I'm in such a weird mood. I feel as if my my mind is detached from my body. I've been walking around in a daze trying to find myself. I don't know what to do....I have to be at the theatre at 1 for the last show....I'm still in my pajamas and what little breakfast I ate is gone.

I don't know what to make of anything. I frustrated with my D predicament. He didn't come to the cast party last night, and for some reason that really upset me. Nothing's happened since I confronted him last week. I think I might have to confront him again. For some reason I had a dream about him last night. Such a strange dream, too. I kissed him and then he framed me for possessing alcohol, what the hell? My dreams are so odd, I never used to remember them. Now I can remember 1-2 every night. Am I supposed to learn anything from them?

Today's the last time I'll run into him. Every other time after this will have to be arranged. I getting tired of this. Yeah, I want to go out with him and get to know him, etc....but if he keeps doing nothing about it, I'll get bored and move on. Or atleast, I'll stop pursuing him. Goddamn, I hate this. He does have me wrapped around his finger, which I absolutely despise. I don't like being in this position, I'm too vunerable.

Let me hide behind my walls. It took me so long to construct them. I need these walls, or else I'll get hurt again. I don't want to take them down for him. I want him to climb my walls. I want him to come to me....I sound so horribly selfish.

I suppose I should shower. I'll wash away this cloud of fatigue and confusion. Or perhaps not, perhaps it will only sharpen my instincts. Even so....I must get out of these pajamas.

Can't think intelligently anymore. I hate this, for some reason I can never work on weekends...actually I can't seem to work at all- ever. So I'm downloading pictures and whatever, trying to do something with my time so I don't feel guilty about not working. Damn.

Maybe this is purely a psychological thing. I think I don't have the mental capacity to right well, so my head gives up and I'm stuck in my coma of laziness. This seems to happen whenever I try to work. What is my problem? Ok, so maybe I don't have any motivation. My motivation ran out after 1st quarter. So now I have to make it through the rest of the year and actually do well. I claimed I could get a 4.0 for the year, and I did for 1st quarter. So now that I'm not working at all, just enough to get by....what the hell is going to happen? Yeah, I've been accepted by 3 of my 4 schools. I'm still waiting for a response from the 4th. I don't need my credits, just soc/ econ which I'm taking in the spring. Everything else is just filler. I thought they would be fun classes, but they're not.

I hate school. Just let me graduate already. My brain has been working so long in these damned institutions that it gives out earlier and earlier each year. I think last year I was able to make in until Christmas. The only thing in school at present would be one-act. Mock Trial isn't even fun at the moment.

I need to leave. Why can't it be next year? My classes will be completely different. I'll have to study theatre, dance and voice instead of mostly academic stuff. I'd like that much better. I've written way too many papers. They all sound the same. Yeah, I can analyze and all that crap. I just don't want to anymore. I give you bullshit, you give me an A and we're all happy.

I need an escape. Unfortunately the theatre won't totally cut it. Its the rehearsal process that makes me escape life better. I know the performances are the best part. But last week just seemed to drag on an on. And its was only a 3 day week. I think it did because I didn't have to go to play practice. I need a vacation- to travel to some far away place. I know I'll get that in February when I have to audition for colleges. God, I'm so behind on that. I've lost my copy of Merchant of Venice, which I was supposed to re-read multiple times before the end of this week. Memorization is scary right now....

I wish there was some way I could erase all the things I had to worry about. Actually I just wish it were summer, because I'm sure everything will sort itself out. I'll get through my classes with good enough grades. I'll make it through the year with all of its activities and auditions. I'm wondering if I'll have a good experience I'll want to remember. I always feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. All of this extra stuff is just work. I'm doing it because I've always done it and I've convinced myself I can't give it up. I wonder what would happen if I dropped out of everything, just to save my sanity. But then where would I be? I've thought about this before, what do I do if I don't have extracurriculars? Its not like I have a vibrant social life. So what do I do instead, sit at home and watch television? No....so I don't do anything. I keep going through the motions.

My paper still awaits. I'm halfway through, but maybe I can procrastinate some more.

Trying to do some pre-write thing. I have to write a whole bunch of essays....basically 1 essay, 2 intro hooks/ conclusions....and a big ass paper. I'm just trying to write off the top of my head to get myself in the frame of mind.

Thoughts to get out of my mind: I'm plagued by what to do about D. I found his e-mail in a mass e-mail to the cast. I'm wondering if I should add him to messenger first. Well, I probably shouldn't.....once again don't want to be the vunerable trying too hard one. Maybe I'll be able to talk to him at the cast party tonight. I hate his nonchalance about this, or rather I envy him for it. I wish I could be nonchalant about it. I guess this lack of people interaction is getting to me. Maybe I should strengthen my friendships....I only see them in school, and even then we just eat lunch with each other or talk in between classes.

I'm so closed off from people I'm focusing my energy on him. This is bad- I think it has something to do with the emotional baggage of the last breakup/ relationship. I keep having these dreams of making out with boys. I had one about J (my ex) sometime last week. It was basically like what we used to do, except in someplace I'd never been to. All I remember is the room was blue. I think it was a bedroom.....J's room was red, it couldn't have been the same place. Then I had that dream about B, and another about P. Strange, I can't remember having any dreams about kissing boys before, then suddenly they all happen in 3 weeks. What does that mean? Am I starved for affection or something?

Well, I suppose I should start writing my stupid essays/ papers. It really shouldn't be so bad as long as I don't have writer's block.

For some reason I always feel the need to do something after every performance. I'm not content with just going home, even though I am tired and need sleep. So I guess I'm trying to fill that void with the computer. I type my thoughts to replace talking to someone. But perhaps talking to someone would spoil my fun, unless they were an intelligent, humorous individual.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do at the moment. I absolutely hate it when my mom reads over my shoulder. I guess I just don't want her to read this, like I wouldn't want her to read my journal.

I feel like being an insomniac. Which probably wouldn't be a good idea, because I ought to finish my homework I've been putting off for a week and a half. I love faraway deadlines. Maybe I should draw until the early hours of the morning just to feel like I'm doing something good for my soul.

I think I'm avoiding my current issue. So again tonight I hang around so I can talk to D. He did say we were going to go out sometime, and I guess I wanted to know what he thought about it. We talk for 2 minutes on the way to our cars, and he asks for my e-mail. I guess that's part of the reason why I'm on the computer, incase he might add me to msn or something. But no avail. I'm hating my position in this situation. I hate being the one who wants it more, which is the vibe I'm getting. I guess that's because I think I'm more vunerable, which is the last thing I want. God dammit, I wish I knew what he thought of this. I feel like I'm the only one that wants anything to happen, and he's got me wrapped around his finger. He kind of does in a sense. Has he done anything for me? No. I'm the one who brings him pie at intermission. I'll admit its more convient, because I'm the waitress handling food. But did he wait for me, no I waited for him. And he seemed to be moving pretty slowly. I should play hard to get or something....or atleast wait for him to come to me. I don't want to be in this position.

2 more shows, and then I potentially won't see him again. Hopefully that won't happen. I think things might get better after our date (whenever that might happen). We've hardly talked to each other just because of circumstances. But whenever we do conversation flows pretty easily.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep....or pretend to. Homework and another performance await me tomorrow. And the cast party. He said he was going....hmmm?