Wow, its been awhile....actually, I'm not home yet. I finally have time online to do more than just check my e-mail. I'm taking advantage of this.

MASLC: we are currently halfway through our 10 days on tour. I'm getting a little worn because the going seems endless. We wake up semi-early, get on a bus and drive for a few hours, stop for food and entertainment for the afternoon, arrive at the church and rehearse, eat and get ready, perform, and go with our host families....and we repeat this everyday for 10 days. except we have 3 concerts on sunday.

the people here are really awesome and i can't believe i've experience a camp bond closer than sen lin hu....its really close but i think its the religion thing and working as a team more than an individual that makes it possible.

but i feel like i'm giving too much of a broad overview....later

I've come to the conclusion I've been awfully silent for the longest time. Reason, I have no idea other than I have nothing to voice. The only thoughts running through my head concern A and me completing things before I leave for the remainder of the month. My thoughts do not seemingly stray from either subject. So why am I silent? Silent in words....I think in feelings....or rather I act on feelings. I convince myself I'm happy and stress-free, feelings I don't often experience. Am I lying to myself, no...but all the same doesn't it suck when my only good thoughts stem from depression and self-loathing?

So am I downplaying happiness and freakish organization and obsessive complusive tendencies? In this instance my will to well and not make a fool of myself concerns something I don't mind preoccuping my time. Hey, I can learn somewhat challenging music just fine without complaint. Anyway, is happiness overrated? No, perhaps just unappreciated. All the same I feel fake. As if being truly happy makes me plastic. Like I have a molded smile with painted on emotions. A frozen being. What the hell does this mean? Ah, typical me....no you can't just be satisfied, can you? No...not at all, when you think your happy you being to think too much and convince yourself its wrong or something. Why? Why, do you do this to yourself? There is nothing wrong with being happy. Nothing...so just stop this and be happy.

What do you want, something bad to happen to take you out of this blissful state? No. But...but....

What the hell is running through my mind?

Legitimate reasons why I am happy:
1. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in my entire life. (I could further elaborate, but I'll save the sappy couple stuff)
2. No more high school to worry about.
3. I have a future, a plan, a place to go this fall and then some.
4. My parents are letting me do as I please.
5. I'm about to go off and be in a group of some of the best high school vocalists in Minnesota.

So what's the problem? There isn't any.

odd...A and i have been trying to force conversation over msn. for some reason neither of us can come up with anything good to say. me...i feel like i can't think, i keep looking outside and want to go for a walk. i want A to be here with me, for i'm far too lazy and mentally dead to force intelligent conversation. actions speak louder than words, i guess....or rather i hope so in my case.

actually, i seem to be beyond intelligent thought right now. i guess life is rather boring at the moment. i have no new ideas. i do things, but i'm just living in the present and the tasks. eh, not caring...what's the use of thinking i have to come up with something interesting to write in here (it'd be nice, but who's reading this?)

current interesting things in my life: i'm spending the night at A's house tomorrow. it was easier than both he and i anticipated with parental permission. maslc is looming...3 more days, i think. completeing my designated tasks, etc.

god, i'm boring...ah well...gone for three weeks in a matter of days...new people, new experiences....something other than these boring posts

My energy has evaporated with the sun. Here I sit in the darkness, the only light from the brightness of the computer screen. My invisible list of things to do before I leave: 1. music- hard core 2. thank you's 3. laundry/ packing 4. misc errands.

ahh...head...tired, slightly dehydrated

random facts/ interesting tidbits of today:
-i traveled over 300 miles today via JB's white van
-some creepy guy hit on me at a rest area...."i remember that skirt from 20 miles back" i wasn't out of the van 20 miles back...aahhh
-frappiccino makes me happy
-modest mouse kicks ass! i finally bought their new cd as a birthday present to myself
-i suck at foosball, also volleyball
-my sunglasses are broken
-my current posts are not interesting to read...ah well

Countdown to departure: 6 days.

Ah, the lazy days of summer. I can't seem to remember doing anything, yet all the same I'm tired and felt busy by the end of the day. If I've been bored, that's quickly elasped. Some mystery of summer. I went on a random buying spree today. Nice luggage, men's pajama pants, stuff from target....I realized I live very much in the present right now. When I'm alone with my thoughts I'm no longer plagued by what I have to get done. No, instead they often drift towards A and that feeling of warmth he told me about long ago when I was still afraid of love, sets in.

I'm thinking back to that conversation. I can't remember where it happened. Perhaps I was in Boston, chatting over msn....or was it a phone conversation when I returned? I was still afraid of love because of what broke me and made me vunerable last summer. I was slow to love because of that fear. I asked A, how do you know if its love? His answer will stick with me forever. "Lust feels like something sharp, a point, and it will eventually subside at about 2 weeks. Love, on the the other hand, feels round. You think about that person and you don't just want them or long for their presence. Instead you feel warm and content. But in reality, you'll never truly know you love them until after you have parted."

Material things that made me happy today:
1. colorful beaded necklaces
2. men's pajama pants
3. novels
4. cheese and crackers

somehow all the stress and anxiety of the school year seems to have evaporated within the past few days. all of my commitments or what have you are not stressful. i love this. i'm so carefree right now and i haven't had that feeling in a long time. it must be a thing of summer and the change was so signifigant this year that i noticed.

i had a wonderful birthday. i spent the day with A...i suppose to tell it plainly would make my day seem boring. ehh...the long car ride from his house to mine, windows rolled down, playing classic rock music, blue sky and sunshine, laughing, talking. hanging out at my house, going to a movie, walking in the moonlit night, laying in each other's arms until we almost feel asleep. whenever i'm with A it's like we just click. each feeds off the other and the time we spend together is so happy and relaxed. i feel like we've known each other for years instead of months because we're so comfortable. boyfriend and best friend, wow do i have it good.

perhaps i was lucky enough to have stumbled on my soulmate when i was 17? it seems like a feasable option. i'd love to keep him in my life for the next few years to see if that pans out. that's probably why i'm so happy right now, because i have such an awesome relationship with A. its so weird to think i'd be missing this if the events from prom weekend took another turn. i'm so glad i didn't give up this.

meanwhile i've been slightly materialistic searching for good deals in online shopping. i still need a piece of luggage and new pyjamas before i go to maslc next friday. oh god, i have a week and i need to work hard core on the music. eh...it won't be that bad.

current cd: modest mouse, the moon and antarctica
current trend: vintage t-shirts
current vice: sleeping in-everyday
current mood: free

Today seems to be my first day of summer since it is the first day I don't have school commitments. But I suppose I should express some sentiments on graduation.

The ceremony was pretty bland and traditional. It went almost exactly how it was practiced with hardly a sentimental moment. Even the speeches, though made by 4 very good writers, were predictable save one who was just humorous. Only one moment almost caught me. They announced the most influential educator awards and when they got to the high school TC won it. I just for a moment had tears in my eyes (I voted for him of course). Our class sprayed silly string and blew these horns just before walking out. Later when I went to get my paper bag full of cards, LZ told me after a hug that TC gave all the mock trial seniors that cd he had promised for the last 2 years. I couldn't believe he'd actually gone through with it. That cd is my best graduation present because of all the memories that go along with it. Every time I play it, it's like having "fun friday" or a faculty concert, or the mock trial party all over again.

And my highlight of that evening: I ended up talking to BH, my high school theatre idol who is 4 years my senior. His younger sister is in my class. BH just finished graduating from college and has a 11 month job at the Children's Theatre in Minneapolis and would be starting to build equity points. He congratulated me on my path of study and wished me well in the acting field. He asked me about all the benefits of my college and told me the BFA Musical Theatre major was a great asset. I was amazed because it seems in the not too distant future we could be competing in the same field. I remember being in awe of him back when I was in jr high. Out of all the talented high school actors I admired when I was growing up, BH is by far the most talented and to my knowledge is the only one going for the acting field.

I spend Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday going to graduation parties and ended the weekend with my own. Each party was pretty much the same, but the feeling of high school was different. Something inside me started to become nostalgic. The realization of never seeing certain people again started to set in. I ended high school with good memories...I'd never go back, but at least the experience isn't tainted.

My own party was similar. The Hall (imagine that, I have my party at the theatre) was comfortably filled, mostly adults but that's typical of me. I was extremely tired and I had to keep circulating, even though I'd rather have curled up in A's arms and slept. But it was good to read the well-wishing messages in the cards. (And count the money...I should have graduation parties more often)

I spent a wonderful day with A yesterday...more on that in a later post. Tomorrow's my 18th birthday and i'm actually celebrating it, if not on small scale.