Hey Titles...that's new

Okay life is being.....life, i guess.  Time keeps passing, things keep happening and somehow life plans itself around me and fills the minutes and hours with something to do.  And when given a free moment there is always something to plan, some other task to do, or perhaps a leisurely something I wanted to complete.  Odd, but yet not knowing me.  I told J I was suprised I had been busy.  He replied, when have you ever not been?  He's right...the short time we were extremely envolved in each other's life, he picked that out about me.  Actually I think anyone who knew me outside of a camp situation could tell you that.

But today was consumed with college planning.  I spent most of the day buying dorm room supplies.  Wow, its amazing how much stuff one has just to live.  How I have to create my own "house" for the duration of college.  I've spent my free evening marvelling at my extremely lucky room assignment and shopping for back packs and dance shoes.  Now I'm unsure of what to do.

My mind keeps drifting to this haven I'll be creating for myself in 3 weeks.  I actually have my own space (hooray!).  I get to share a bathroom with my roommate and no one else.  I keep seeing myself at college....  Its funny to think about how life will never be the same again.  Most likely I'll never live with my parents again, except for short vacations during school.  But basically I'll slowly ween myself from being dependent until I'm so far away I maybe come home once a year if it works and I have the money. 

Its strange to think about where I'll possibily be in 5 years...10...15.  What will happen to me?  Will I like the person I've become?  But this post is getting boring and my thoughts are dull.
 

I find myself caught in a strange position of wanting to cling to what I have but at the same time I want to push it away.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps its the realization of what I have with A.  And what I have is that fairy tale, make believe, hollywood dramatization of happy endings and things that are meant to be....happily ever after.  Only this time it isn't, it has every possibility of becoming so....yet for a few years those possibilities are hanging in the balance.  I'm not resentful or depressed about this....no, I'm realistic and in some ways I'm thankful.

Ironic, no.  I've spent all of this time figuring out societal patterns and disliking having to follow the natural order of things.  Only this time I find that perhaps I wanted to be conforming to this all the time.  High school, college, work, marriage, kids, retirement, death......maybe that's what I want.....maybe I want that godforsaken house in the suburbs with the well paying job, a husband, 2.5 kids, and 2 suvs/ mini vans....   no, i will not stoop to that level- my life will be a loft apartment in downtown somewhere; chicago, ny, minneapolis....husband doing whatever the hell he pleases, 1 kid (maybe), car optional depending on living circumstances....job- i have no idea, but it'll be what i want and not just for money.

how did i go off on that tangent, i didn't mean to.  i'm looking around at everything in my life and i'm pondering how its shaped me.  i'm looking at everything and realizing how much i have.  i'm wondering how that made me....what i've learned and am i that much the better for it.  i keep finding in other people small parts of what i used to be.  listening to F's troubles the other night: how she finds those around her immature and her coping with that....basically disliking what she's surrounded by: at least in high school.  i spent nearly the last 2 years of high school like that.  it somewhat evaporated with my senior year, returned 2nd quarter when i started this blog and was throughly miserable.  i don't know what made it go away....just a string of good things; college audition prep, one-act, mock trial, A, musical....graduation, maslc, moving on.  i like to think A was a large part of it. 

for some reason i find myself very adult now...that will get slapped in the face, soon enough...but i feel tolerant, acceptant, yet strong, independent and determined....ambitious, but not to the point of being cold....loving, open, but not too vunerable, appreciative....i'm trying to enjoy everything i have left....every moment i have with people i won't see for long periods of time.  it seems to be working. 

but i feel lost right now....its just i mood i'm in.....still its funny when i have time to stop and catch my breath, this is what happens to me.  i'm tired- mentally, physically, and somewhat emotionally.  this past week has changed my life in some way.  i've suddenly realized what an amazing relationship i have and have renewed my determination even more than i ever have.  i will not let it go.  i've tried endlessly to think about it and analyze it, but perhaps that's not what i need to do.  the experience was wonderful, maybe instead i'll let it wash over me and bury itself deep within my senses.  the entire thing was an experience of emotion, why should i share it with my thoughts beyond simple recollection.  i think the effort is beyond me.  at least for the moment.

how does life shape a person?

God, I'm so tired I've developed a headache and my eyes keep unfocusing.  Well, that's what I get for going to Perkins/ bowling/ Perkins (again) after the concert.  Eh, but there are things I have to get down on paper (whatever) before the details become less sharp.

Wednesday night was amazing.  It all started out ordinary, just hanging out with A and doing random things.  We were so carefree that day....just floating from one place to another having no agenda and just kept coming up with good ideas.  We were full of good conversation....sat in the hfa building in the cushy lounge chairs just having one of those conversations about everything.  I love conversations like that.  I live my life just so I can find them. 

But we go back to his house after stopping at D's for an hour or so....we watch a movie and when its over we sit on the futon in the darkness with only the blue glow from the television screen casting light.  We sit and suddenly our conversation drifts...it drifts to A telling me all of these painful things from his childhood.  Things he has hinted at, but has never come to telling me the details.  Things that I wonder if he's told many people.  And I'm amazed, amazed that'd he would open up to me in this way.  After how I so badly treated him when he dumped on me back in April....i can't believe he's doing this.  And I hold him and try to comfort him by just letting him know I'm there for him.  We weep, and exchange secrets.  Weep for what we have lost, for what we have, for our struggles of life.  Emotion and secrets whirl around us, wrapping us up in their feeling...they bind us together and make us feel as if we're connected....as if we're supposed to be with one another for a very long time.  Making us think that maybe we are an example of soulmates.....something neither of us really believed in until that moment.  We stop.  Both of us are in shock....wow, holy shit what just happened.  we marvel at it all..... and after much discussion because of what just happened, i make a decision....i don't regret it.

now....now.....i feel so secure in this, surprised, but secure.  i guess its because i'm used to being single.  being in a relationship is so odd for me and i've never expected any to last long because of precedence.  but my 3rd...and honestly the first one that ever meant something.  there was only one other that could compare and i never loved him.  i feel all of those sappy things lovers feel, but at the same time i have this feeling of stability between us.  i have this notion that maybe we will last forever in one way or another.  i feel like we're meant to get married...not for awhile, of course....but maybe in 5, 10 years.  that even if we somehow lose touch fate will give us a hand and push us back into each other's lives. 

god, i feel like this is terrible...that i'm not recording it right....i feel like i'm missing something and i'm just writing down facts.....ah, give me a break its almost 2:30 in the morning.

I've slapped around my emotions today, gone full circle and back again.  I've decided I need to spill everything here, no matter how much I feel the need to protect myself.  Or perhaps that's the part of me that has changed, the need to not be vunerable.  I'll start at the beginning.
 
A sent me an e-mail on Friday when in was in Minneapolis all day.  An e-mail expressing doubts about our relationship because I'm going off to college in a month a couple of states away with a 9 hour drive and months between visits home and things will probably never be the same between us.  I understand, its part of moving on and growing up.  Its a stage of life that I have begun to enter and he will still wait two years.  He wants to come with me and I want him to, but we both know this can't be so.  And now maybe reality is starting to creep in for him and hit him in the face a bit.  And maybe he realized he couldn't make that sacrifice for me, no matter how happy we've been together.
 
So with this idea in my head I did what I normally do, I manipulate and exaggerate it until I've worked myself into an emotional frenzy.  I develop ideas about how to cope.  Who to run to and comfort me.  Who I could have a rebound fling with to regain myself esteem and make me feel attractive.  What I can do until college to keep those pangs of sadness from getting to me.  Silly notion, I know, when it hasn't even been confirmed by A yet.  Have him break up with me and then break down emotionally.  But I did realize something, something very important- I do love him.  And for how ever long I've been trying to convince myself that this really is love I now know it is.  A was right, you never truly know until they're gone.
 
I come home and get on the computer hoping to run into him.  We manage to converse long enough to know we're not going to break up before we both have to run off to dinner.  He wants to see me, and for now I'm taking this as a good sign.
 
I wrote in my journal just to get those thoughts out of my head and on paper so they make sense.  Hopefully them making sense will stablize me and not have these emotions swirling around and causing me to be overdramatic.  Typical actress, right?  It made me feel better.  I realized this is happening because I'm leaving.  This wouldn't be happining if I were going to be a senior in high school instead of a freshman in college.  Or rather, the chances of it happening would be less likely.  Or perhaps he realized his attraction for me had diminished to friend status.  It makes a lot of sense, we've often said at time we're more like really good friends.  At any rate it calmed me down and rationalized me.  I could go into the discussion we both agreed to have with points for either side of the arguement and not let my feelings carry me away. 
 
Ironically I ended up watching Under the Tuscan Sun at Mom's request tonight.  This movie deals with the main character coping with a divorce and later trying to move on and failing.  Rejection was prevolent in the movie and for some reason that reassured me.  It reassured me because I know this will not kill me, that I will be able to move on, and that I shouldn't have to define myself by the guy I'm with- no matter how wonderful my particular guy may be.
 
I wrote A a lengthy e-mail about all of this.  Once again this helped sort out my thoughts.  I left whatever this is open to him.  I restated the need for discussion and I told him my feelings on some issues.  There are still questions unanswered in my own mind.  Valid questions that he voiced in his last e-mail: Will we be able to stay in love with one another even though we'll be apart for months?  Will we not cheat on each other and hurt one another?  Do we want to be this commited to the relationship?
 
I have my doubts about these questions.  I thought Maslc was a test for me.  A test to see if our relationship could stand the time and distance from each other.  I thought I was passing it, and in a sense I did.  But about 3 days before I left I realized a friendship with a certain someone suddenly meant something more.  I never did anything about it and I don't know if he felt a certain way (though I could guess).  I couldn't act on it, but the thought was still there.  Besides he reminded me of A.  So that's why I'm doubting myself.  Does that mean if I get to know a guy really well for 3 weeks and it will be a really long time before I see A...does that mean I'll go for it?  I don't know.
 
I know I love him and I know I want to be with him.  But maybe I am second guessing the duration.  I still have a month and I still want to be with him for that month.  He has made me the happiest I've ever been.  I don't want to lose that, not yet.  I just know I need to talk to him about this.  We have to be fair to each other. 

I've been so busy trying to live my life that I don't understand what it means to simply live, to reflect and learn.  I experience the emotions that come from seeing these people, some in familiar settings and some not.  Yeah, I'm happy to see them and spend time with them.  That was the point, wasn't it.  The point of my life thus far is to keep me busy and not slip into the boredum that threatens to plague me when you take away structure.  Ironic no, I spend all year griping about the structure only to find that I miss it.
 
I saw LZ and LK for the first time since my grad party over a month ago.  Funny about structure, LZ told me she was the glamourous corporate life; power suit, 9 to5, office, money, generally the structure and the prestige that comes from it.  Typical LZ and I can see her in it.  I can see her going to law school and finding some successful job that later adds to her resume as she bridges into politics and perhaps will make a lovely picture of a future presidential candidate.  I'd vote for her.
 
But I feel the urge to run and cry to these people whom I call my friends.  Yet, something in me holds back.  And this urge, it doesn't even have a problem to go with it....more of a longing to know that I am not alone in whatever doubts, uncertainties, whatever.  So maybe I am percieving life, just not conciously.  Because whenever I think about what could be bothering me, the emotion never materializes into text or an idea.  Just a gut feeling or an emotion that washes over me.  I find something else to occupy my time, tasks to complete, people to see...something else to do to ignore.  Of course I don't know if I'm over exaggerating, perhaps I am.
 
I want to leave.....let time pass quickly and let me leave.  I've been here too long and I'm starting to feel it.  I love this place and I love these people, I truly do.  And part of me wants to stay.  But a larger part needs to move on.  Maybe because here symbolizes childhood, which I'm trying to shake now.  Childhood is almost gone.

Today's events:

I ran outside at about 11 o'clock in the am under the blazing hot sun....probably not the smartest thing to do but I drank a gallon of water while I was stretching afterward.

Mom's creative wrap sandwiches for lunch (dinner- she was teasing me about coming back to the country lingo "breakfast, lunch, dinner, lunch, and supper")

Trying to located AH's house through use of a phone book map and my own fuzzy sense of direction....success. But we had a great deal of fun, having not seen each other since Maslc (AH was my roommate and definetly my best female friend from that experience).
Spent the afternoon buying Jon's birthday present (pasta cookbook for the pasta feen) and making a lovely card to go with it. After that I have this extreme urge to be crafty....yay for creative juices. Oh and then there was the forged "R scrawl".

Watched a splendid movie Mom purchased this week- Cradle Will Rock. A wonderful (almost) true story about the Federal Theatre in the 1930's Depression era under the WPA. Had all sorts of big name actors playing some big name historical figures, Nelson Rockafeller, Diego Rivera, Orson Wells, and more. Splendid story, cinemagtography, costumes, acting, music, made me inspired as an actress (wanna-be actress, however you choose to put it).

Glasses of water consumed for the day: about 5, plus that "gallon" i had after running this morning....god, its so hot out...and no a/c, anywhere- not in my house nor car....ahhhhh

I seemed to have lapsed back into what I can best term as "maslc-depression". Odd, how things like that originate. I talked to 2 maslc-ers on the phone today, but I'm thinking only one prompted the sadness.

But suddenly after I got off the phone with J, I resumed reading Vonnegut on the porch and I felt this homesickness pang....which made no sense because I am home.

And now I feel the need to confirm my identity. And my confirmation of it would be to ask the people who know me in various aspects. Ask my high school friends, who have known me the longest....ask my parents perhaps, ask A, ask my close Maslc friends, ask S when she gets home. Who am I, really? And maybe underneath all the things that "define" me, will I be able to find something meaningful that defines me? Those labels- the different one, artistic one, theatrical person, good friend, etc etc etc do they mean anything?

Ah, confusion sets in....but at the same time I think this notion is just something temporary that will dislove by morning. Besides, I'm already feeling better. So now I'm going to engage in a maslc tradition when AH and I were at host families....late night sitcoms. Hooray.

Strange moment of...something, failure or perhaps wanting more. I was stretching in my room after another run and glance at this promotional AMDA folder stuck in this miscellaneous cabinet with magazines, etc. I pull it out and leaf through it. I had intended way back when to audition for this school but put it aside because they don't have a degree program. so i had a notion in my head of going there after Rockford. i figure i shouldn't have any trouble getting in after coming off of a bfa program. the only thing is the money and will i want to do that instead of trying to work. hehe, but i feel like i'd need more training especially if i want to land jobs in the new york broadway district eventually. but 'tis just an idea and i have no idea if it will pan out.

Experiment 721: Can my slow as all hell comp download or begin to download any songs before I'm finished with this post? Current Hypothesis: No, but I'll be happy to be proven wrong.

Question of the day: What happens to an 18 year old, mildly active girl when she doesn't leave an approximate 2 mile radius around her house (and she lives in godforsaken middle of nowhere) in 48 hours?

Answer: She goes a bit batty and her posts begin to be more interesting, in a creepy pat-me-on-the-head-and smile-awkardly kind of way.

And I'll tell you why she goes a bit off her rocker. For starters, it could of been the cleaning fumes or the fact that she was cleaning at all. Maybe it was the chained up (thank god) angry barking and growling dog she passed by on a lonely gravel road while out for a run. *he can't attack me he's on a chain, i think* Then again, she's been watching an awful lot of Surprise by Design. Or the bacteria contaminated her when 1/2 of the contents of a very full garbage can were spread out on one corner of the kitchen floor thanks to her father's very naughty dog. And she diligently picked up each piece, meat juice stained paper wrappings and all. Random thought: Why is it my friends seem to have a place to go that maybe is or isn't work-related? Why am I left out? grrr.

But there is hope...tomorrow I get to escape. Though ironically I was also asked to a mini-maslc reunion which i cannot attend (could they have asked me for tonight, last night, or tomorrow night? no)

Hey, it's 11:00 pm- do you know where your children are? Yes, I do...I don't have any children.

Experiment 721: Hypothesis proven. What was that, I'm online for precisely 13:29 and nothing....nothing... but wait, does that make me a slow typer? or does it mean my mind lapses frequently. knowing me, probably both.

Yay, day to myself more or less despite really long list of chores. Eh well...

Interesting discoveries/realizations as of late:
1. radio station out of fargo that reminds me of my favorite radio station out of minneapolis...which is great because now i can listen to that all the time, instead of when i'm passing through the cities.

2. i have motivation for creative projects. i feel like learning how to sew proficently and not have to have mom over my shoulder telling me what to do next. that and i should do that charcoal sketch I promised J for grad/her birthday/whenever i get to it.

3. i like decorating shows...hooray for the discovery channel

4. for some reason i really really like my independence. like somehow it disappoints me to realize someone else is in the house. perhaps i'm clammoring for that point in my life when i'm not tied to anything....or at least not tied to my parents. wow, i actually want to be 30 or something like that.

5. i'm growing towards being a book nerd...spending all my free time reading and such, especially on these cool rainy days

So perhaps now that I've been back for a few days I find myself settling into old, familiar patterns. I spent Sunday afternoon/evening and Monday morning at A's. I find it amazing that all I need to be happy with him is just A. I love the way he makes me feel, that sense of empowerment, self confidence, and love. When I can drive home and that feeling of elation he gave me carries through the rest of my day and then some.

But for some reason I just thought of a something that was in my head before I left: my issue with stagnant happiness. Familiar? Well, ironically I was guided back into place at Maslc. My mind drifted to a memory early in the experience. Last night at Mt. Carmel as J, B and I sat on the couch in the very front, racking our brains for a problem when in fact we didn't think very hard at all. J somewhat shocked me with his deep problem...and then it was my turn. "I feel the need to strive for more, even when I look around and think that I should be happy but in reality I'm not. So I ask myself why I have to keep going for more when my life is really good as it is." And B's response, "It's natural to keep wanting more. You always want to make yourself the best person possible and to do that you have to keep striving for more. That's the beauty of you, your persistance...." etc etc. So I'm reassured. And now I'm wondering if that feeling will creep back into my life...but it hasn't at the moment.

I live day to day, with no commitments that seem to lay beyond the week and even those are flexible. I haven't had time to question anything, which is good. I'm just living I guess. I'm learning to listen to myself and to others and compromise, but not....because in this "compromise" it really wasn't compromising at all....instead it was something that made both of us happy without losing anything. My time here is short, but instead of waiting for it to close I'm embracing it. Spending quality time with people, making plans.

I'm inspired...I'm not sure how, creatively perhaps? artistic endevors pursue me...so what should i do for that? mediums? I'm somewhat in the frame of mind to reform myself so much for the better. It fits, I'm between 2 different eras of my life with a life-changing experience under my belt. So I'm using it to shape my character. I'm taking everything good from everyone I love and putting into myself.....lessons learned, ideals experienced, emotions flowed What an odd, yet interesting predicament (?), I'm anxious to fly...and making preparation for it....even so, I'm content and happy and better yet I'm not questioning it. I'm striving, but the striving is unconcious...or its not plaguing my "happiness". Anyway, I'm rambling and being very vague.

Milestone for the day: its been exactly 1 year since my jaw surgery.

Anyways, I'm in a strange mood. I've sorted some issues out in my head. Mainly because I spent the afternoon with L, whom I haven't seen since she was back in the States for Christmas and she's going to summer session in Sioux Falls on Tuesday basically for the rest of the summer. But L set my head on straight for something that's been plaguing me for quite awhile. I'm still not certain how that will turn out, but I atleast feel better about it....mainly from hearing her point of view.

Odd. I intended to spend the majority of my day being alone and getting stuff done, but I ended up hanging out at L's house for the majority of the day. So, now its funny to think that I want to go somewhere and do something. I've barely been home for 24 hours. Eh...I feel the need to fly (figuratively speaking, although literally wouldn't be too bad).

So life continues to be back to normal. I'm just really happy I don't have to face high school in the fall. College sounds much better.

back from maslc and i'm not sure what to make of myself. i feel the need to retreat for a few days away from people and distractions. i feel like i have to re-evaluate myself and decide what i got from maslc and how i want to use it. strangely enough, i've kind of been doing that for the past few hours. i spent last night at my aunt's house and just returned home at 6:30 pm today. my parents are out until about 11:00, so i've been enjoying this alone time. i've been with people almost constantly for 3 weeks.

but last night and this morning i felt a strange sort of emptiness. like a homesickness. now, i've gotten used to the idea of being home but i feel like i'm torn. like i was ripped from someplace wonderful and i wasn't ready to leave. i cried last night...a little bit. of course i cried during When I Survey the Wondrous Cross. I had to. One look at Dr. T's face as we were singing the "were the whole rhelm of nature mine..." stanza and how could i not. the voices were so beautful, the organ, the text, that feeling within me of happiness and sadness. then later when we were saying our goodbyes downstairs...hugging....i hugged J and completely lost it. I spent 2 minutes crying on R's shoulder and got makeup on his polo. even now as i'm writing this tears spring to my eyes and threaten to fall.

i've been torn away...i didn't want to leave....i didn't want to leave my friends....friends who'd become so close to my heart in a matter of days and just continued to get closer with the past 3 weeks.

but it will be ok...i'll move on...i'll visit them, J and A aren't too far away...there's e-mail...phone...i still have R's music, which i meant to give back...i have to return it eventually. parents are home, and i'll be expected to talk with them.