lalalalalalalala suddenly i'm stir crazy, which makes no sense because i'm free of high school forever....yay, its almost noon and i'm sitting at my computer instead of in study hall. anyway, currently alone with my own antics and procrastination because when mom comes home it 'twill be nonstop cleaning....cleaning!....nooooo!

i should eat food...it is lunchtime after all...perhaps food will get me out of this bizarre surge of energy that i should be channelling into something productive (man, major esp vibes coming from mom "clean the bathroom, clean your room, do laundry, wash dishes...") yes, food sounds quite enjoyable right now. perhaps i'll be able to scrounge something from the refridgerator amidst the 5 heads of lettuce.

only a matter of hours until small children inhabit my house for 3 days. xiao haizi (hey, chinese...probably spelled incorrectly, but who cares?)

i was at school for 2 hours this morning...good thing of that 2 hours: having T play "Wonderful Tonight" on the guitar one last time before we're gone forever...oh, and onstad can pronounce my middle name correctly....but then again he's practiced saying it every time he sees me for the past 2 weeks....such a funny man

modest mouse rocks my world!

Today's agenda:
AM- Study for finals...ahhh
lunch with Mom
Afternoon- pop culture and sociology finals (which weren't that bad)
voice lesson
PM- 1st grade reunion/pizza party

Countdown to graduation: about 36 hours
Countdown to 18th birthday: less than 1 week

Current thoughts: trying to get my parents to let me go on weeklong camping trip with A and friends. impending graduation and the stuff i have to accomplish. actual sentimentatlities of graduation will come later.

*out of my entire class i'm going the furthest away for college....cheap thrill

i have this urge to walk outside in the darkness just after the rain....you know, i've always had this fantasy of being kissed in the rain- something from the movies i guess...

this post has been rather random, like my thought process....perhaps i will take that walk outside in the freshly fallen rain

I seem to be lapsing into my nocturnal state during summer not yet summer. Senior camp out was rained out. I went home at 3:00, or rather I went to B's and spent the night along with the rest of the crew. The last day of school tradition, so now I'm acknowledging school being over despite having to study for my finals (grr) and all the grad stuff. But at least I can get up late tomorrow and take my finals when I get there.

A brought up this beginning of the summer camping trip they do every year. I really, really want to go but because its a week, unsupervised, and on foot I'm wondering if they'll consent. It'd be an awesome way to spend my birthday. Maybe they'll let me. I just remembered I have an ortho appointment on my birthday (grr) so possibily I could reschedule. And my parents were tenatively talking of taking me to pirates of penzance at the guthrie that weekend. So perhaps if we went from Monday to Thursday or Friday?

Hmm...i meant to write something good, but this isn't turning out at all....ah well, back to studing..

My invisible list continues to be checked off: baccalaurette, band concert,last real day of school, dance recital, and soon enough- senior campout, finals, grad practice, graduation, open houses, memorial day concert.....fin de siche, the end of an era....for better for worse, but its time to move on.

i find it strange after all of this end of the year stuff I then turn 18, as if the progression to my age of adulthood would be complete after this high school stuff. just an irony.

it hasn't hit me yet...i don't know when it will, perhaps when its all over. i've had moments: end of mock trial, wizard cast party, being at A's concerts, today when it was the last time i sang with the sr choir, that car ride home from morris friday night... slowly, its coming.

its funny, i got into a somewhat indepth conversation with B yesterday during the dance recital...A had temporarily left for some reason. we got of the subject of me dating A and if i always date sophomores (no). for some reason i found myself telling her i could marry him, in 5 years, 8, 10 years...not now. right now is not the time in my life for deep commitment, now is a time for independence and carving my own identity. it was odd to have expressed that sentiment, the fact that it came out unconciously means this is real.

It's happening, as much as I didn't think it was going to, as much as I don't want it to, here i am.....emotion surging through me, missing the people, the memories, the walls. So tomorrow's my last official day of real high school. Granted I have to come back Monday for senior campout, wednesday for finals, thursday for grad practice and checkout, and even next monday for memorial day concert.....but it's almost gone. Funny, me the one trying to get out for two years.

I almost broke tonight. B-low was announcing the music awards. John Philips Sousa goes to...JB, one of my best friends. I totally knew she'd get it. As I'm watching her walk up there to recieve it, tears begin coming to my eyes. She comes back to the timpanis and I hug her and almost start crying. I go up there to recieve the outstanding musician award, come back and she gives me a hug. Saying exactly what I said to her, "I knew it was going to be you. It could only be you." We have our photo op, multiple hugs....and the realization of me leaving JB and everyone else hits like a brick wall. goddamn, I'm actually going to miss high school.

then last night at baccalaurette....the entire class goes through this senior recognition ceremony. we've written down all of our accomplishments, our scholarships and future plans. one by one we stand center stage, our list being read, recieving our congratulations. I get up there and Mr. N asks me to "do the witch". I reply, " Do you want me to cackle?" So I cackle just like in Wizard....get my laughs, Mr. N also emphasized my outstanding witness performance at state...gapped at my scholarship award. Plus, I'm going the furthest away in my class for college (some little thing I wanted.)

Another chapter about to close in my life. It just took me awhile to realize I liked it.

I've spent the last 15 minutes wasting time reading random blogs when I should be getting sleep.

Interesting/ good things that happened today. (In no particular order)

1. My MASLC stuff came today...music, frumpy jumper uniform thing, list of ppl in the choir.
2. escaping the last half of last block to go to the dark room.
3. my conversation with D about his communist communes latched on to capitalist society and the creation of "dan-ism".
4. giving away almost all of my senior pictures
5. accidently finding out i'm recieving the "outstanding musician award"
6. having a picnic with A
7. going to part of A's band concert. it made me happy that i have one left.
8. working really hard in dance and accomplishing something
9. playing DDR in acapella choir
10. sending my schedule for fall semester via e-mail to my advisor
11. the fact that i only have 4 real days of school left

With each passing day this chapter in my life draws to a close. Friday night will probably be our last party with my group of friends before grad...the last one that we'll probably be all together. It was the same as all the others, but that's what made it good. Senior recognition sunday was today....it was funny because i was surrounded by the youth in my church that i dislike...that opinion was reaffirmed today.

But the countdown is on....5 days left...senior campout next monday and i have to take finals wednesday (grr) graduation a week from friday.

when i started writing this a half an hour ago i had completely different thoughts running through my head. now that i've been sidetracked, i just want to quickly type the main points and sleep.

strange oddity: apparently all state lutheran choir sent a list of everyone's emails. i haven't recieved it yet, but i've had 4 ppl add me to msn and 2 sent me e-mails. good, i suppose. a rather welcoming an enthusiatic group i guess. ah well, maslc should be fun.

A small snippet of my conversation with L concerning religion.

L: em, I'm bored

E: really?...i've been meaning to have a religion discussion with you

L: well, please do!

E: have you ever gone through a period where you tend to stray from your religious upbringing?

L: ....sometimes I think my entire life is that period

L: having difficulties being christian or just lutheran?

E: i'd say christian....its mainly a belief in higher power or the envolvment...i call myself a borderline agnostic

L: another question: have you recently made friends with anyone of different religious background

E: yes, A's religion is labeled as paganism but this happened before that

L:well, to get to the point of the issue this would be a doubt of faith, correct?

E: i suppose...although lately i've slightly changed my perspective

L: what is the new perspective?

E: i dislike religion that is based on rules

E: i dislike religion that tells you what to believe and feeds you the bible and its interpretations like its propaganda

L: "organized religion"

L: It's difficult to avoid though

E: of course....see, i really like our church because belief in rules and interpretation isn't forced down our throat....what is taught are principles of humanity and how jesus/ god have done that for us

L: I went throught this point where I decided that organized religion was not the thing for me but I would still have faith

E: yes, i agree...but organized religion, or rather belonging to a congregation, enforces the spirituality...i've noticed my adult support system in church

L: agreed, if you look at it the right way human contact enforces spirituality

.....
L: therefore, you have to work out how God fits into your own personal "big-picture" and deal with the fact that you were raised christian and baptised and are going to heaven but poor little Pi over in India was raised Hindu and will suffer in Hell

L: or he'll just become a priest in the next life wereas your soul will have to cross it's fingers that it's born Hindu next time

E: i think god, or rather the higher power, is universal and no one should be condemned to hell because of their religion or lack thereof

L: then I'd say you're on the right track for becoming a slightly less conformed christian

once again, here I am caught between this stage and the next. my current focuses; graduation stuff and registration for fall semester. and then there is A. odd, i'm focusing so much at wrapping up my loose ends and doing things a few more times before i leave this place at this stage of my life forever. if and when i return it won't be the same because i will have changed. i go through school finishing schoolwork, preparing for my last choir and band concerts. sending out my grad invitations and taking care of that stuff. I realize my time with these people is limited, so i find my social life actually existing. 2 parties this weekend with 2 different groups of people, something unusual for me.

summer....i spend 3 weeks in an elite choir and tour the state. possibily i'll be continuing voice lessons. I'll spend time with A and hopefully with my school friends. maybe i'll drive to sioux falls and see L a few times. hopefully, we'll make the trek to I-day 2nd session. things that i want to do one last time before i leave mid august.

and then a...its funny, i was prepared to separate because that would be best for the both of us. even though the time when we have to part is far in essence and i don't want to think about it now. i've heard too many instances of relationships not working when one or both go to college. and i'm going so far away in relation to home. but i mention the subject just to see his take on it. he sounds so optimistic. "i'll be here for you. i'll wait. i don't want to hold you back from your dreams and i'm not going to." i know all this. and i don't want to lose him. so i ask my self why we should part: no reason, other than the distance thing. every other part of me is bursting with reasons why i shouldn't. so i'll put off the decision, because its something i don't want to think about until at least august. i guess its just a decision i don't want to make because i'm torn.

My fatigue must be setting in when I can't send a simple e-mail. Ahh. Anyway, I spent most of my night at Lil Abner auditions with dad as his accompianist. But typical me, I kept wanting to get up and audition, too, because I could do it better (or I thought I could). But I kept telling myself that's why you're going to college for this. But I could have easily been Daisy Mae out of that group. Meanwhile, my dad will probably get Pappy Yokum.

But my advisor, who also happens to be the head of the musical theatre departement, sent me the 2204-2005 season. There are 2 plays where I have a shot at a principle/lead role. Especially the fall musical. I have no idea if I have a chance, but at least the possibility is there.

Well, tomorrow is officially my 3 month anniversary with A. It doesn't sound like a milestone, but 3 months is the longest I've been with a guy. 2 years ago I wanted out of the relationship by halfway through the 2nd month but held on until after his birthday. Now its 3 months and I don't want it to end. This makes me really happy, because I thought I was incapable of commitment. Too independent or looking for extremely high expectations or bored easily or something like that. So tomorrow I'll spend the evening with A. I'm so excited to see him. Its funny about A but this entire relationship just seems right. We're suited for each other in a way that I can't explain conciously. He just makes me feel blissfully happy.

Ah, but enough of this love stuff that's probably making you puke....or sigh in A's case. I need sleep.

For some reason I've been doing these mindless, busy, but enjoyable tasks ever since I got home. School was easy, seeing as I went to only 1st and last block...excersised my okayed absence to the point of playing a little harmless hookie. I get out of my appointment an hour before I'm supposed to meet the choir. Instead of going back for lunch, I spent my last 4 dollars on a sandwich and juice. I drive to one of the parks and sit in my car, eating my sandwich, reading and listening to MPR for about an hour or more. I needed that bit of solitute and escape from the institution which normally grates on my nerves and well-being by this time of year.

I spend my free time after my run working on A's present. I do spend some time working on my graduation invitations...but my last 2 questions on my pop culture worksheet and studing for my photography quiz have yet to be completed. Oddly enough I'm moving into my summer mode hours, but I seem to be able to rise with the sun without too much trouble. How long will that last? But I have energy now, which is what is important.

Sociology was interesting today as we spent the last half of the block discussing our parenting techniques. After the discussion in purely hypothetical terms, I realize my parents are rather lenient. Supposing your 15 year old daughter wants to date a junior in high school, would you let her? "no way" hehe, I did that. Supposing your 15 year old son wants to date someone older....a soph dating a senior....well, that would be my current situation except A is 17 and now I'm still 17. I express this to mom who replies this just seems extreme because of the hypothetical. In reality I'm not a bad kid who abuses priviledges. The least I do is bend curfew slightly. Besides, it makes you wonder what some of my classmates have done to want to punish their future children so severely.

Why do I feel as if I have all these little things creeping up on me and I don't have time to finish them? Not sure how to explain that...but I'm sure I'll manage.

Now is one of those time where I feel like posting but have no idea what to write. Solution? addictive e-mail survey things. Hopefully I haven't posted this one before.

THE BASICS
1.Name: Emily
2.Birthday: June 2, 1986
3.Age: 17
4.Zodiac Sign: Gemini
5.Where you live: Elbow Lake
WHAT
6.If all of a sudden you had the ability to do one thing better than everyone else, have one amazing talent, what would it be? be the best actor/singer/dancer ever
7.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change (personality and looks)- personality; this annoying habit of striving for perfection and wearing myself down with overanalysis looks; great skin without the aid of perscriptions...but actually i'm rather happy with my looks
8. What is your dream career? – tony award winning actress
9.What is the one thing you just have to do before you die? travel
10.If you could be a member of any band that has ever existed, what band would that be? Modest Mouse or Renaissance
11.What is the thing you care about most in your life? the people close to me
WHICH ONE
12.winter or summer? summer because of not being in school and being carefree....but I am a minnesotan and i actually like winter
13.the beach or the mountains? mountains because i'm easily sunburned
14.pop or punk? Punk
15.rock or rap? Rock
16.New York or L.A.? NY, i'll probably end up living there
17.milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Dark
18.dogs or cats? large loving dogs and cats
19.Britney or Christina? neither
20.leno or letterman? i don't really watch the late night talk shows, but i like letterman's top 10 lists
21.mtv or vh1? vh1 i guess, but i haven't watched either in many years
22.country or classical? classical
23.day or night? i'm quite nocturnal
24.lake or ocean? ocean just because its more picturesque...but tubing/waterskiing on a lake is cool
25.waffles or pancakes? Waffles because pancakes are overrated
26.soccer or football? Soccer
27.baseball or swimming? Swimming, i guess...i'm not a big fan of either
28.chocolate or vanilla? ah...depends on my mood
29.sugar or spice? Sugar
30.grisham or canyon vista? wtf?
31.eminem-please stand up or please shut up? Please shut up
RANDOM
32.If you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be? any katherine hepburn movie....eliza doolitle in my fair lady...the girl who played amelie poulain in amelie
33.If you could design your perfect mate what would he/she look like and be like? artistic/creative/general appreciation of the arts, intelligent, philosophical would be a plus, kind/nice/ sensitive/ etc, motivated/ambitious, as far as looks good i'm not that picky- normally i'm draw to guys with longish dark hair, in shape, intense eyes, generally pleasing to the eye
34.If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars? pay for college....by an apartment in a prime location and try to make it in the acting world without worrying about staravation and homelessness, oh and travel when i feel like it
35.What is the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? ahh....plenty, i can't think of a specfic thing that stands out
HAVE YOU EVER
35.fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking? most likely
37.run into a wall? walls, doors, trees....
38.sleep walked? mom claims i have
39.gone skinny-dipping? No...i should
40.kissed someone of the same sex? ah, no
41.snuck out of the house at night? No
42.gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver? been in the ditch twice with minimal damage to my car....oh and i hit a pheasant once and it was wedged behind my bumper
43.laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out your nose? ah...i don't think so
44.started laughing really hard so you just spit out what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow? yes
45.swallow a bug? Yes
46. have you ever actually kept a new year's resolution? if so what was it? see post dated January 1, 2004 or something close to it....i've kept quite a few i believe

i'm thinking i've posted this awhile ago...it seems awfully familiar....ah well, hopefully the answers have changed

things that made me happy today:

1. oddly enough, scrapebooking in photography instead of going to the dark room
2. reading or leafing through The Oxford Book of English Verse and having ppl ask me what i'm reading because it looks like the bible.
3. being able to eat an apple not cut up without using a spoon....haven't done that in 2 years
4. prospect of seeing A and his friends and reading poetry
5. listening to modest mouse
6. D and his awesome $1 green shirt from savers
7. reading the script for fame during choir
8. listening to the rest of the band play pomp and circumstance and the resessional and know that grad is that much closer
9. going home after school and taking a nap
10. this bohemian vibe that i've put into today's outfit which is making me resemble julia stiles from 10 things I hate about you
11. having the house to myself

how does one write about emotion? can one describe it? i think i'm going to try...single words to phrases to pictures describing something close to how i feel.

nature
hillside
coffee
park
sunshine
vending machines
practice room
pit
couches
front seat of car
cats
enveloped in arms
feeling safe and secure,
taken care of
no harm to befall me
trust...complete trust
time stops (even though i keep looking)
i want to smash time and make it go away
bathed in smiles and "i love you"s
"you're beautiful"
"you're wonderful"
"let's get married"
light shining on his face
and yours
a glow coming from the sun...and something within
what's within? contentment?
love? trust?
a fairy tale, novel, movie....is this real?
yes, it is
flying above my life
above my stress, depressions, anxieties
creating something
painting a relationship, something beyond
dare i say it, soulmates??
falling deeper and deeper
but i'm not really falling, i'm flying
perfection attained...but its not perfection, we're still human
i'm still human....but its good and pure
the world just feels...right
i feel right
i feel
i me myself....but happier because of him
full of life because of him
i have given part of myself
and in return part of myself has grown
still growing
growing
maybe this is what it means?

Things that have amused me today:

1. This unrealistic budget at age 20 and 35 for sociology. I come back to class having no idea what they're discussing. While talking about the age 35 budget factors for the entire block....discussing how many kids you have, what you're doing and how much money you're going to make, etc. For expenses my classmates are discussing daycare for their 2-3 kids and I'm sitting there thinking, "Hell, am I even going to be married when I'm 35? I know I probably won't have kids." So as I'm drawing up my budget tonight I take a completely different spin- I'm going to be a working actress (under actor's equity...yeah!) living in say, Chicago....I don't have to worry about a mortage, loan, car, car insurance, etc because I live in an apartment and I take public transportation...eat that. I don't pay daycare and all that shit because I'm not married and I don't have kids! I'm living as extravagently as I can on my pretty ok salary. Ah, what a wonderful life I'll have at 35 compared to my classmates struggling to make ends meet in the suburbs with their 3 montrous suvs and ridiculously expensive house, not to mention the terrible price of daycare. Haha, you'll be divorced before you're next birthday.

2. TC, my favorite mock trial/social studies/high school teacher, has taken to getting up on his (liberal) soap box during pop culture pertaining to the War in Iraq and his high opinion of Bush. I attend a school that is mostly conservative minded, except the teachers- oddly enough, so it was a nice change to be in a room full of vocal liberals. So we're discussing how we can fight this war. We can't really, its an invisible force that Bush has shifted the label to finishing his father's business. And T's spouting off his theories of Bush being an ideal target for the terrorists because he's a dumb ass...no he didn't say it, but he implied it. Bush is the ultimate figure head to direct their American slander. They can point to Bush and say, this is why you should hate America because look at who they have running their country. Their country is run by a man who believes his nation is so strong they have to police everything and they can alienate the UN and all of their allies because, dammit, the US is better than any nation in the world. We compare this war to Vietnam and how we are realizing this war has become hopeless and there is no support to patriotism anymore....how to pull out gracefully (if that's possible). TC tells us he theorizes some big terroristic action is going to take place near re-election (Sept 11 perhaps?). The country will do what it has proven to do in the past, rally around their nation's leader in a crisis thereby securing Bush's place for re-election. You can almost see American money being slipped under the table to the terrorists.....damn Iraqi's, Saddam's still at large, Osama! We wave our American flags and Bush rides the waves of patriotism to the White House. I hope it won't happen, but T sounds so right.

I'm already shifting to my summer routene. Having been sick, its been sort of easy to forget school and the schedule I inhabit. So I'm thinking I have hours ahead of me when in really I have about 2, if I want a reasonable amount of sleep. Ahh, I'm ready to be out of school...3 weeks...3 weeks and I'm out of there forever. So I motivate myself to study for my econ test, because I will not have enough time next week to write the 5 page, 3 source, MLA citations extra credit paper when I haven't picked a topic. Grr, school. Summer will come soon enough and what a glorious summer this one will be. Gone away and learning about life beyond here....preparation for my life away from home in college for the next phase of my life.

I want that carefree attitute, that laid back schedule....they way everyone just seems less stressed because the weather is nicer and the days seem to go on forever. I want the freedom to stay up until 2 am for whatever reason and then sleep until 11. I want L to be home so we could make that trek to I-Day and then some. But most of all I want that structure of school gone and out of my life forever......college will prove to be a completely different structure.

I want to be more artistic this summer.....to paint, draw, express myself with some creative outlet. Its only fair...like a present to my soul.....my soul which has been pushed too far too many times to count this year. This academia has worn me down, still continues to wear me down even though the work isn't strenuous. Wouldn't it be interesting if you could somehow measure what I've learned through this stack of papers, tests, and worksheets? Probably not much.

Picture poster board finished, yes! Oh, oh and I'm not sick, score! I woke up feeling refreshed and energized. I went to dance and functioned pretty well. It felt so good to move my stiff and cramped muscles. I felt like I was actually dancing well. I went to where A was staying and found out he'd left that morning after he went somewhere and came back (solo ensemble, I was supposed to be there). I figure, I'm already halfway to his house, so I get in the car and drive the extra 30 minutes to Milan....hehe, leaving little regard for telling my parents where I'm going and that it takes slightly over an hour to get home. So, I left the house at 12:15 and it is now 2:30.....perhaps if I stay for an hour I'll get home at 5:15. But Mom wasn't annoyed when I called. And it was so wonderful to see A. I missed being in his arms, which was all that I was longing for when I was sick. I spent the entire hour curled up in his arms. And I have dance twice next week.

I get home and spend the better part of the evening working on my poster. It looks rather nice but here again it's interesting what I chose to put up. I have this huge gap between my younger years and now. I have no pictures of my school friends after elementary school. While I have a corner devoted to chinese camp friends. I have pictures of myself and each of my 3 good friends from camp. And I have one of Lesli and me. Then the top corner is all of these recent production shots......hmm. I call this a very accurate picture of my life. Mom was wondering if my friend would get offended. Honestly I don't have any recent pictures of them. I don't carry a camera. I don't own a camera.

But I should go to bed. I am just prattling about nonsense anyway.