Well, I'm currently in a good mood. I finished my autobiography (yes!). My pain has seemed to have lessened, so that means my drugs have finally started working. Perhaps I could go to dance tomorrow and dare I say it, see A?

My autobiography was interesting. I realized I spent most of jr high and high school in awe of the theatre crowd and trying to get into their group. I never realized they had so much influence on me. But at least that assignments is done. Now I just have to do my picture poster board and study for 2 tests. And today is friday, yes.

Here I am 3 days later and still confined to this prison of poor health I call my body. This must be what I get, after so much abuse the resilience finally ran out. It collapsed, taking me with it and refusing to get up for almost a full week. The end is currently not in my sight, those I hope I will reach the end of this depressing tunnel soon. Its removed me from my life and in between my fits of sleep and vegetative state in front of the television, I face my fears. These fears are different and somewhat paranoid....concerning my health and perhaps it is something bigger than anyone has failed to notice. I know they're stupid and probably not true, nevertheless they're there. I still fear not being able to pick myself up in the small amount of time I have been now and grad. I still fear academic failure. I still fear failing others, and I already have.

I wish I could take a syringe and drain the toxins out of my body. Inject it into the base of my skull and remove whatever's causing the unending pressure. Inject it into my neck below each ear, into the span of my forehead.....I wish I could massage the pain out of my muscles in my neck, back, and shoulders. But I can't so instead I sleep, hoping the pain will disapate through slumber. It doesn't.

But at the moment I'm feeling better so I could finish my autobiography. My delema is I want to reflect on my life now and I'm currently only up to 1st grade. For some reason, elementary school has become a blur...one that I don't want to try to recover and if I did I didn't get a whole lot out of it. So perhaps, I'll just summarize it and highlight the important points. I suppose I should touch on my brush with popularity in 3rd and 4th grade and some other facts that shaped my life....piano, girl scouts, the former athlete, jr. choir....they are important parts...as much as I want to reflect on my life in high school.

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored, dammit!

Illness Day 3: Today was an eventful day, I woke up feeling miserable, sore with a throbbing throat....I spent the morning laying on mom and dad's bed because their waterbed is sooo much more comfortable than my spring mattress......watched a lot of television....drank my weight in liquids, ate hardly anything....slept, worked a bit on photography, was disturbed by phone calls-twice!, attempted to start my autobiography, watched more television, searched for the phone number to A's school because i couldn't get a hold of him last night (I think I copied the number wrong). My pattern of feeling good and feeling crappy continues. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow well enough to go to school....or more likely I will wake up feeling miserable but drag myself out of bed because i'm about to tear out my hair due to boredum.

I love this, I have intellect and what-not, yet can I write my dammed autobiography no...no....of course not. Something so easy and full of bs yet I can't make my thoughts come together over the span of my pathetic 17 year life. I wish the assignment was to write a 50 word autobiography. I was born. I went to school. I made friends and lost them. I learned lessons. I became envolved with theatre. I began to hate my school/hometown. I began to like my school/hometown. I'm glad to be getting out of here. Because when you analyze it these things are all going to sound the same. We're all going to do the assignment and put forth no effort because the act itself is not creative, nor will the teacher who gives us our A's will analyze it creatively. Instead he'll skim it, make sure we talked about future shit and regrets and check the length. We will not be truthful, but oddly enough will we know if we're holding anything back?

I've seemed to have lumped my class as a group of people who do not know how to look beyond the surface of life. I was once like them, in many ways I still am. We're all so naive, believing in our successes and achievements...placing our faith in our grades and institutions like school and religion. Believing our future is all set because we have a plan, a place to go next year and just by having that we'll be ok. It is this blind hope, brought to us by our parents, mirrored from our friends, teachers, society, tradition...Yeah, we're scared and most of us liked high school (god, are there really people like that?) but we're ready to leave....ready to go to college and marry a rich man or make our own fortune and have a trophy wife, a mansion, a nice mercedes, and prestige. God, gag me.....dammed American dream.

American dream....that is so cliche. We are a society of people built on conformity and a sense of "family" in the community. We all want to live in the suburbs to give our kids a better life, yet with the conviences of the city. Instead we all end up with the cookie cutter lifestyle, being ridiculed if we don't join in....We've been studying the growth/emergence of the suburbs in pop culture and I've decided the suburbs are evil....they symbolize everything in society i find evil. but what makes it worse is its masked, painted a picture of a prize.

but I've found inspiration for my autobiography. I've decided to make it real and not hold anything back.

I've been sick for the past 18 hours. Strange how I've seemed to regain my health to the point of good philosophical contemplation. I've reached the boredum stage, but have not yet over come illness to function as normal. Last night after I was coming home from The Wiz with mom and my headache and the rest were creeping in, I kept thinking to myself how it would be good if i got sick. Because this illness would be the same illness as I've had 3 times before, the kind where it completely zaps your stamina, but not your appetite. I can sleep and rest all day but not have my head buried in a toilet. So why do I wish this on myself? Because being sick finally forces me to slow down and gives me an excuse to be lazy without guilt. My parents don't make me do household chores and let me rest.

so i'm alone in the house, with the possibility of sleep stretched before me. I'll probably go to a half day of school or perhaps not at all. at the moment my temporary surge of intellectual thinking seems to have subsided. i feel twisted, i need a massage or perhaps a soak in the hot tub if i can summon my strength.

last night: i went to jefferson's high school musical, The Wiz...irony for me since i just finished Wizard of Oz. But I ended up sitting one seat away from K, my longtime theatre crush. I hate it, even now, how he makes me want to impress him, like i have something to prove. but i don't, he's just in his own little world and perhaps self-centered. so what if he goes to a prestigious acting school in NY and i could only get to one of my three schools. but he's a big strong straight guy...i'm a dime a dozen petite girl. so why do i feel this need? i shouldn't, he doesn't care. stupid me...ah well, i never see him anymore. pretty soon he'll be on broadway while i'm still in college and i can say i knew him when...and forget that he ignores me.

but i should tend to my health

life as it stands:

currently getting some much needed me time. strange how i've been out with various people all this week. thursday was awesome...i loved hanging out with A and his friends. it kind of reminded me of the theatre crowd, a bunch of geeks doing random things that others would look upon as lame, but it was really cool in retrospect. that'll be really fun to hang out with those guys every week. and A was wonderful as usual.

but i need to relax, to lounge about and clean up some stuff in my life i need to take care of...financial aid, course registration, photography homework, autobiography. i need to read a long, enjoyable novel, wander around outside, go for a run. i want to retreat to myself and rejuvenate. contemplate things...determine what i should do with the time i have left here...school, summer....before college.

I'm currently in a state of utter bliss listening to P's (now my) bootlegged copy of Modest Mouse's new cd, eating cheese and crackers, and reflecting on my time spent with A today and the time that will be spent with him tomorrow. I'm reveling in my new-found social life and am amazed I will be spending 3-4 days this week not home and hanging out with friends as opposed to some activity.

Oh some good news: I found out yesterday when I got home that I made All State Lutheran Choir. Score! So now I don't have to sit at home and work all summer, I get to be away for 3 weeks with different people. It's like camp, yes. The only downside to this: much harder to get a job since I'll be gone for 3 weeks and i'll miss A.

But today when I hung out with A it was so deja vu of Creative Institute. I'm at the U and the last week of Creative Institute after lunch J and I went to the HFA basement and made out before afternoon class. A and I were in the Student Center and I decide to eat at TMC, same place as Creative Institute lunch....we go to the HFA building, to the basement, and then....but it was good. Man, I'm so smitten with A...I swear I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. This is better than when we first started going out. I'm so excited to see him tomorrow at the poetry thing.

But I'm afraid my entries sound frightfully boring because life is going well for me. Well, there is always Modest Mouse and I do need some sleep.

I've determined I've just gotten out of a hormonally-induced mood swing. The entire bout of sadness didn't really seem to have a reason to stem from, just suddenly sad.... but A has pulled me out of it by wanting to listen and trying to help me. I've been wanting to reach out to people all day without knowing why, just something was wrong (which is why i think its hormonally induced). i examine the reasons with A's help and determine what's going through my head doesn't have to be an issue. i told him i have moments of wanting to be independent, yet i still want him in my life. and he told me i'm not used to being tied down (which i'm not, its seems as if i was always grappling with perpetual singledom and i had been accustomed to it). besides, i have the best of both worlds. i have a wonderful bf who is always willing to listen to me and help me and become my dearest and closest friend, yet i still have my own life that is separate from him. i'm still maintaining my own identity, which is imporant. i still have friends separate from him, and i still spend time with them.

and yes i do feel badly about almost wanting to give up on him yesterday because of my selfishness and will to be on my own. i would have bailed on him in a time of need and would have failed him as a friend more than as a gf. but i didn't quit, i stayed because a deep part of me knew it was a mistake for both of us. so we've both betrayed each other, each in our own ways so i don't know if that makes us even but it makes us human. so we move on and try to reform ourselves, hopefully for the better. he's trying, and so should i...instead of sitting and wallowing in my depressed analytical personal shit. yeah, i made a mistake, albeit a potentially bad one....that doesn't make my entire character bad. rather, it gives me motivation....i almost shrunk away from something difficult. but i remembered what i saw in A and clung to it...i'm not going to abandon him. i'm not going to shy away from things i should face.

so was i wearing a mask? no...i don't think so....i am selfish and independent, i know that. i just let my flaws get the best of me. almost...but i've planted an idea in his head that will not go away, something i regret. and i hate the fact that people that know A keep telling me i shouldn't be with him...are they telling me this because they think i'll get hurt, or because they don't like him. how A is with me could be better than how he was with LK...but LZ's comment about finally seeing the light irked me. i love LZ, but God why does she hate him so much? she warned me about him being manipulative. because he took LK away from her and she resented that?

but i have a killer econ test and since i have a B in that class and I can't function last hour of the day perhaps i had better find some motivation to study....damn....what am i going to do in college, i don't know how to study....i just cram and pass tests

24 hours. My mind, body, and soul have gone full circle in the past 24 hours.

Prom: Wonderful, good, lame, medicore, sucky, ok, good, better, utter bliss...in about that order. I'm disliking the elaboration aspect, so I'm going to sum it up. Basically I start out with prom in its glory. I looked amazing and made my bf and his dad exchange looks. I loved my dress, I loved how A looked...i loved the attention. Dinner was amusing. Grand March was lame but still fun. The dance was kinda crappy but we made our own fun. Then A told me what was going through his head, the same suicidal thoughts of last week. I was annoyed because I was selfish. This was my night and this was the last thing i needed. Things got progressively worse, until post prom where he apologized and suddenly broke out of his depressed mood. We had a wonderful time at post prom, which seemed to evaporate the bad feeling earlier that evening.

Today: All thoughts of breaking up with A completely vanished (which had been running through my head). We woke up at noon, watched a movie, and then A brought up the subject of why i had wanted to break up with him that we had started on the bus ride to post prom. it ended up escalading into me almost breaking up with him. The truth poured out and i wanted to be rid of it. It was really hard on me, my emotions kept surging and I was crying and annoyed/angry. I was fed up with the way things were working out and i was tired of it. But i was still envolved and part of me wanted to stay. And A asked me if there was anything he could do to make me stay with him. I hesitate for a very long time. I'm not sure what happened....but there was an exchange of words, a promise to vent to other people and of self betterment, how i'm helping him get out of this rough period in his life and how it will get better. and then were together, the relationship renewed. I feel like we're starting over. And then until A had to leave we lay there in exchange of words and enjoy being wrapped up in each other's arms. I love him, i truly do.

i'm confused about me at the moment. the reason why i was pushed so close to breaking it off was of me and my reaction to A needing someone and venting to me. i kept telling him i wasn't strong enough to take it and i didn't know how to help him. he told me just being around him helps. i'm so selfish. i want to be wrapped up in my own life and not have to work at fixing relationships. or at least that's how the breakup would have seemed. i'm too selfish to be there for a good friend who happens to be my bf. irony; i was at a recognition banquet for my volunteer work and i kept pondering this. do i put myself before things? i determined i put myself before people. not necessarily activities/whatever, i've proven that by running myself into the ground, but people-those who are close to me. i spend my life trying to succeed at every activity i'm in. i'm trying to get the lead and do well in speech, mock trial, solo/ensemble, whatever. i do what i have to do to function, to make it through and succeed. do i ever help anyone? i'm starting to think no. i close myself off. and i wonder why i'm so removed from people? is this part of the only child syndrome? or is this just my choice on how to live my life? that more often than not i chose to relax at home instead of calling a friend and doing something.

i feel like i have to re-evaluate myself. what am i doing? i'm going to college, everything seems to be pushing towards that. i'm trying to graduate and finish up my senior year on a high note. yeah, my activities. so people? well, there's A who i'm currently trying to improve our relationship, which i'm very optimistic about. my friends, i'm trying to spend time with them before our inevitable parting. my parents, i know i'll always be able to come back to them, but i'm trying to realize and let them know their importance in my life. i feel the need to ask everyone who knows me well their opinion of me...their entire opinion. i feel like i'm living for the wrong reasons. am i?

today:

1. watched movies/television in 3 of my 5 classes
2. planned the mock trial party @ TC's house and the planning of it made me miss mock trial all over again
3. some between the course of band and econ i become slightly more annoyed at the end of the day. i've decided its just because i don't like a lot of my classmates
4. played domestic after dinner. spent a few hours doing random household tasks while mom's slaving away on my prom dress.
5. A told me LK said he is the best thing that ever happened to me. i have to ponder this.


by the way, my analytical writing skills are not at bare minimum today...eh. pondering will come later.

i was thinking about my eventual, far away sociology writing assignments- i have to write a 10 page minimum autobiography. i've been contemplating my life and the aspects i want to write about. and of course i'm trying to determine how personal i want this to be, because it is a social studies class and not an english/ writing one. i have until the 3rd of may, which isn't too far off...ah well.

hmm...i wish i had written between now and my last post. i guess i've just been turning to my written journal, but everything seems so far away to rehash and frankly parts of it i'd like to put past me. meanwhile life is good. i'm looking forward to prom, despite minor stresses that seem to go with it...but now everything is about taken care of, save some signatures i have to forge. A sent me a sweet e-mail and it made me pine for him...aww.

yeah, feeling very shallow and superficial right now. my concerns are with prom which is an extremely vain event...ah well. school's easy, which i like. after all it is almost mid quarter and the senior countdown is under 30 i think...i'm not even paying attention. but my attention will soon be turned to finishing up college stuff and finding a summer job. school starts the 18th of august for freshman orientation, so my summer is a bit short. but my summer will probably consist of working and seeing people one last time, generally a lazy and boring summer. i still want to see S this summer, but i haven't been planning it or anything lately. i should get on that.

ok, extremely boring post....leaving now.

my extremely long week draws to a close (haha, its only thursday...i love easter). my parents have forbid me leaving the house again due to my extreme fatigue and basically ill looking physical appearance. i'm somewhat gratetful because i know i have stretched myself too thin ( as always, this seems to be something i can't shake), even though i did want to see A tonight and meet more of his friends. but i know A will understand and be the first one to tell me to take care of myself.

today: solo/ensemble....basically i got up at an ungodly hour to sit on a bus and then proceed to run around the high school in breckenridge and perform an average of every 30 minutes for 6 hours. 9 events- 6 for piano/ accompianing, choralairres, vocal solo, and snare duet.....major superior on my vocal solo and snare duet (the only things i consider myself actually performing.) but i really enjoyed my vocal solo judge....i sang the less common version of ave maria (extremely challenging piece in latin) and i spent quite a bit of time beforehand memorizing the words. i sit in the room and hear 2 mediocre solos and think to myself i will completely blow these guys out of the water...egotistical me. i sing, rather well in my opinion....musicality and all that, previously the judge had been asking the performers what their piece means and asking them to take more liberties with the phrasing....none of that for me. but she's amazed by my voice and spends most of the time trying to correct my tone because it is too "dark", something i knew already....and she proceeds to ask me all of these questions...voice teacher, college plans...she approves, knows my voice teacher and hears the reflections of his teaching in my voice. complimented me on singing the challenging piece and told me she was amazed such a big voice could come out of such a little person. oh, and she told me my intro (before my song started) was very professional and poised....

my snare duet was also quite humorous; i intentionally wanted something easy to work up because i knew my life would be hectic....and it was executed well. the judge basically said good dynamics, rhythm, sticking, etc...but the piece needs to be more challenging for you...b-low laughed, he'd been telling us that for awhile.

B asked me for a ride home after school today. i oblidged, seeing as he lives right in barrett...but it was strange because i had previously had my eye on him the entire year, except for my current duration of course. strange timing, and he kept asking me questions about my plays and college i was telling him about solo ensemble....hmm....in the back of my head i kept thinking of asking his opinion toward LK, since they seem somewhat serious...eh, but i was perplexed as to why he asked me of all people for a ride....i've maybe spoken to him 10 times at short intervals for the entire year since we're in the same study hall and he did run lines with me when i was in Bus Stop last fall. the whole thing was confusing....and given as i tend to overanalyze things, no more.

i've noticed a strange coincidence in my postings....these entries seem to focus on the current object of my affection and those who temporarily caught my gaze....obviously A has been predominate in subject matter for the past 2 months....but in the course of my blog i've focused on about 5 boys....perhaps i'm single-minded?....no matter....i'm happy where i am....and i was watching a movie with the underlying theme consisting of soulmates, which made me pine for A....and the entire time i'm home while i was supposed to be in morris i'm pining for him. oh well...

my mind is currently filled with thoughts of prom and A. i just bought shoes, and i contacted someone to fix my hair, the flowers will be taken care of soon enough. i'm really looking forward to it. prom is such a girly event and A completely understands. I'm really happy to be going with him.

I've been having weird moments of nostalgia today. We offically recieved our caps and gowns. A symbol of the year getting closer and closer to ending. The senior countdown is on the wall, less than 45 days or something. Everytime I go to an extracurricular I keep thinking this is the last time I'll ever...no more speech, mock trial, one-act, musical...soon no more solo ensemble, band and choir concerts....then no more high school. I'm happy to be leaving. But while I'm in the transistion of preparing to leave, I happily look around and enjoy everything the past few years have been. I drink in the current good times with my friends and wistfully remember when we were gawky jr high girls. we'll soon be going our separate ways and most likely will hardly speak to each other too much beyond the summer. its as if its an unspoken agreement that certain ones in our group will go away, never to be heard from again. i'm probably the most likely one to never come back. my ambitions will carry me that way, i guess. but there are times given i had different dreams that i'd be content to stay here...come back after college.

meanwhile, I'm content to stay where I am...experiencing things one last time and living out new memories that may soon come to an end. i'm sometimes wishing I had met A when i was more convient for us to be together for a longer duration, but then i consider myself lucky that we've come together at all. what would have happened if he and LK were still together? nothing as far as the two of us would be concerned. but now there is the light at the end of the tunnel...a light so close that it illuminates the darkness towards the end of my path....shining so my path doesn't look as unhappy as it once did. the light soothes me, making me want to linger at the end of my journey....and linger i shall before i have to cross the threshold into a new life that will propel me into the next stage.

emptying out my soul, cleansing it so i can move on and forget about these things i seemingly have little control over.

A told me last night the extent of the time he spent with LK on wednesday....so he has officially cheated on me. i'm torn about this, because i close to both A and LK and it upset me a bit that LK didn't tell me. i'm not sure how to react, but all i know is it happened and yeah i'm hurt by it, but there's nothing i can do. both of them feel guilty about hurting me. LK told me today if i was angry to direct it at her. i asked the nessessary questions, why did they do it? lonliness, missed him...searching for a need and each happened to be there to fill the void, although both walked away feeling guilty and unsatistifed. so i'm somewhat treating this as a parent, i wished they wouldn't have done it...but there's nothing i can do to change it, so i'm just moving on. but a strange irony kept creeping into my head last night: J, back when we were still together and i was on vacation for 2 weeks, told me somewhere in there a girl wanted to have sex with him and he didn't. why he told me that i'm not sure, guilt, pride perhaps...but i kept comparing A to J and always knew A was better for me....(i know i shouldn't do that) this just threw me....

part of me just wants to shake off the relationship and be on my own again...its a feeling i've had in the back of my head since saturday....for whatever reason i'm not sure....but when i try to justify reasons they don't seem to mean anything logical....like i'm trying to satistfy my own selfish whim of not being tied down. and it doesn't help this feeling, my current situation....but i remember the way i felt when i first met him and i believe that feeling is still there....its like LK told me on the bus back from Wheaton...you get to know one part of A and then another emerges that you have a bit of conflict with, etc etc....i guess this is just another part....but i somewhat feel like A doesn't know me either....what he doesn't know, I'm not sure....i don't want to leave him, i want to dig deeper....and it doesn't help that i saw him for 15 seconds today and didn't even get to talk to him. his choir came in and was ready to perform and poyzer tells us we have to leave right then....but i've decided i want to call him tonight....i want what we had at the beginning of the relationship, but more because hopefully we know each other better....

and i should catch up on homework since i'll actually be in a full day of school tomorrow....damn...

stuff...stuff...odd...good...happy...weird...no more fingernails, score!

wizard closed today...it felt like a long run because all of us we're so tired from multiple activities. but it was a good show and i had an awesome part. but i ended up going to the cast party with LK and spent the rest of the day with her. we hung out the entire time at the cast party, eating vending machine junk food and doing a really bad job of announcing the volleyball game. we rode around in her ghetto van around alex and randomly went place; CS's house, a park, Wal-mart...i just loved the randomness of it. i'm glad LK have become close like we were during one-act. i want to keep that feeling. once again, we spent some time discussing A...it really helps me to talk to her about the relationship because she's gone through similar things. she still thinks he's a bad bf for me...and if he is i'm going to find that out for myself. funny thing, she said we should get drunk together...and we're going to draw with chalk on random sidewalks...

currently patching things up with A...this is good for us...working through issues, etc.....i really want to see him so my last memory of being with him isn't so negative....but i have plenty of other good memories to look back on....i feel like doing random dirty stuff- thinking that on the way home from alex...sorry, random thought....but i'll hopefully see him tomorrow...i'm very happy with A....i feel like there's so much i don't know about A, and maybe as time goes on i'll be able to read him better and respond better. i want the opportunity to do that...i want to put in the time and cultivate the relationship...i'm not thinking about next year....i know i will leave, most likely go to college in Illinois...but i still have time

i've had strange day....it was mostly good but the negative seems to over shadow it. currently i'm typing with my middle finger on my right hand because a nail fell off (just though you'd like to know that).

speech sections...my longest opportunity to see A and i completely botch it.....i didn't do it cognizantly...i guess i just felt like being independent or something and was being horribly selfish....and A was depressed about something. a small portion of it envolved me, which made me feel bad...another was something else that i'll probably never know...but i hope he isn't mad at me directly, although i have not been a spectacular gf...

which got me thinking...i spent a large portion of the rest of the day talking to LK about A, because she ended up hanging out with them....and she told me i was just a very independent person...versus A and she always hang around someone... so now i'm curious if i have the potential to be a good gf....i was toying with the idea of asking my ex's....i don't want to lose A, and i don't want to hurt him, but i fear i already have and i didn't even know it....makes me wonder if i'm even cut out to be in a relationship, or if i just don't deal well with commitment...but i figure i should just try to deal with it and not give up, make it up to A after the show when i have more free time.

bizarre moment of the day, i talked to JM more than usual today before rounds....we were in first round together, but then he came to my room for some reason and talked to me for 5 minutes....next to A, he's the person from a different school in my category i've been closer to....he got first and is going to state..

i spent a lot of time with LK...i really like that we're not awkward about the current gf/ ex gf thing...and of course she is the best person to discuss A, since she knows him better than i do....i'm beginning to wonder if i'm still A's rebound for LK..sometimes it feels that...and that's probably because i'm not really good about interacting in public.

sleep...need sleep

can't type because of nails. in respose to last post, i'm ok. i just needed that moment of a breakdown. i've moved on and i'm quite touched by the responce i've recieved...stupid witch nails...but opening went well, and i have 4 left