for choir. I was in commercials for the Fantasticks.

Do you have a journal?: Yes...i consider my blog a journal, not to mention my old fashioned one I've kept since the end of 9th grade.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?: Hell, yes.

Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: No, try to avoid those most of the time.

What do you look for in a guy/girl?: something to attract me (physically- i'll admit it), a cool personality, added bonus if they're an artist/actor/musician, the usual kindness, intelligence...also i search for that deeper connection that seems impossible to find.

What are your nicknames?: Em, Twerp, Rainbow, Mei li, Ou Mei Li, etc

Would you bunjee?: Yes

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: No, which only makes it longer to put them back on if I can't slip them on.

What are you worried about right now?: Making my life more stressful than it needs to be...aka not finishing my homework that i've been slacking...also larger things like my future for next year

Do you ever wear overalls?: I have overalls I use for set painting (ahh, memories of D-the really hot set designer), otherwise no.

Do you think that you are strong?: Physically, somewhat...I lift weights.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip

What’s your favorite color(s)?:Black....also red

What is your least fav. thing in the world?: Fake people

How many wisdom teeth do you have?: 2 I'm missing the bottom ones because of genetics

Are you in love w/ anyone?: no, the concept of love scares me because i thought i found it and didn't....what is the difference between love and infatuation?

Who do you miss right now?: Mainly S and L....they are the two who are closest to my soul, unfortunatly they are the farthest away.

Oh shit, this means I have to work now....damn.

The last 24 hours have been somewhat life changing. I'm not sure how to explain it so I'll just tell the story.

My parents left to go to a concert at 5 and I have the house to myself. I still have homework I need to finish. So I go online to do the wksh and D happens to be on. I'm hoping to have a repeat of the last conversation, so I say hi. We end up talking about plans....and my lack thereof. I wasn't bothered by this. L had some commitment and I'm going to hang out with her and M on Friday....so New Years just didn't have any significance. Somewhere along the lines D makes me feel like a complete loser with no social life (some of which is partially true and I've been avoiding this issue for some time) just because I'm not going to go out and party on New Years.

I decide I really don't like D, even though I'm been trying to impress him and win his affection ever since I met him in Bus Stop. Once again, get him out of your head in that way. If you want to be friends, fine...but no more. I keep trying to find something better in him and I don't think it exists. But anyway, I'm getting frustrated with what he's told me...so I tell him he's not worth it to impress. Somehow this progresses to I should be have a bad ass friend or whatever. I tell him my ex was bad ass and is probably at a party getting laid. This branches off into relationships and we're discussing virginity and what we want out of a relationship, etc. I feel very one-sided in the conversation, like he's tired of listening to me. It occurs to me that I'm stupid for doing this. D is not the type of person to be pouring aspects of my soul to. No more.

But what ended up happening is he convinced me to find plans. I call M...he's going to some adult party, probably with his parents. I go back online to finish the homework I was supposed to start before talking to D. B comes online and says something about a party at A's and the one-act cast is invited. I call N who might be going....she confirms what I've heard and says I should call A....I do and basically confirm that its ok to invite myself to his party.

Ok...once again the loser with no social life label hits me in the face. But the neo theatre group will be there....its not like I have nothing in common with these ppl. I have been thinking about crossing over to their group. So I go....and had a good time. In retrospect, if I told the goings of the party to anyone else, it would be lame....but still fun. Yeah, we played video games all night and shot off fireworks while freezing our asses. I got home at 1:30 after A's parents kicked us out.

Somewhere in the convo with D he kept telling me the importance of a fresh start and despite my arguements, the time for the start is January. So in honor of self betterment and what not, my New Year's resolutions.

1. I will have a social life outside of school and extracurriculars.
2. I will get closer to my friends in school and try to do more with them.
3. I will try to make new friends in my current environment...maybe the neo theatre group, maybe ppl in speech.
4. I will stop trying to impress people that I shouldn't impress.
5. I will stop pouring out my soul to semi-strangers while trying to find a soulmate.
6. I will find a better confidant so I'm not tempted to do that.
7. I will keep my good habits (exercise, nutrition, sleep).
8. I will focus on my goals for next year (no slacking on audition prep).
9. I will try to enjoy what's left of my senior year, as hard as that may be sometimes.
10. I will try to encorporate more aspects of creativity and find time to draw/paint/sing.

Ambitious list....but all within reason.