I feel my control slipping away. I feel my ability to make everything work failing. Too many things and not enough time....not enough energy...not enough intellect. It's there, buried inside me but the resource has been tapped so often and not given time to renew...but there's no time. I wish I didn't have to sleep, then maybe life will work out as it's meant to. I feel overwhelmed. Things will work, I only have to get through this week and half of next week intact. That's not too long. I'm still on track for not falling behind. But still...I feel like I'm slowly killing myself like this.

For some reason I've found myself obsessing about food. I take comfort in planning everything out.....I greatly fear the freshman ton and maybe that's catching up with me. I feel horribly guilty that I haven't been able to go to the gym. Why do I feel like I have the beginnings of an eating disorder? But I don't, I'm just eating healthily. I think.

I feel myself slipping...like it won't be long before I break down if I keep going as I have. I need to sleep for a straight 24 hours. I missed my weekend and I greatly needed it. But I need to be at dress rehearsal in 20 minutes.

Power Tools and Alcohol

Sunday evening....winding down after seemingly not having a weekend, but I know that isn't the case. In reality I think this only because I've a had a few measly hours to myself, as opposed to the luxury of emerging from my room at dinnertime. I've spent most of my days this weekend at the theatre, yesterday working (yay for powertools) and today at dry tech.

Last night was fun but tiring. The Homecoming dance- and the main reason to tell whether or not you're in high school or college is the alcohol. Everyone comes to the dance either drunk or tipsy. Apparently they're more fun if you've had a drink. I almost took the plunge since it had been a long week. But I had this nagging voice in my head reminding me about all the work I had to do Sunday to make the rest of my week better. I didn't need to be dealing with a hangover. So out of our group 4 got completely trashed and 3 of us stayed sober. But we dressed up and went out to dinner at the Olive Garden. AM and I made the mistake of eating at school because we were invited at last minute. I probably looked like an anorexic because all I ordered was a cup of coffee. But I loved it...the neo theatre group....with the intellectual conversations and just general antics.

The 4 get trashed in E's room....shots galore and it was very amusing watching their drunkeness progress. But they were funny. It definetly made the dance better. They had no inhibitions and had no problems with pulling us out on the dance floor. But I felt the need to babysit AM because we live in the same building. That part wasn't the greatest, even though she wasn't that far gone. She knew she was drunk, it was just everything was intensified. I hadn't had to deal with that before. But she could walk and her speech wasn't horribly slurred...it's not like she passed out and vomited.

I'm feeling stretched again....too many things and not enough time. I wish I had a weekend. I wish I had time to sleep. Granted, I did get up at 11 but I went to bed at 4. I had 2 papers to write this week and the opening of Ruthless this weekend. My workload increases during hell week, I love the timing.

Why isn't it Friday?

It's been a long week and here again I find myself making poor decisions. I don't think I've gotten to bed before 1 each night....and 2 of those nights have not been spent in my own bed. I wonder if my roommates notice or care...it's better they don't ask. I need more sleep, but at the same time this is a stress reliever for me....venting of mental delemas and venting of pent up stress.

But the guilt slowly creeps in. So far I've actually had time to complete all my homework, but I've been neglecting my music lessons. I'm hoping to get a better pattern for practice times. But I was never used to practicing on a regular basis, that's why this is so hard on me. But I'll get better...I'm motivated atleast, just pressed for time. I feel like I've had so little time to myself, which is true. One shouldn't feel guilty about not doing something when they have had no time to themselves.

Painting Overalls

This is what happens when I have to come back during the day between classes. A lull...I could be doing work but for once I only have 1 rehearsal tonight and it starts at 8. One scene and I'm off to the practice rooms to hammer away at voice and piano. I can come back to my room early and finish work as my other friends have to work on blocking. I can go to sleep before one in the morning because I'm not distracted by a certain someone.

Its funny how I float from place to place. I haven't really been comprehending anything today. Or if I have I haven't been aware of it. I got out of a ballet quiz today...apparently that's the mid term as opposed to just a normal quiz..... But my head spins in somewhat of a daze. I need more sleep, I know that...but do I do anything about it, not really. I should start to use the caffeine stimulants. I'm in college and I've had 3 cups of coffee.

It's going by quickly....mid september, ruthless opens in 2 weeks....october days are just around the corner....then cripple and my parents will be here to visit....then thanksgiving and christmas and hopefully I'll be doing another show before then...i hope i'll get into the pick up. it would be so fun to work with AW like that. but most likely i won't get it, so at least I've secured a pit band position for JB's show.

ah...women's ensemble in 20 minutes and i have to trek all the way across campus again.

aloof

one of those days when I feel the need to retreat and not emerge until i've gotten sick of myself. long weekend and me in dire need of sleep, which I've somewhat caught up on. but i turned down the opportunity to go to the football game. i've have enough of that in high school, thank you. instead the idea of staying here and reading....perhaps doing my homework sometime today since it's not too stressful- a ballet quiz, editing papers, practicum, finishing my own paper. and I should reread Cripple because i felt ignorant last night while discussing character development.

i've retreated within myself. everything that crosses my mind of a deeper problem than homework is buried in me or written in my journals. the person who i tell my problems to is AW, and he similarly seems to do the same with me. i don't tell EC and AM everything anymore. so am I drifting from them? no. I feel the need to keep secrets, to protect myself for my own piece of mind. I go about living life and enjoying this....and at the same time I'm trying to check myself to avoid unnecessary pain. so far it seems to be working, or else i'm just holding myself in constant denial

i'm not sure how AW and I are beyond the surface. there are hints, but i'm avoiding the analysis for my own piece of mind. i guess ignorance is bliss. in my case it's keeping me from getting hurt. besides i have enough going on with classes, lessons, work, and double rehearsals. ruthless opens in 2 weeks.

hey...maybe i'll write something

wow, i couldn't quite remember when I last posted. hmm...life thus far has been sleep deprived. yeah, that's probably the best description. double rehearsals, often lasting until midnight and trying to write a paper until i'm distracted....and then i go to sleep at 3 in the morning with a 10 o clock class. so yeah, last night i was up late after doing a paper until the wee hours of the morning and had to prepare a speech on the same topic.....but it all turned out well. now it's the weekend and i don't have any commitments, save the double rehearsals until monday.

well...yay for boring posts....my thoughts are fairly shallow, considering my extreme lack of sleep and depleation of intellectual efforts. not caring...i spent the entire day waiting for it to be the weekend. hmm...maybe i'll stop typing since i'm boring myself with this post and have to be somewhere in 15 minutes.

Paper....and work ethic...not working together

eh....motivation slipped away from me. i was so pumped to write my paper for Dr. C's class since the PA trip is the night before its due. So knowing me I'll write it tomorrow night. Eh...I need sleep....sleep is much more important.

yeah...i just posted this to make me feel better. goodnight.

lazy sunday

the campus awakens slowly....their head pounding in response to last nights drinking. for the first time since i'd been here the campus wasn't deserted. instead because of the football game everyone seemed to be walking around a little tipsy....or beyond. i happened to be a friend's room with a bunch of theatre groupies when this guy from my ballet class knocks on the door and wanders in. he clearly has the wrong room but when he noticed my friend AM there he stayed and basically had us laughing at his antics for the next hour. uneasily laughing, but laughing none the less. wow, he was drunk.

we all leave the room at the same time and for different reasons....EA and AM go out for a smoke, even though AM doesn't smoke. EC leaves because she's uneasy in this situation. AW and I leave because he has to put his guitar away. Everyone gets into the hall and bolts.

AW and I venture over to my room after he gets his clothes for work tomorrow. The group is sitting in front of Cummings and summons us over. AW has some explaining to do. But everyone was so tipsy they bought the flimsy excuse and we were let off scot free. or perhaps there will be a rumor circulating that we're sleeping with each other....and indirectly its true, just not in the way they're thinking.

So now its 2 o clock on a sunday. i've managed to put on some clothes, but ones that i've dug out of my laundry basket. i've been in a cleaning mood, so at least i feel better that way....but i still have yet to do dishes. meanwhile i'm trying to find motivation for homework, which didn't happen yesterday....today i have to finish reading a play, start a paper, and review 3 excerpts for english. not to mention stupid practicum and I should start preparing for freshman seminar for tuesday.

but i plan to lock myself in my room and not emerge to socialize until i've finished everything. hopefully i'll come forth for dinner. i'm not willing to eat a sandwich or another microwave pizza for a meal. ok....motivation.....where is it?

homework, ugh

fatigue envelopes and threatens to take back all the intellect and energy that i possess. i'm trying to fight it by making my mind work. but what makes it worse is i can't seem to find the page number for an article i'm suppose to read and comment on for my prof. and my friends who would be able to help me are at play practice for awhile. this is a to do list for my own sanity.

1. scene description which i've already picked out....and its supposed to be "short"
2. read and comment on 4 one page excerpts of classmate's writing
3. find article's page number and e-mail comments to Dr. C.
4. print 19 copies of own excerpt to hand out tomorrow.

and I have an hour and a half before i should be done. brain, work dammit.

god, i feel drained. what is this? not enought sleep? not enough food? i don't know....a combination of everything? this week was only 4 days....tomorrow is friday.

ok...work....motivation....i'm going to accomplish these easy tasks.................awww

A Cold Day in Rockford

It's beginning to feel like September. Or at least the September I'm used to. I love days like these, sunny yet cool. The breeze blowing while you walk about in deception that its warm. Instead you step outside to feel the brisk breath of autumn. You wrap up in a sweatshirt or a blanket if you have the luxury of an hour or two before the next class. My motivation escaped me in the wee hours of the morning. Instead I come back from lunch and fight the temptation of a cup of coffee and argue in my head about what I should be doing.

Last night is a blur of conversation and sleep. The mood was wrapped in light heartedness slightly twinged in pain and regret. We were both wishing. Wishing things hadn't turned out like they had in our lives away from here. I think both of us are deeper in this than we're willing to admit. I'm afraid to admit it....afraid on so many levels. And from what I gather that feeling of protection and vunerablity is reciprocated. I stayed in his room until midnight, my unofficial curfew....looked at the clock only to be held back, by him and by myself. So I stayed in his bed and slept beside him, which seems to have become our tradition. Only this time I had a 9 o clock class in the morning.

I wonder what goes on in his head. I wonder how he thinks of me beside the obvious surface stuff. We're really close and really comfortable with each other. I wonder what happens between that pause in the silence when we stopped talking and are about to kiss. What is he thinking in that 30 seconds? Should I or shouldn't I? Or is it something more? I've begun to wonder if it is something more. His relationship is almost over. It pains him to think about it. And he thinks of me as more than just the mistress.....

Weird mood

I'm drained. I think this happens to me whenever I'm drained. Somewhere in between production class and the end of dinner I collapsed. Or rather my body collapsed while my emotions and intellect surged forward. Only it was my emotions that overpowered the rest of my being. Swirling and swallowing me in a surge of something I can't quite identify. I feel lost but I'm not sure why. This has happened before, I keep telling myself this so I don't attribute it to homesickness.

Maybe I'm thrown off by homesickness because my roommate moved out. I think there has to be some sort of curse on me....I've gone through 2 roommates and I haven't even been here a full month. It's just irony. They weren't sure where to put me and in doing so I end up getting the flaky roommates. But S was really nice, even though we didn't talk much. Now I'm afraid of getting a sketchy roommate like E again. I really don't want that to happen. Oddly enough I miss S. We had a good balance going. Sure we were never around at the same time but we respected each other.

I have to find motivation for homework. I have Ruthless! rehearsal in an hour and a half. I have to get myself out of this slump and work. Work....I got out of English 20 minutes early because I was finished with my test....first one to finish. How unlike high school....I didn't have anything to do so she let me leave. I did really shitty on a mini quiz last week about Plato but it turned out I was above the class average, which was higher than his other section.

Random thought of the day: Am I hanging out with AW too much? I'm starting to wonder if I have other friends.....yes, but circumstances. The only reason we were hanging out together today was because we're doing props for Ruthless! and spent the 3 hours in production working on that. And so we'll probably hang out after I'm done with rehearsal at 9:00. No...no I don't think so....besides if he didn't want me around he'd tell me. But it would do me good to hang out with other people.

Homework....homework....grr

Setting Things Straight

This is a shout out...a shout out to refute all the ill I have done and a chance to redeem myself if at all possible. A change to justify my decisions even if those may not agree with them. I want to move on.

I made mistakes. I know that. I took back promises that I meant to keep. But I wonder if I should have made those promises to begin with. Was it too much to demand at this stage in my life? From what I've been told it was beyond anyone in my situation to make those promises....completely unrealistic. I lied....I cheated....and I understood that I could be forgiven for the cheating. But I didn't want to be forgiven. I wanted it to be a last straw, a reason to leave me behind because I wanted to travel alone for awhile. The lying is by far what has gotten to me the most. The lying is what drew me into guilt that weighed me down for a week or so. The lying and betrayal is what makes me stop and reflect....what almost broke me last week while playing piano. I'm sorry. I can't do that to someone and be forgiven.

As far as what I've done with AW.....the sleeping in his bed has been just that. Laying side by side in the same bed in a state of slumber.....not sex. Besides, he's breaking up with his girlfriend, its just long and drawn out. And that's his issue, not mine. AW is virtuous enough to not cheat if he didn't want to. But the relationship means nothing to him. I don't know his complete take on the situation. I don't know why he's doing this besides the obvious reason of why he's attracted to me. I did ask him why me instead of his girlfriend- intellectual stimulus. Don't have me justify my actions with him. This is our own personal choice. I'm out of my relationship because I didn't want to further lie. And now I have no one to tell lies. Besides, we'd probably end up together under better circumstances...when we're not coming from break ups that are painful. Yes, painful....each time I get an e-mail telling me A's heart is ripped out and confused I ache with the pain of last week. The only way I know of ridding the pain is separation. That's why I don't want to talk, I need to heal. I need to heal so I can go about my life and function. I need to heal so I can eventually forgive myself. And I do need to forgive myself. If I can't, what's left?

I have my reasons. I've spelled them out before. This is not you're fault, A. Its a change of priorities. There is nothing you could have done to stop this....save stopping time, which is not possible. I was meant to move on.....you'll learn that you, too, were meant to move on. I'm so sorry I had to do it under these circumstances. That is what I most regret, the circumstances of the break up. But it was ending, I had been sensing it. I'll never regret what I had with you, none of it. I'll always treasure it in my heart and think back fondly of all the memories we had. I'll always look at you as my first love. But do not confuse these good memories with wanting you back. With each guilty and accusatory e-mail lessens my good memories of you. I don't want that. I want a clean break, because with that clean break is a greater likelihood of a friendship somewhere down the line. Somewhere, being months from now...spring or something. I need to heal....you need to heal. Find yourself friends in which to surround you. Date again if you feel you are able. Don't be afraid to trust and to love. But heal, A.

Please understand me....or at the very least respect my wishes. I have my reasons, please trust them even if you don't agree with them. I will always care about you.

Brainstorming

Ideas for reflective paper:

Well, I basically have this figured out to 1 event: my last breakdown....nothing severe, just a collapse of self-confidence. It's not too personal....not scarily personal....besides i want to write something real, not something that protects my indentity. Should I be afraid of revealing too much to people who don't know me that well? Not sure.

So I'm free writing....free writing....and it helps that i have the raw emotions captured in previous blogposts. I understand better what I went through at the time.

Breakdown....starting from audition prep.....monologues, auditions, travelling, potential....the acceptance letter....and then the rejection letters....first one....shook it off, didn't want to go there....mentally preparing myself for the next rejection....knew it, knew it....got it and moved on. i had wizard, i was going to be ugly....besides i wasn't completely rejected. and i had to deal with rejection anyway, better get used to it. but then at dance....i'm told that another girl that i'd been in theatre with...same body type....i thought i was a better singer....she's going to a prestigious school in ny. why did that bother me, it did.....comparing myself to K was ludicrous, we're completely different body types. he's a straight guy....i'm a dime a dozen petite girl. i had no chance with ratio. if i had his body with my talent, no problem. but this is someone exactly like me. so why am i rejected and she accepted? it got to me...suddenly all the rejection emotion came crashing down on me and pulled me to one of my lowest points. it was here my self image gave up and collapsed. i let myself wallow in a pit of despair and self loathing. so many things i could have done....different pieces, more practice...more opinions....more everything....i could have done so much better and why didn't i? could i have done better? would it have mattered? or was i fooling myself into thinking i could make it in the business when i couldn't even get into college?

i cried....drowned in my tears and the fume of nail polish remover.....i had those damned witch fingernails and realized i had to be able to play piano and i couldn't. i had to take them off....what a bitch. what a bitch to bite me in the ass when i had the rest of this personal shit. i try to cope by writing in my blog and can't because i can't type with fingers...only with a pen.... i try to play piano to relieve emotion, doesn't work because of the damned fingernails. so i soak them in nailpolish remover...soak them until my fingers burn and my eyes sting and i start to wonder whether or not the chemicals are effecting my emotions. after an hour and a half of turning over negative thoughts the nails finally come off. i wash the chemicals off and the top layer of my skin. i sit back down at the computer and as the words flow from my fingers to the screen, the tears fall from my eyes.

i'm lost.....for the first time since this college planning thing i have no plan. my original plans are so far out the door i don't know what to do with myself. i'm lost swimming in a sea of wishes that have disappeared out from under me. i'm too depressed to realize the options i still have left. i shed tears wanting what i just lost. m had been in and out to talk to me and realized it was a lost cause. i told her, let me have this....everyone has times where they break down in self pity....let this be mine. after all of the pointless bullshit i went through this year and it didn't completely break me....let me have this. let me question why i'm here and where i'm supposed to be going. let me wonder if there's anything left in my previous plans. let me compare myself to others and let that comparison bring me down. let me look around in the bleakness and make up my mind to not come back here again. let me gather my strength before i turn a corner and shape my life into something better. let me shape myself into someone who's strong. but in becoming strong let me empty all of my weakness into this one moment, this span of hours. as i shed my tears, so to shall i shed my weakness. i rest and rejuvenate and find my strength to go on my path to greatness.

morning comes and i've decided a plan of action. i now have 2 schools....2 different majors....2 different lives. which to chose....i need to ponder this....and in pondering i move on and away from the bleak....into my strength....into my reformed self image. and i've never looked back.

the weekend, score

3 day weekend and campus is nearly deserted. i've ventured out to a minimum but i should accomplish things before they close up for the rest of the weekend. eh...life is slow paced at the moment, which will last for a few days before classes again. i like that, a rejuvenation from my academic life....i separate myself from people and figure myself out before coming back to society.

its funny how the plans with AW and I have suddenly been thrown out the window. we decided after last weekend that we should cease the physical between us and just be good friends. that lasted for 4 days and last night i ended up alone in his room after going to a movie with friends. suddenly we were making out again and suddenly i ended up sleeping in his bed. like last weekend i left in the early morning hours we he had to leave for work. but its worse for him this week than last. i'm guilt-free now, he is not so lucky.

i decided to just go with events. i'm not pining for him, but if this happens i'm not going to stop it. life shall be interesting with all the goings on. 2 shows...work...classes...everything. but i'm off to do laundry.