My Life Events Since I Last Posted (in order)

1. Had a wonderful time with A on Wednesday...told him I loved him and everything is right in the world.

2. No more braces, ever! And my retainers are on the backside of my teeth aka not visible.

3. Went to college audition number 2 in Rockford, IL.

4. Have returned home temporarily for 2 days then will fly to Boston for college audition number 3 on Wednesday.

Elaboration- solely on the important parts-

Keeping with the chronological theme at the moment;
Wednesday was utter bliss. I was greeted by an enormous hug from A at the coffee house. Basically, we didn't do anything interesting...went to the student center at the college for a hang out....and ended up in the practice rooms because all the private areas with a clock were taken. Strange for me to be in the HFA builiding since that's where I had my dirty fling with J over the summer. But we were sitting, cuddling in the practice room and we could hear through the walls a marvelous piano player playing the snowflake (some peice A is familiar, I'd just vaguely remembered it) and it seemed to fit so well with the mood.....A was being so wonderful, I could see in his eyes how much he loved me and cared about me and wanted to make me happy. I need reassurance of this.....and i just felt this overwhelming surge of emotion of wanting to return all of those things This wasn't just wishful thinking, this emotion is/was genuine.....so I told him those three words that I'm terrified of....those three words that symbolize what I most fear, vunerability. I flung my fears to the wind leaving only A to catch me. and he did....we flew, soaring above the world, me in his protective arms knowing nothing would ever happen to spoil this wonderful state as long as he had control. and we parted and I have not spoken to him since because I've been away....

leaving it at that for the moment....the college audition stuff seems out of place with this post

not sure how to deal with this...i have this feeling i can't explain, a feeling of betrayal and hurt with no source I can comprehend, save my own imagination. why do i feel as if i've been dropped....because of a lack of communication since sunday? he has a life i'm sure...i have one. even so, i'm thinking of calling A just to confirm the common cup thing tomorrow....no e-mail today...not online....legit excuse, i'm sure....i just don't know it.

god, i keep mentally preparing myself for a breakup....as if i can sense it coming. why, i have no idea. when we last talked he said he was head over heels in love with me. how could that have changed in the span of 48 hours? i'm comforted whenever i talk to him...it is when i'm alone with my thoughts that logic and fear piles on me, weighing me down. if i keep thinking of the fear of being alone, why am i in this? i spend the relationship worrying and preparing myself for when its going to end. is this any good for me? maybe i would be better if i severed it and had the satisfaction of not being attached. but then i'm ruled by fear and what good does that do me? so my fears have won again, i've retreated back into my comfort zone....is that any way to live?

he said after 2 weeks we can be sure the infatuation aspect will have worn away and it is then we determine whether there is anything between us. two weeks as of thursday....

i need to call him, if nothing else for reassurance.....besides, i won't look desperate if it is to confirm tomorrow's plans. i need to be sure of them anyway.

i hope this worrying is all for naught.

i have this feeling i can't explain- like i've been kicked in the stomach for whatever reason....i hope that doesn't mean anything. and i haven't the slightest idea why i should be feeling that way. we won our trial today (perfect score from the presiding judge!) and are going to state competition. very exciting and i actually get to do something more than keep time. i get to try my franklyn walk and our team doesn't have to worry about getting the 40 hours. no watching tapes this year.

but maybe its because when i came online i didn't get an e-mail from A. very unusual...besides there's probably a legit reason, i shouldn't jump to conclusions. i guess i just want to talk to him in general...i used up my phone card last night, so i probably won't make the first move. anyway, i heard some things about him today and that just made me want to make my own judgements. also LK is feeling sorry for herself and there's some bad blood between her and A....i just need to talk to her to confirm i'm not the girl stealing her ex.

moving away from that....had a great convo with A last night on the phone....and eventually it propelled me into a deep train of thought- analysis not triggering by depression/lonliness. things i thought about: why does A love me? think about it, he's sort of like my teacher in many ways...what good am i to him besides a loving possession? something to ask. i likened the situation to the Time Traveller and Weena in Wells' Time Machine. He's the intelligent one and Weena is the ignorant one. I'm very naive.

Experiencing a mental block about that right now. But I feel the need to write multiple e-mails...to A, and L....

Ok- end of the first college audition. Overall, not bad considering. I nailed my songs. Did pretty good with the monologue. Presented my self confidently, but without the air of a prima donna. My dance audition was not complementary, but mainly because I was in a room full of dancers. I am a singer/actress. Hopefully those girls couldn't sing or act. At least my dancing showed potential in my opinion. Nevertheless, I'm still filled with worry just because of the odds and the importance of these auditions. But I'm satisfied and I tried my best. If I get in, it is because of my voice- which was better then most of the samples I heard on the archives playing in the lobby. She can sing very well, she can act well and her dancing has potential- she has stage presence. Plus the one prof remembered me from my visit back in october because our small home towns are about 30 minutes apart and because he and my dad went to the same college. At least I have name recognition.

So I'm putting that out of my head. I did well, no use stressing over odds and competition. On to next week, in Illinois...where I have another audition. This school's reputation isn't as high as Stevens Point, but I'll still have to work as hard. The benefit of Boston is that I don't have to humiliate myself with dancing until fall placement, after I'm accepted. And I get my damned braced off on Thursday, so hopefully that will help with image and such.

I'm missing A a lot....I got a sweet e-mail from him. God, I probably am falling for him even though I'm scared of love. This is good though, I should throw away my insecurities and actually live life for me instead of my activities. But I'm trying to see him Wednesday or else I won't be able to until I get back from Boston and state mock trial (even though that isn't for sure yet).

I hope I'm not overestimating things, but I have this feeling I'm going to end up at atleast one of these 3 schools. I hope that's correct. Until then sleep, since its been a long time coming and dream about A...tomorrow I go home and prepare for the next audition.

The end of my good day and the beginning of the weekends I've been looking forward to (and worrying about) for months.
Saw A today for speech. Once again we didn't end up in the same round. So we hang out in between rounds and before awards. And because my senior priviledge is to hand out awards I had to be careful of not repeating last weeks episode. Ironically enough I got 4th again- the 3rd time this season, I'm stuck in a rut or something.

I sang most of the afternoon. I spent the first half of last block idly playing piano and singing. Then I blew away the jr high choir with Much More. And I also sang for A like I promised. He absolutely loved it, and that's not just because he loves me. But I feel a lot better about the vocals because I got myself back to that peak I had last year during The Fantasticks.

Speaking of that, I finally decided on a gift for A since I won't be able to see him for 3 weeks. I lent him my Fantasticks tape, gave him a necklace and a card with reasons why I care about him (possibily even love him- ahh, commitment). Oh, and I was going to have Mom meet him today, but we weren't on the same wavelength at all, so it didn't happen. I feel guilty about that, but its no big deal. Now I want it to be official with him meeting the parents at my house or something. Hehe, and the speech meet thing was a gradual way of telling people we're together. For some reason I'd been hesitant about it but now its good to tell them. I came to awards and the seniors were asking me about it and V was sounding very excited like it was a good thing, unlike LK and LZ who don't think its good for me.

So I've been packing. I'm going to put a lot of my issues out of my mind and think only about college auditions and the good things surrounding A. There are some bad and some things that make me feel guilty. But I should adopt A's attitude towards the seemingly unimportant stresses and forget about it. Its not like any of those things are a big deal. I need to prepare and focus on my auditions. I have my supplies for warm ups and clothing for the acting/ singing and dance audition. I have cds and lozenges for vocal warm ups, etc etc.

Tomorrow we leave for Wisconsin....the beginning of the major decision points of my life.

current mood: content
current focus: college auditions/ prospect of seeing A

I feel elated, as if any problem I could have had was melted away by either A's e-mail or dance class. I had a meeting with K about my audition prep. We went through the Durang monologue for this week and next week's audition about 6 times. After the sixth time when she told me it still wasn't along the lines of what we were working towards, I replied I felt burnt out and needed an audience. She agreed and began to tell me everything I was doing well- pacing, delivery, believeablity, etc. Basically needing an audience to improve means I'm ready. And frankly, the thing that will make me stand out is my preparation. So my acting portion is taken care of.

Yet, I'm still feeling slighted about the singing, which is terrible since it should be my stronger ability. Unfortunately I've realized being in accapella choir (even though it is the best choir in the school) has given me bad habits I've never possessed. Of course I've known this for a long time, but it slaps me in the face last week at my voice lesson when C is correcting my too board vowels. God. So tomorrow when I have spare time during study hall and last block I'm bringing my music books and singing to try to find the voice I possessed last year during Fantastiks. I hope it works.

I'm very happy about seeing A. But also my focus is shifting to my auditions, as it should be. I will enjoy myself tomorrow at speech, but before and after I will be preparing for the audition. I also have to do a group dance audition. And I did have a good night at dance class. I've noticed turning out is more second nature to me and I was correcting form without too much trouble. Plus my memory was really sharp as well. So I was trying to file away all of the things we did during warm up so I can function at the group audition.

Oh, another good thing about the day. I finished my 4 paintings. I feel really good about them, the only downside is I might not have used all of the techniques...oops. But Mrs. G loves me and I was innovative, so maybe that will play to my advantage. And our next project is a painting of our choice for the remainder of the quarter. So many options....the possibilities are endless. Of course I have to be careful now that Mrs. B is back (not a big fan of avant garde). I wanted to paint my soul or something, but maybe I'll just take a picture and paint it in an extremely contemporary light. Not sure what I want to do yet....

more later

ok-lets face some facts....i'm a very private person by nature. and because i've been hurt from my vunerablities I've tried to remedy this by swinging to the extreme opposite (i've talked about my walls that shut people out). so this past weekend when i was caught up in swirls of passion from A, my walls started to crumble until they disappeared entirely...at first it scared me as it was happening, but then i trusted him completely and was blissfully happy.

then monday came, i told LK like a good friend....she was telling me A makes a good friend but there were many flaws in the relationship that she didn't see until after they spilt up....it was this that reminded of what i had done...i'd taken down my walls and felt naked and couldn't take that. so i begin to rebuild them. I tell A that we're moving too fast....i took back the "i love you" for now. Its probably there, but i'm too scared to admit it because we've been together for not even a week. he is hurt and we talk about this....but that night right before i got off the phone he started surmizing about various negativities which sounded a lot like how J broke it off with me. i went to bed with that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that i had after J dumped me.

tuesday...he's actually ok with this....admitted he thought about forgetting it...but we both decided to stick it out....

so we were analyzing the relationship last night....basically the flaw we both see is my insecurities....
see, A's has had a really hard life, harder than i can imagine....and because of that certain things that scare me he's learned to cope with very easily and isn't afraid of them....

and then there's the whole love thing...he was able to tell me how he knows he loves me....and the reasons sound similar to what i feel for him....being content when i'm not around him with that smile on my face, that knowing that everything will be ok...and being with him is utter bliss, or something to that effect.

so while i'm in my whirl of auditions, he'll be in the back of my head...i'll be wondering about this and trying to talk to him whenever possible. but my parents are afraid he'll effect my auditions because suddenly my focus is shifted....not so, i've worked too hard to drop it at the last minute. he doesn't want to get in my way, either. so i see him tomorrow at speech and then i'm gone for 3 weekends. i leave for wisconsin on friday.

i guess i'm still trying to protect myself, but i'm trying to rid my self of my fears gradually. and he understands. maybe this will last a long time.

PAST
-first grade teacher's name: Miss Donat
-last word you said: can't remember, the last time i spoke i was singing
-last song you sang: entirely, something out of my norah jones piano book
-last thing you laughed at: my memories
-last time you cried: two weeks ago when i worked myself into a frenzy about getting screwed over by the wizard of oz casting (i know its stupid)

.PRESENT.
-what's in your cd player: at the moment i'm listening to norah jones
-what color socks are you wearing: white
-what's under your bed: old art pictures i have no place for but can't bear to throw away
-what time did you wake up today: 9 am or there abouts

.FUTURE.
-what is your career going to be: hopefully an actress, preferably on the stage
-where are you going to live: wherever i can find work, most likely NY or London
-how many kids do you want: none or possibly one
-what kind of car will you drive: if i live in ny or london i don't want one....but if i can dream i want either a bmw, jetta, volvo, european type cars.

.CURRENT.
-current hair: recently colored slightly reddish brown and cut (i have bangs)
-current clothes: green v-neck and jeans
-current jewelry: none
-current annoyance: letting my emotions overthrow my logic
-current smell: A's cologne (i'm wearing his sweatshirt)
-current longing: easing my mind from my heart
-current desktop picture: dishwalla image from opeline cd
-current favorite music artist: modest mouse
-current book: not reading anything at the moment, something i really regret
-current worry: going too fast emotionally in a new relationship
-current hate: losing it as quickly as it came into my life
-story behind your username: artsygoddess- i'm completely devoted to the arts and i'm a goddess of them
-current favorite article of clothing: A's sweatshirt or my beret
-favorite physical feature on a girl: eyes
-one person you wish was here right now: A
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: k...now that we're on the same page...
-i am happiest when: i'm with A
-i feel lonely when: i'm alone with my practical thoughts
-favorite authors: Shakespeare, Madeline L'Engle, HG Wells
-do you think too much: yes, i over analyze things
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: boston
-famous person you have met: local news anchor i who was in The Fantastiks with me
-do you have any regrets: too many
-sex or love: love
-favorite coffee: anything with a bit of cream and sugar
-favorite smell: A's cologne, the hall
-what makes you mad: hasty judgements
-favorite way to waste time: blogging, surfing in general
-what is your best quality: my creativity
-are in currently in love/lust: yes, and i'm still determining whether it is love or lust
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: told someone i love them after being with them for 2 days
-any bad habits: my fears
-do you find it hard to trust people: i open up, then wish i hadn't- which only makes it worse for the next person
-last thing you bought yourself: hair gel, phone card, and a card for A
-bath or shower: Shower
-favorite season: early autumn
-favorite color: Black
-favorite time of day: evening
-gold or silver: gold
-any secret crushes: yes...but they've currently evaporated

.FASHION.
-how many coats and jackets do you own: about 3 or so
-do you wear a watch: no, actually i have one but i never wear it
-favorite pants color: denim, or other earth tones
-most expensive item of clothing: ahh, my peacoat?
-most treasured: A's sweatshit

.YOUR FRIENDS.
-do your friends know you: some more than others
-what do they tend to be like: Intelligent, caring, dependable
-can you count on them: Absolutely
-can they count on you: yes

.LAST.
-last book you read: A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle
-last movie you saw: Bend it Like Beckham
-last show you watched on tv: a bad sci fi movie with A in the umm tv lounge, but we didn't watch a lot of it
-last song you heard: currently listening to smile empty soul
-last thing you had to drink: water
-last thing you ate: cottage cheese and mandarin oranges
-last time you showered: this morning
-last time you smiled: can't remember, sometime today
-last time you laughed: see above
-last person you hugged: A
-last person you talked to online: currently talking to A
-last person you talked to on the phone: A

.DO YOU.
-smoke: No
-do drugs: No
-drink: no
-sleep with stuffed animals: no
-have a dream that keeps coming back: not really, but i was having a stream of kissing dreams
-play an instrument: piano and percussion
-believe there is life on other planets: Sure
-read the newspaper: when able
-have any gay or lesbian friends: yes
-believe in miracles: they may happen
-consider yourself tolerant: Yes
-consider police a friend or foe: neutral
-like the taste of alcohol: Not really
-have a favorite stooge: No
-believe in astrology: yeah, a bit of a horoscope nut
-believe in magic: yeah
-pray: in church
-go to church: yes
-have any secrets: Yes
-have any pets: a dog
-go or plan to attend college: college auditions start this weekend
-talk to strangers: yes, sometimes its quite amusing
-have any piercings: one hole in each ear
-have any tattoos: no
-hate yourself: Sometimes
-wish on stars: not really
-like your handwriting: quite a bit
-believe in witches: i play a witch and i have sisters, of course they're real
-believe in ghosts: we have ghosts in the play, too
-believe in santa: yes (even though santa is my mom)
-believe in the easter bunny: see above
-believe in the tooth fairy: she doesn't like me anymore
-have a second family: my theatre families
-sing in the shower: yes

good god, so much has happened to me in the past 2 days....

from the beginning, after last night's blog A came online, got my phone number, called it and we talked until 3 am. made plans to see each other today....so i spent today in morris at the coffee house, also quite a bit of time in my car

the weirdness/ goodness of it all....in the past 24 hours (because its been just barely over 24 hours that this started) i've spent nearly all my time with him in some way....so today he keeps telling me i'm beautiful, something i haven't heard in a long time and just generally how wonderful i am...i'm not used to complements of this kind....and he told me he loved me.

the concept of love freaks me out...i've said this before and i told him this last night....nevertheless....but then the odd thing, it kept creeping up on me, and i'm trying to fight it because i'm trying to avoid the pain i found myself in my last relationship....i kept wanting to tell him and wanting to acknowledge it to myself...so i ask him how he knows its love. "because nothing makes me happier than being with you at this very moment. i want to hold on to this forever and i want to care for you and comfort you and not hurt you at all. yeah, i'm living for the moment....but this feels so right. and i know what love feels like, and i know what lust and infatuation feels like." so he asks me what i'm thinking and i'm so scared to tell him, but i manage to....

so A and i are officially bf and gf....this is strange to suddenly have a bf in the span of 2 days, over valentine's day weekend. but he knows i'm terribly busy and accepts it...and we still have speech right now. but i really want mom to meet him so she can approve and trust me to do things with him. versus i met his dad, actually i met him yesterday at the speech meet, but i saw him today too and i can tell his dad accepts me...but i have a good repore (sp?) with adults in general

i just can't get over this....how many issues have i overcome in the past 2 days....suddenly i'm vunerable again, and i'm ok with it because i know A won't hurt me....he wants to marry me...asked me twice, but knew i wouldn't accept because of my position on marriage. i'm not sure if i should question his clingyness or be extremely happy that he is so confident in the relationship he thinks he can spend the rest of my life with me....i hope the latter. but i got over the love thing....i'm still unsure, but atleast i'm not the one out on a limb. all i know is i deeply care about A, i love his personality, i want to do everything in my power to make the relationship work, and still want to be his friend even if things don't work out- mainly because i can talk to him in a way i can only talk to the ppl i call my best friends. i couldn't lose that.

i suppose all of my blogs are going to sound one-sided because of A in my life now...i hope i won't be too sickening for anyone's reading....i'm extremely hypocritical about hearing solely about a person's signifcant other.

I'm not sure where to begin. Today was so weird. It makes me wonder what I would have done had i known what was going to happen today.

that said, i guess i should start from the beginning and tell it like i lived it without just the boring agenda.

today was the 2nd speech meet in the season....i arrive and am immediately greeted by LK's ex bf, A. i don't really recognize him right away because he's cut his extremely long hair. but eventually A and i end up talking to each other....we wander aimlessly around the school until first round. ironically we're both in the same category, but humerous is so large we're not in the same rounds. the talking was odd....it flowed very easily, yet in the back of my mind i kept thinking- this is LK's ex, is this right? (perhaps i knew then something was going to happen)

in between 1st and 2nd round i talked to an attractive boy from Breck about speech, whatever (the only competition i had in that round, actually in both rounds)...he leaves to eat and here comes A....once again we wander before settling in the classroom tacked to the end of the hallway. we sit on a desk side by side and talk about life until 2nd round. it is here that i start letting my guard down (something i don't do easily)....i trust A so much because he generally cares. i tell him things i would only tell S and L and things I've told no one, things in my blog. this is amazing, A is exactly what i've been seeking for the longest time....we have that connection.

2nd round ends....we go back to that spot in the classroom, but i'm tired so we sit on the floor in the corner and i bring my blanket because i'm wearing a dress. we end up cuddling, something i haven't had in such a long time and i've missed so much. oddly enough, A ends up with these groupies, 8th graders who won't leave us alone....to the point where i'm thinking, "maybe if we start making out, they'll leave" i feel so safe in arms....i feel like i can loose my walls and not worry about anything....i'm not afraid of getting hurt with A. because if anything more happened between us and it was taken away, we'd still be friends. we kiss....a sweet, loving kiss....completely unlike J who kept wanting more and taking it...A is so tender and caring, something i hadn't experienced in a long time.

we sat back there in the dark, just enjoying each other's company....kiss a bit, hold each other, talk about life....wonderful...something i've been wanting for a long time....but then the applause started coming from the auditorium. oh shit, awards started early. in the back of my mind i recall all of the speech make out stories and one girl missing awards. we go in and sit in the vicinity of my school, thank god they haven't called humerous yet.....i go up and get 4th again, but this time there are no ties....and my scores were better (1 & 2 ranking).

i don't know what i want to make of this yet....i'm apprehensive about committment for a few reasons

1. he is LK's ex...i know she won't mind, but its something i can't put aside
2. he's a sophomore, although we are the same age- today's his birthday
3. he lives 80 minutes from my house....we are the same distance from his school, just opposite directions
4. i'm not sure, but i don't think he drives

now i'm contemplating about taking him to prom....and he did ask me to a semi-formal dance, which i can't go to because i'll be in Il at my 2nd audition. i would take him, but again i'm wondering how that would fit with my friends...and the distance thing....plus quite a few ppl at school know him because of LK. i think i probably will since i don't have a lot of options and he is the coolest guy i've ever met.

the benefit of winter- getting out halfway thru the day....i'm at home trying to decide what to do with my free time...this idea popped into my head for a blog

what ifs

what if i acted out my delusional fantasies?

***
driving home from somewhere, school, play practice, whatever....late at night or possibly dusk...this urge comes over me to drive into the next car coming towards me and go hurling to my death.....or perhaps on one of the slightly dangerous curves near the lake not turning and instead fall into the icy waters....

***
run forever and ever until i can't move....i run to the top of a tall hill or incline....the view so breathtaking....and my fatigue from the run takes over and my body gives out....nothing but the air around me and i plunge downward

***
do nothing but sleep....i wake up, ponder, and go back to bed....i don't eat, i don't talk to anyone....just nothing but the comfort of sleep in my own bed

***
somehow manage to sneak off somewhere with B (a boy i know i should avoid for obvious reasons- for myself and for my reputation) go somewhere secretive in school during study hall and fuck

***
inflict pain on those who annoy me the most....suddenly their stupid words get to me and make me loose control.....wouldn't it be odd if i could pull out a gun and shoot them? blood oozes over their bleached blonde hair and ambercrombie clothes...their stupidity and ignorance silenced forever

***
stand up on a table at lunch and have a mental breakdown....do nothing but scream and curse until they take me away...those faces starrring in horror and myself so far removed from their presence that i'm trapped in my screams, not even hearing them anymore.....

**********************************************************************

my life is full of my superficial being....not sure why, but whenever life is good i tend to skim over everything and become what i often dislike, though i hope it would be a slightly more interesting person. it is only when i'm depressed that i examine life for what is beneath it.

and yes, life is good right now...days are long and full and tiring, but the content is happy and my fatigue subsides to my positive energy. school is easy and manageable. i'm painting everyday now, something i realized i need in order to function. those that i don't like are brushed aside because of their stupidity. i feel confident about auditions. we only have one more trial to win and the team can go to state (which we can win). i love my part in wizard. pep band is over forever.

i'm almost feeling manic depressive, which would probably be a stretch but it does run in the family. i'm a constant source of energy in a flurry of activites and tasks....yes, i'm tired but i must keep going.....it has been awhile since i've had a low point....so long that i can't recall one.

even so i'm somewhat annoyed with myself that i can't focus on things beneath the superficial. my entries are so dull.

Wow, my life is such a whirlwind of activity....not home at all yesterday and hardly at all today. But life is extremely good right now. Odd how I'm now really appreciating where I live and the bonds I've formed.

Explaination: Well, I just got back from the community theatre's annual meeting where they give out their own version of the Tony's. Yours truly was nominated for outstanding supporting actress. I thought I wasn't going to get it because I won last year and because I was up against really good people....but i did. Its a nice gesture seeing as I'll probably leave this area, never to return.

My other instance: I had to read the lessons in church today, no big deal. Of course I was so busy this week I managed to read the lessons through twice before speaking today. I did fine, its just pace and diction- but because I had to work in the kitchen i heard so many complements. It just made me really appreciate the small town values and things like that.

And people ask me about auditions and wish me well, believing they'll all be able to say "i knew her when". I admire their confidence in me. Sometimes I wish I believed as much as they do. But my confidence is getting better. Once again I made really good progress in my audition coaching today. Countdown to 1st audition: 12 days.

I'm feeling really nostalgic. Maybe I will miss home when I finally leave. Maybe I'll miss high school (or maybe not). But I'll probably miss my friends. I spent all day saturday with the one-act crew and that night with my senior friends. I've just begun to realize time is running out. I knew this would come, I've felt it ever since slh-realizing how little time we have left.

But nevertheless it is time for an ending, though not yet. I am moving on, I need to move on. My childhood will soon come to a close, with nothing but fading memories of the past- painful and not. How quickly time passes....

Came across this random list last night when I wrote in my journal. Thought I'd post it.

Random List dated January 25th, 2004

1. sleep
2. blanket
3. coffee
4. throat lozenges
5. slippers
6. downloading songs
7. black felt tip pens
8. poetry
9. photographs
10. funky glasses
11. scarves
12. dangly earrings
13. bowling shoes
14. hanging out in the sound booth
15. socialism
16. marxism
17. communes
18. equality
19. perfection destroyed
20. denial
21. ignorance
22. sex hair
23. incense
24. charcoal
25. skin
26. comics
27. red
28. tears
29. emptiness
30. mystery science theatre
31. Ray van
32. purple
33. saxophones
34. jazz
35. tea
36. Norweign music
37. blue hair
38. ming pai
39. accapella singing
40. campfires
41. monologues
42. ice cream
43. chopsticks
44. blogs
45. deeper connection

Strange where my train of thought takes me....i begin with random objects, then describe my pre-show idosyncracies....move into my industrial revolution discussions....but then I think of my ex and numbers 22-29 hurt like a death...then L and the theatre group...which brings me to S...suddenly the list is happy instead of painful.

But my ex has been in the front of my mind lately. I can't think of any explaination for it, save how we joked about seeing each other at certain speech meets. Well, one of those is in 2 weeks. What am I going to do if I see him? The oddity is I've been wishing for a boy solely for the physical, which is something I can get from him. If only I could separate my heart from the rest of me and not become attached. So if I was presented with the same opportunity to have what we had in Morris, I'd probably take it with slight hesitation. Of course, I have no idea if he'd comply. But I'd hate the thought of failing back into that trap. I'm not strong/ heartless enough not to become attached and just use him (even though it'd probably be mutual). Oh, but I mustn't worry about things that may not happen. Its probably better for me that it won't happen.

This sudden shift of thought to him makes me question whether or not I did love him. I thought no...but suddenly I'm not so sure. I still care about him after all this time...i'd never admit it, though. God...I need to move on and at least have a fling with someone else to get past this.

too many things....

we had sectionals in accapella choir today....which basically means the sopranos go in one cramped room with a piano and the altos into another....the sopranos actually work, while the alto will maybe manage to go through it once before wasting the rest of the time gossiping.

today was just such a time....me, the piano player, has my appointed place in the section....but the gossiping doesn't envolve me....these are the preppy/ popular girls i've spent the majority of my school career either sucking up to them in elementary or not giving a shit in high school. so today they're discussing college and marriage. marriage is so odd to be discussing when we're juniors and seniors in high school. but there's these disillusioned girls that think their boyfriends are going to be their husbands. god, how stupid....and i loved how the moral of the entire conversation was marry rich and you'll be successful in life......have they no motivation? do they plan to ride on their successful "husbands" coat tails? knowing these girls, probably.....but i roll my eyes on the inside and curse myself for having to spend 4 months with such idiots.

actually today i was on this major "i hate people" kick.....by i hate people, i don't mean a specific person or persons just people in general.....J asked me about this and i replyed with this example," pick a girl with dyed blonde hair that i don't like- their stupid statements (aka the next thing that comes out of their mouth) are what make me not like people" school is wearing me down. today was the first full day i've had in school all week. what the hell am i going to do when i don't have college auditions/ mock trial/ speech/ musical? go insane.

my only saving grace was 1st block-acryllic painting....and why? solitude and freedom to create....the art sub and i have this unconcious understanding (she's actually the retired art teacher i had in jr high) she leaves me alone and lets me paint whatever, however i want. meanwhile, she nitpicks all the other ammatures. i'm left to create in peace ...80 blissful minutes of painting and emptying my soul

i'm so tired right now....i wonder how many days i could sleep through if i had the opportunity....sounds very tempting at the moment